This week I did not feel at peace with the universe. I was struggling with a new phone, and juggling multiple priorities. Still when situations presented themselves, I tried to do and say the right thing. There was nominating committee for Sisterhood for which I still have to make phone calls. It was an opportunity to discuss people without bringing negativity into it; not an easy task but all in all we did a good job. I also agreed to host a parlor meeting at our house to discuss temple finances, somehow being drawn in deeper and deeper into being a person at the center of the temple. This is something I struggle with. I appreciate that the phone rings in new ways, whether it be someone offering a ride to a meeting or asking if I can fill in at Mah Jong. I spent a few days envisioning my big moment as a "woman who makes a difference", being a gracious and warm person. I appreciated the notes and tributes received. But when I was there, I backpedaled into a bit of resentment that the person who wrote my bio didn't take the time to find out or include my husband, or children or my career. It was just a list (albeit) thoughtful of my temple contributions. Things that I previously corrected never got changed such as how many years I have been a sisterhood member (many! vs two). At the heart of these feelings is that old passive aggressive, competitive person not a person who finds the joy in what is there, that the Rabbi came, that there were so many women from our sisterhood there, that I had my husband by my side. I tried to not let it show, and wrote thank-you notes to everybody and anybody to counter-act the negative feelings. I had daydreamed a more emotional and dramatic moment, and it was bit of a comedy of errors, the certificates going to the wrong people, the speeches either flubber or diverged from in a too much information way. But in the end it was a lovely room filled with interesting, motivated and accomplished Jewish women and that was a thing of beauty. Finding the good and the beautiful in a situation, that is a mitzvah. And yes it was first and foremost a fundraiser for the Federation and yes we made a nice donation. Not a huge donation, not a tiny one, but a nice one, which is more than we normally do. That to me is a mitzvah, to do more than I normally do, to step beyond and out of my comfort zone. The Rabbi and I are on for the mitzvah class in May, so that should be interesting and a good way to keep myself going.
For the big event, I put on a beautiful Jewish star (Mogen David) my husband gave me when I did the bnai mitzvah. I wore a star regularly for a while in high school and college but haven't for years. It is not a mitzvah, as a commandment to advertise yourself as a Jew, but I think if you look at it broadly (walk in the ways of Hashem) it is a good thing to be at peace with yourself as a Jew, or to remind yourself of your relationship with God and the wearing of the star does that. According to one source, the symbol carries spiritual meaning with the triangle pointing to heaven signifying our relationship with God and a triangle pointing down to keep us grounded in reality.
So I had this thought that maybe it was good luck and when we made a quick stop at the house to grab an overnight bag before we headed out, I changed out of my new dress into jeans and t-shirt and kept the star on. Goodness knows we were going to need all the luck we could get. We were driving up to my daughter's school to take her to surgery the next day. Years of knee damage culminating in a new set of injuries had come to a head, gymnastics, cheerleading, running, a chapter of a person is over.
I had had thoughts of whether this was really necessary but after the surgery, when we saw the photos and walked through the damage, both my husband and I felt so sad. All those years of pushing her to work past the pain, we had been told by her prior doctor that she couldn't hurt herself, and yet she did. Bad coaching, bad medicine and bad parenting, plenty of guilt to go around. So a few days of embracing her care, of being sympathetic and loving because that is what we are here to do, and feeling good about it. So that is the realization part, that despite all of our dreams for recognition and happiness for our children, or perhaps because of those dreams we encourage or discourage certain activities, we carry a mental movie of them on the award stand, or surrounded by loving friends or boyfriend, achieving their success. And then reality intrudes...or sometimes there is a bit of that film reel that starts to come true and then our wishes and dreams go sky high until they are kicked back to earth. Our dreams for their happiness, their recognition a displacement of our own dreams that we have long since relegated to oblivion. So on one hand how nice to get our own recognition and also how nice to support them just as they are, to find a nice turn in the road where they least expect it and to just let go of all the control so they can drive that car.
One last divergence, knowing that my daughter is hyper aware of how the world perceives her and is the type of person who does keep count, I have been wondering if she was getting the attention she needs, the FB posts, the texts or whatever. There haven't been any visitors as yet. And then the complaining did start, the details not necessary, and I just shut it down and I tried to be nice about it, but perhaps not nice enough. My traditional strategy, to come up with a rationale explanation why the errant person has not done what it is expected that they should do, maybe they are busy getting ready for finals, preparing for a flight out of town etc. But none of that really takes away the basic issue, seeing the world as a glass half-full and the minute we get one thing done, we start worrying about the next. I get it, I am alot like that myself, but I don't play that game (or I try not to) anymore. So I said it straight, not interesting in having a negative conversation about people or the future. And now a few minutes later things are better, a nice text came to her from a friend, and the world is all right.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
3/15/2011
My in box is empty (or close to it). I tossed one charitable request yesterday after looking up the CEO who makes almost $600,000 a year, hmm. Not very charitable. It is kind of amazing how charities become big businesses in their own way. Not our local Young and Healthy, where you really feel like you are in the trenches, with the case worker knowing many of the families whose kids are in need by name.
