Patience is a Virtue

I have felt my nerves on edge the past few days or perhaps weeks.  I see myself react where I know reaction isn't really called for.  I find myself longing to unburden my complaints about certain people to others just to somehow pass the underlying feeling of annoyance and anger on, to send it out into the universe as so much population pollution but clear my hear of it.  So in sitting down to write today, I realized this is what I am truly struggling with right now and the posts of the past few weeks while touching on this, have not really in anyway mitigated a change in attitude or behavior.  It's like telling someone to lose 10 pounds.  They may know they should, they may even know how to do it, but this missing element is that moment where something clicks, where our knowledge synchronizes with our true desires and we take action.
In simple non-middot terms, I could identify what I was struggling with as a lack of patience.  This brought to mind the phrase, "patience is a virtue.", something I heard a lot growing up.  I am notorious among family members and coworkers for a lack of patience, wanting everything to happen quickly, with foresight and planning.  When others don't share my attention to timing and detail, I get frustrated and with frustration comes annoyance, and under annoyance is that unconscious seam of low-level anger.  We all know people who go through life in a state of near constant anger (Larry David?) although if you ask one of these people why they are so angry, they will deny that they are angry at all.  I definitely don't want to be one  of those people.
I made conscious effort not to complain about the parking situation when I got to a meeting yesterday, but then later shared with others a bit of it when walking out of the meeting.  I showed as much discipline with my speech as the Corner Bakery brownies on the conference table.   Still I saw it as a warning sign to me to be careful how I interpret a situation when during the meeting I pulled up the meeting info on my phone and saw detailed instructions on where to park and how to get to the conference room.  Other attendees had printed those and that got them into the parking lot, which I was not allowed to park in.  So perhaps some of the burden for the outcome was on me, and perhaps that was often the case.  It got me thinking about another episode from the prior Saturday.  I was all up in arms that I had sent an email detailing who would do what when for Sisterhood presentations and it seemed not to have been read or understood.  So I dug it out of the sent box this morning and re-read it and realized it was not as clear as I thought.  I used the word "we" in a way that could have added to confusion especially with a person who is easily confused.  This softened my reply when I answered a phone message, and in the end I realized it was another situation where I had to accept some of the responsibility for the outcome.   Maybe some of the anger comes from an innate drive I have to put blame elsewhere, something that years of therapy could probably be handy for making a dent in.  I do it on the tennis court, I do it with the kids and I definitely do this with my husband.  So I apologize, I am so so sorry.

According to Wikipedia, the concept of patience as a virtue comes from Psychomachia ("Contest of the Soul"), an epic poem written by Aurelius Clemens Prudentius (c. AD 410) entailing the battle of good virtues and evil vices. The intense popularity of this work in the Middle Ages helped to spread the concept of holy virtue throughout Europe. Practicing these virtues is considered to protect one against temptation from the seven deadly sins, with each one having its counterpart.  So sort of like middot but perhaps more balanced and realistic, providing the yin and yang of each moment.  The vice which it encounters is "wrath".  The middot that connects to that is "slowness to anger", so you can get there in the end.  The text that is derived from is , "Be not quick to anger, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools!" (Ecclesiastes 7,9)"  How true!  Look at all those ridiculous, Republican hard liners, taking away the best of what has been accomplished for fairness and quality of life for the American people.  They are so angry at what they view as the "liberal" point of view they don't even think what is best for all of us, what makes a competitive country, a quality place to live.
It is an interesting overlap with Aurelius's poem, when the Rabbi's write, "Calm, persevering patience is generally a virtue, but especially so for Torah study, for anger causes errors in judgment and leads one to forget one's learning." (The Pirkei Avos Treasury, p.416).   For me the last phrase is key, I have let my inpatience lead me to misjudge or be to quick to judge in a situation, learning to see past this feeling, to double-check the facts and keep an open mind will hopefully help to be more patient and understanding and release that kernel of anger that keeps me feeling on edge instead of at peace with the world around me.  I can't promise it, but I can work on it.

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Sharing the Burden with One's Friend

