Judging Others Favorably

This week we are working on judging others favorably.  I was challenged almost immediately in the class as there was a new student who was coming from a tough place, perhaps not the most stable.  This is supposed to be a self motivating process.  You choose to come, you choose to do the exercises but I found myself spending the break-out discussion having to calmly defend the point of what we are doing.   It was very difficult and sad in a way, and I did not feel equipped.  In the end I felt that god sent this troubled person into the class to show me the conceit of what I thought I had learned, the illusion of the better place I was in. 
The analogy in our readings was about a soiled garment, that can be saved with effort and care and that a human being can be the same.  Ironically I have such a garment right now that I am dealing with.  A beautiful yellow dress from Max Studio that I have found and old what I think is chocolate stain on the last time I wore it.   Somehow I never saw the stain when it happened, so it has just been sitting there embedding itself in the garment.  So I did some on-line research and the first attempt, hot water and dish soap did nothing.  Round two we are now trying soaking in heavy cream (fight fat with fat).  Next stop is hydrogen peroxide.  I get great pleasure in success in removing stains and making a garment like new.   Give me your tired old white t-shirts, I will happily bleach them.  Stain removal is one of the easiest and most satisfying activities.  If only encounters with strangers, friends and family could be so simple. 

The difficult gentleman in the class doesn't want to be difficult.  He wants to be loved and doesn't understand why "everybody is always picking on me", to pull from an old platters song.  He reminds me of my sister-in law who has the presence of mind to know her life is not what she wants, but not the rational self-awareness to see how she contributes with her negative, angry, blame the world attitude.  I am not sure either of them can help it, but perhaps that is not trying hard enough.  Is there a way back in to the psyche of someone who is unable to see their words and actions in a realistic light?  I don't have an answer.  I used to truly believe there was a solution, whether it be drugs or therapy but it is not always possible to get a troubled person to even seek solutions, since the problem is not with them from their point of view.  So not as easy as getting a stain out of fabric but can at least work on not blaming myself for not having a solution and not blaming them for not being "easier."

It seems like there are a million moments in the day where we think about other people or encounter them where negative expectations get in the way.  For me it is at is worst when I feel some negative outcome and I want to some how deflect the negative judgement on my self.  So for me to work on is translating a negative judgement to a positive interpretation at least as an interim step.  So in tennis, not to dwell on what my partner is not doing, and what I am not doing, but focus on what I can do and relax and have confidence in them.  It worked this morning, just barely, but enough. 

I have spent so much of my life, being smart, knowing the outcome before it happened, sort of moving before the ball has been hit, that I have missed the opportunity for good outcomes that were an option all along.  So allow for the positive, that is my mantra for the rest of this week.