There has still been some fallout from the Sisterhood's decision not to fully fund the planned temple's 90th birthday party, so where does that fall? It feels bad to not give people what they want but spending the money where it is most needed is also important. Unfortunately the bad economy has caught up with temple finances and there are some tough conversations to be had. I readily agreed to host a "parlor meeting" at our house. Being open to the community and hopefully having healing conversations, that has to be a mitzvah.
I am praying a little less this week, after intense nightly prayers, here we stand in the middle of confusion, my daughter still facing knee surgery, the date still up in the air and the living life hopping from crisis to another. I keep trying to the do right thing here, but on the phone my patience wears thin with yet another tear filled conversation. And yet we are so fortunate, and every day something amazing happens. I even responded to a write your congressman email request for Sudan from someone I hardly know. So that's a first.
I do have moments of grace and feeling connected and at peace but they are short lived. I try to do things around the house that will help my husband, ease his challenges, be less judgmental, more loving. I've gotten several nice notes this weeks, thank-yous for conversations or moral support and tributes for my upcoming federation honor. It sounds like we have a great group coming, three tables! How amazing is that. So when I read about the blind runner, or some other inspirational story I feel blessed that this is the planet we live on, where difficulties can be faced.
I am prepared to do whatever it takes to support my daughter through her surgery, without turning it into a woe is me show. I am trying so hard to have faith in the infinite generosity and power of the universe, how can I get her to share that point of view?
There has still been some fallout from the Sisterhood's decision not to fully fund the planned temple's 90th birthday party, so where does that fall? It feels bad to not give people what they want but spending the money where it is most needed is also important. Unfortunately the bad economy has caught up with temple finances and there are some tough conversations to be had. I readily agreed to host a "parlor meeting" at our house. Being open to the community and hopefully having healing conversations, that has to be a mitzvah.
I am praying a little less this week, after intense nightly prayers, here we stand in the middle of confusion, my daughter still facing knee surgery, the date still up in the air and the living life hopping from crisis to another. I keep trying to the do right thing here, but on the phone my patience wears thin with yet another tear filled conversation. And yet we are so fortunate, and every day something amazing happens. I even responded to a write your congressman email request for Sudan from someone I hardly know. So that's a first.
I do have moments of grace and feeling connected and at peace but they are short lived. I try to do things around the house that will help my husband, ease his challenges, be less judgmental, more loving. I've gotten several nice notes this weeks, thank-yous for conversations or moral support and tributes for my upcoming federation honor. It sounds like we have a great group coming, three tables! How amazing is that. So when I read about the blind runner, or some other inspirational story I feel blessed that this is the planet we live on, where difficulties can be faced.
I am prepared to do whatever it takes to support my daughter through her surgery, without turning it into a woe is me show. I am trying so hard to have faith in the infinite generosity and power of the universe, how can I get her to share that point of view?
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Finding the positive path
Last week, sitting here and thinking through the weeks challenges I was able to come to an insight and we drove up to be there for our daughter as she went for her MRI and help get her back on track. Now sadly, the results are in and she will be needing knee surgery. I was so totally in denial partly because I was praying so diligently. Shouldn't God see my sincerity? I know what I do isn't a guarantee and it is just the minimum and perhaps I was beginning to expect a return on my efforts which of course if the most arrogant behavior as all. Pretty soon someone is going to make me up a t-shirt, a monkey with tape across his mouth, speak no evil. Who do I think I am anyway? So of course it was put to the test.
There was a presentation to sisterhood by the temple president requesting a large sum of money (to us at least it was) to throw a party for our members to celebrate our 90th anniversary. This just seemed in poor form since currently the temple has an operating deficit of $250 thousand and a much smaller amount of money was approved, certainly not enough to do what they want but enough to have an inclusive, non-fund raising event. I was offended in a way by the presentation and was not the only one, and yet I tried to hold my thoughts in check and focus on outcomes. But when it came down to it, I made the motion. Why did I do that? Getting a bit full of myself, woman who makes a difference and all that. I know the discussion was not in the right spirit and our sisterhood president really struggled in how to present the vote to the temple president. I thought he would not be upset but I was completely wrong. I went to the Megillah reading last night. What does the story of Esther seem to show? That our enemies will be silenced and the means are often the same as what they would have used on us. That beauty is valued and can be traded on. I am not sure about it, there was a lot of impaling and listing of dead people at the end. The whole time I am sitting there and thinking how angry my friend, the temple president is sitting in the back of the room and I am dreading seeing him.