As someone who works in a solitary way, sitting at a computer, with the occasional conference call or offsite meeting, I really savor the connections that come often by chance with other people.  Last night walking in the neighborhood I ran into a friend I hadn't really spoken to in a while.  Standing there as the dusk deepened into night and a chill ran through the air, it wasn't really enough time to be truly supportive, to share our deepest thoughts and anxiety about work, life, kids.  But it was just enough to feel a little less isolated and a little more connected.  I struggle with reaching out, picking up the phone and being the ringleader.  Instead I sit at home and read or watch French movies which gives me some vicarious feeling of the joi de vivre.  With my daughter abroad the phone rings rarely and I realize I need to make more of an effort.  I received a lovely note today, thanking me for stuff I had done for Sisterhood.  That is a form of friendship, and one I can do more of.   Tonight meeting friends at a local concert and then tomorrow night, recipient of an extra ticket from another friend for a concert at the snazzy Nokia theater.  The question is how do I engage in a way with these friends to build stronger bonds, let them get to know me better without just complaining.  Because what truly do I have to complain about.  I have not had the major illnesses, life changing events like divorce, traumatic kid challenges of so many of my friends.  Yes, there are ways and days I would like to be just a wee bit more blessed, but for now it is enough.  There are all those Facebook friends where I can enjoy the happy occasions in others lives, their special pictures of prom, and graduation and weddings.  I can click like and feel that I have provided support knowing full well this is not true support.  True support is cooking meals for someone who is ill or driving someone to the doctor who can no longer drive.  This is a form of friendship as well.  I have more friends activities planned on Saturday ( three nights in a row with music and friends), and then comes my anniversary dinner on Sunday, with my best friend of all.  One of the reasons, I don't reach out more to other people is we, my husband and I are a self-contained unit and we aren't unhappy with this arrangement.  After 3 nights of being social with others it will be great to just relax and be just the two of us.  In celebration of friendship, am going to jot off a quick note to my friend Jean.  We have known each other since 6th grade, and it is amazing and great that we are still in touch and manage to get together every couple of years.  So this week, going to find friendship by being a friend, and looking for ways to reach out.

The Decider

One of the more hilarious moments of the Bush Jr.  presidency, was when he pronounced, "I am the decider and I decide what is best."  Each of us has many moments each day when we are "the decider."  Whether it be the myriad parenting decisions to be made, or on the job tough decisions, I have always thought that good decision making was a key quality for success in this world.  Certainly CEOs in our country, and that includes our President are supposedly paid the big bucks primarily for that elusive decision making capability that us mere mortals may  not have.   Whether it be pull the trigger, or load on the debt, tough decisions require mental toughness and rigor.
In my own small world, I can be completely derailed by small decisions from hotel selection on a trip to finding the right gift for someone.  Even though these decisions are small, they do impact others.  I still cringe at the memory of the totally cheap and inappropriate gifts I bought my staff years ago, for which I received a beautiful piece of lead crystal in return.  It wasn't that I hadn't given my gifts thought.  I had thought they were fun and personal, but I knew the minute they were opened that I had gotten this office ritual (my first time) completely wrong. 

Decision making was on my mind yesterday because of a number of events.  The first a woman I met at a networking event, and whom I have sent a few encouraging emails to, asked if I she could use me in her grant application as an advisor.   This doesn't mean she is going to sign me up as an advisor if she gets the grant, it is just something to pad the application and make her look connected to outside resources.  I have lent my name to some applications in the past, but only when I already had a working relationship with the company.  The request seemed inappropriate to me but I also knew that she was naive about the business worlds, and doing her best.  The second was a conversation from a few days before about my being next in line to be Sisterhood President.  It was an informal understanding that I would step into the VP role and then voila, except now I am not so sure.  I am struggling with being in limbo, keeping up an appearance that may be false, even though I know that the world will move on regardless of what I decide.  Then the final item was I had the opportunity to read one of my daughter's final papers.  It was already submitted, but the natural editor in me, saw a few things that should have been corrected.  What to do with this knowledge?

This weeks middot, Eino Samayach BeHora'ah", translates as ""Not delighting in rendering decisions". " and text it derives from is, "  "One who is too self-confident in handing down legal decisions is a fool, wicked and arrogant of spirit." (Avot 4:7)"  This text could be broadened to those conversations where we are so sure we are right, that we lose track of the intention or spirit of our conversation, in the end, right or not, we look like the loser, ungracious and unsympathetic.  According to Rabbi Joshua ben Perahyah we should, "Judge everyone with the scale weighted in his favor."

I spent time trying to think of the point of view of the networking contact.  I knew she really didn't know any better, but in the end I wasn't comfortable being represented as something I wasn't.  I decided by telling her, "I didn't think it was appropriate."   I had thought about going into a big explanation such as if we had a consulting relationship, or a step further suggesting that I wasn't the right advisor for her company.  But in the end I just kept it simple, because I realized this wasn't about me.  I am probably one of many people she reached out to, and now she is free to move forward with someone else.  She got back to me quickly to let me know this was fine, and hopefully it was.

As for the Sisterhood Presidency, it is hard to see how to decide something that is not up for decision for another year.   But I think I need to be honest with myself about what I want, and perhaps start letting a small circle of folks in on this.   Initially my ego was running the show, so flattered to be asked, and any doubts I expressed were responded with much wanted flattery, such as you would be great etc.  How can I turn down a job I would be great at?  And perhaps I am just rushing things, and will be more motivated when the time comes.   The decision here is to start thinking and talking informally about it, but not in a negative way.

The third decision, I struggled with my smart-ass self, and realized that none of us really wants to see small mistakes after the fact.  The person who rushes to point out a typo on a slide in a meeting is no ones favorite.  So instead we had a lively and wonderful conversation around the topic and what she learned.  I was very impressed with what she has learned and her passion for it, even if some definitional and language mistakes were made.  Hoping her Professor sees it the same way.