But somehow, perhaps emboldened by a few whiskey shots and a Mordechai mixed drink I faced the subject and dug deep to explain the sisterhood perspective. His wife understood and had a positive idea for opening a dialogue and getting to some sort of compromise. It was clear he had thought they had done the ground work, but they had talked to the wrong people, none of whom were sisterhood officers. That we got this request out of the blue for the rest of us, that it was clear the event was already planned, that our help and suggestions were not needed and that they just wanted the big check to make everyone happy. I think some of that got through. Still I know it was better to have had the conversation than avoid a friend for weeks, hoping it blows over. Still an odd way to spend Purim and I compensated by hitting the snack table with a vengeance.
But back to mitzvot. A clear mitzvah is to be joyous for Jewish Festivals, and so I yelled, booed and cheered my way through the megillah reading. I tried to be cheerful and smiling to everyone afterwards, tried not to share my angst about my daughter too much (but more than I should have). It is times like this I am not sure I know who I am, that my authenticity is slipping away. So I came home and faced today without the joy of a true festival feeling. When things get ugly at a place that is supposed to be our spiritual haven, our retreat, I just want to pull out. But having and supporting a place of worship is a core belief. So there has to be another way. Working towards a positive solution, that is the opportunity we missed.
It is not the reactive way, it is the thoughtful path that will progress our humanity and understanding.
Other mitzvot this week:
Volunteered at dental clinic all afternoon yesterday. It is sad to see kids who have no basic dental care, so there they are at the age of 10 or 12, with 14 cavities and a root canal. It is hard to believe they didn't have some pain, of course perhaps that may explain why they endure the hours of dental care they receive. Now if only we could figure out a way to create a better prophylactic care first.
Wrote a check for women at work, now I need to go for a walk and mail it.
Things I am grateful for:
The beautiful weather and sky and trees
The love of my husband
The strength of my daughter and son, their growing maturity
The health of my parents
The ability to make a living, have a nice life.
My health!
There was a presentation to sisterhood by the temple president requesting a large sum of money (to us at least it was) to throw a party for our members to celebrate our 90th anniversary. This just seemed in poor form since currently the temple has an operating deficit of $250 thousand and a much smaller amount of money was approved, certainly not enough to do what they want but enough to have an inclusive, non-fund raising event. I was offended in a way by the presentation and was not the only one, and yet I tried to hold my thoughts in check and focus on outcomes. But when it came down to it, I made the motion. Why did I do that? Getting a bit full of myself, woman who makes a difference and all that. I know the discussion was not in the right spirit and our sisterhood president really struggled in how to present the vote to the temple president. I thought he would not be upset but I was completely wrong. I went to the Megillah reading last night. What does the story of Esther seem to show? That our enemies will be silenced and the means are often the same as what they would have used on us. That beauty is valued and can be traded on. I am not sure about it, there was a lot of impaling and listing of dead people at the end. The whole time I am sitting there and thinking how angry my friend, the temple president is sitting in the back of the room and I am dreading seeing him.
But somehow, perhaps emboldened by a few whiskey shots and a Mordechai mixed drink I faced the subject and dug deep to explain the sisterhood perspective. His wife understood and had a positive idea for opening a dialogue and getting to some sort of compromise. It was clear he had thought they had done the ground work, but they had talked to the wrong people, none of whom were sisterhood officers. That we got this request out of the blue for the rest of us, that it was clear the event was already planned, that our help and suggestions were not needed and that they just wanted the big check to make everyone happy. I think some of that got through. Still I know it was better to have had the conversation than avoid a friend for weeks, hoping it blows over. Still an odd way to spend Purim and I compensated by hitting the snack table with a vengeance.
But back to mitzvot. A clear mitzvah is to be joyous for Jewish Festivals, and so I yelled, booed and cheered my way through the megillah reading. I tried to be cheerful and smiling to everyone afterwards, tried not to share my angst about my daughter too much (but more than I should have). It is times like this I am not sure I know who I am, that my authenticity is slipping away. So I came home and faced today without the joy of a true festival feeling. When things get ugly at a place that is supposed to be our spiritual haven, our retreat, I just want to pull out. But having and supporting a place of worship is a core belief. So there has to be another way. Working towards a positive solution, that is the opportunity we missed.
It is not the reactive way, it is the thoughtful path that will progress our humanity and understanding.
Other mitzvot this week:
Volunteered at dental clinic all afternoon yesterday. It is sad to see kids who have no basic dental care, so there they are at the age of 10 or 12, with 14 cavities and a root canal. It is hard to believe they didn't have some pain, of course perhaps that may explain why they endure the hours of dental care they receive. Now if only we could figure out a way to create a better prophylactic care first.
Wrote a check for women at work, now I need to go for a walk and mail it.
Things I am grateful for:
The beautiful weather and sky and trees
The love of my husband
The strength of my daughter and son, their growing maturity
The health of my parents
The ability to make a living, have a nice life.
My health!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Bikkur Holim
I am struggling this week with the right behavior towards my daughter who is injured and away from home. This is not the first time I have been in this situation and it has effected the quality of my response. I know that there is an answer in the Torah and Rabbinic teachings, but am not sure I am going to like it. My first stop in researching this, is Bikkur Cholim, the visiting of the sick which either stems from the commandment walk in the ways of God or from Love thy neighbor as yourself. Either way these commandments are more focused on being there for friends, neighbors and even strangers, to take on a mitzvah that creates healing. A few years back I signed up for our Bikkur Cholim commitee, and it was a challenge to visit the sick. We were not allowed to visit in the hospital, and we had to call first to make an appointment. My calls did not go well. In one case, when I called the husband was on his death bed, and I ended up helping out at the shiva instead of visiting the sick. This was my first experience helping at a shiva so that turned into a mitzvah and a path to helping in other ways. But at the time I was embarrassed and devastated. I had felt like I intruded on the privacy of a couple at a most difficult time.
I then had a few folks that were shocked to find they were on a list, and although they had health issues they had no desire to be visited by a stranger and let me know in no uncertain turns. That just seemed to be the way it went. I had a vision in signing up and training etc that I would find a sweet lady like my own oma who was now somewhat senile or not able to get around and I would visit her and make small talk. It just didn't work out. I am not the most comfortable person around strangers or awkward situations and my discomfort got the better of me and I dropped out. Still I help out where I can, dropping things off, the shivas etc, but I know I can do more, so much more. Seems like every day I hear about someone in my social network who has a major health issue, but because we are friends I hesitate about what to do. I think would I want to hear from someone I didn't know. I write notes on behalf of sisterhood to the sick and injured and I know it is appreciated but translating that to my own life, is difficult.
Ok, so I just wrote two notes. Not as good as a phone call but it is a step, perhaps next time I hear about someone struggling, I will be the person who picks up the phone. But back to my own problem. If you live close to someone it is clear, you should rush to a relatives side to be supportive and helpful. But here are a few things I learned that do apply:
1) If one is not able to do a personal visit, one can fulfill the mitzvah with a phone call.
2) Approach the sick person in a positive mood. Do not display any moods of sadness or melancholy, as this could affect the welfare of the patient.
I then had a few folks that were shocked to find they were on a list, and although they had health issues they had no desire to be visited by a stranger and let me know in no uncertain turns. That just seemed to be the way it went. I had a vision in signing up and training etc that I would find a sweet lady like my own oma who was now somewhat senile or not able to get around and I would visit her and make small talk. It just didn't work out. I am not the most comfortable person around strangers or awkward situations and my discomfort got the better of me and I dropped out. Still I help out where I can, dropping things off, the shivas etc, but I know I can do more, so much more. Seems like every day I hear about someone in my social network who has a major health issue, but because we are friends I hesitate about what to do. I think would I want to hear from someone I didn't know. I write notes on behalf of sisterhood to the sick and injured and I know it is appreciated but translating that to my own life, is difficult.
Ok, so I just wrote two notes. Not as good as a phone call but it is a step, perhaps next time I hear about someone struggling, I will be the person who picks up the phone. But back to my own problem. If you live close to someone it is clear, you should rush to a relatives side to be supportive and helpful. But here are a few things I learned that do apply:
1) If one is not able to do a personal visit, one can fulfill the mitzvah with a phone call.
2) Approach the sick person in a positive mood. Do not display any moods of sadness or melancholy, as this could affect the welfare of the patient.
3) Do not bring bad tidings to a sick person.
4) Three ways one can help: with one’s body (beguf), with one’s soul (benefesh) and with one’s money (bemamon).
I can't be there physically to give her rides to the doctor or go grocery shopping, but I can expand my prayer, blessing her for a speedy recovery at the end of every call. As for money, not worrying about it would be a start. My first thought when she called about the injury was that I was out the money I had spent on basketball tickets to watch her cheer, and then of course the flight to Hawaii for spring break. Sharing my own concerns and worries is not the righteous path. Also on some level, I judge her in a negative way, I try not to, but it is there in response to all the drama and tears. So I have to get past that. It is my job to call to end the call with a prayer for a speedy recovery and to offer to do things that will help. We are already paying for a parking pass, MRI, I am always good there but it is the other stuff that I let get in the way. And maybe Saturday we can drive up there (the Saturday driving part needs to be ignored here) and help out with shopping etc. Actually I could drive up there on Friday, I just have to abandon tennis, which I am okay with.
That definitely feels right. I am going to see if I can make that happen. I really haven't been trying hard enough. I can do better.
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