These decisions were small, but I have been a part of much bigger decisions.  Decisions to fire people, or eliminate departments and I have sometimes confused sympathy with acting honorably.  Sometimes I miss being "the decider", with my leadership being relegated to volunteer work and travel planning.  I don't miss the sleepless nights that come with it but I do miss that feeling of being able to see through the fog and create a path forward for others to follow.

I think this middot is very closely related to "judging others favorably."  Because if we judge others favorably, we will be in the frame of mind to make a decision that is not so bound in legal correctness but takes into account the humanity of the situation.  

Contentment with One's Lot

Recently I met a friend for a cup of tea and a book discussion.  Because the book was focused on a person who had dedicated his life to bringing medical care to those who had none, we ended up discussion our own paths in terms of giving to the community.  My friend found my transformation from blogger about annoying things to blogger about mitzvot, an amazing story.  Except in reality I haven't transformed, I am still the same person.  Just as eating "healthy"  hasn't changed my cookie monster cravings, I still want to complain, to criticize, to vent but instead work hard at the psychological equivalent of replacing french fries with carrots.   So when I found myself living far outside the land of good heart yesterday, instead seething with anger and resentment I spun my wheels for a while.  It wasn't until this morning, with a good walk behind me, that I turned to the list of 48 middot to figure out which one could be my antidote.  There are many that fit and would work, but I chose  Contentment with One's Lot  
as the my guidepost.  
This commentary says," A person should not be dissatisfied if he or she cannot live up to one’s ambitions or the standards of others with greater ability, one should do one’s best and constantly review until the learning is mastered. In the end the individual will succeed and even excel (The Pirkei Avos Treasury p. 418)." 

Yesterday what set me off, besides having time on my hands when a work project pushed out indefinitely, was a conference call with an industry group I am involved with.  We were talking out speakers for an upcoming event, and one of our committee members suggested another consultant, she went on a bit about this persons corporate experience etc.  I know, like and respect the recommended speaker but I do very similar work, and I think am equally qualified, although I could see that I haven't been putting myself forward in a way to communicate this.  So when the group was struggling to come up with a second speaker, I put myself out there and the same woman shot me down, although not in a personal way.   I was left feeling as if all my experience was for naught, that I had sidelined my career many years ago and would never have a position of power again.  A week ago, I was completely happy with this.  Even the day before, I was marveling how I get to choose how I spend my time, learn about diseases that are really important, go for a walk in the middle of the day and still get paid.  But here I was depressed, seething and frustrated that I was a "nobody."  In reading the above quote, I realized that I had gotten so wrapped up in myself, I had forgotten all the stuff I did to get back on track.  Learning, networking, reaching out.  Instead of focusing on what I couldn't do, or what wouldn't happen, I needed to just do.  All of a sudden I remembered a correspondence from a few weeks ago from a technology transfer director, a group who needed the kind of help I could provide.  Sure enough when I checked the inbox, they had gotten back to me late yesterday to set up a lunch meeting.  It was there all along, the opportunity to help, to learn, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself that I had disengaged.

Questions to consider from this middot .....are you satisfied with what you have? YES!  I have everything I need.  To much even.  I might worry about money from time to time, but I know we are more than fine.  Would you like more or less?  I don't want more so much as to have less concern for the future.  Most of my striving is not so much about the money, or the benefits, or the travel.  It is pure ego.  In many ways that same ego is what has driven me to the successes I have.  Just when I thought I had gotten to the point in life where a title didn't matter, VP of this or that at a name company,  I feel completely dissed when I am not an A-lister in my field because I don't have this.  I imagine for about 10 seconds that I would be happier in my power suit in my power office, then I remember all the headaches that come with it.  If that sort of transition is meant to be, it will happen? Or is that just wishful, passive thinking.  To lazy or fearful, to actually try to make it happen?  What drives or motivates you to either acquire or deny yourself material possessions? This is a good question, because I probably spend more time denying myself then indulging.  Last week I was all set to run out and buy new sandals and shorts for summer but I was too busy.  Now I have the time, I look at the pair of 5 year old sandals and shorts I already have, and think these are fine.  Sometimes this denial feels right, and other times absurd, like when I am envious of some one's outfit.  
Would you be happier or more satisfied if your portion in life were bigger or smaller?  I really don't know.  It could be a little bigger, I am not sure I can't be just as happy where I am.  Actually I am sure, I can be just as happy if I can shift my focus more to my positive interactions and away from stuff.  So that is my goal for this week, to do as much, learn as much as I can and continue to ask myself these questions each day.   My homework is to do my best and be happy and satisfied knowing I have done my best.
 

A Mitzvah A Day Keeps the Blues Away

In today's LA Times, Kurt Streeter wrote a follow-up column about what had happened to a former drug addict and street thug whom a federal court judge took a special interest in.  I remember reading the first column Kurt wrote and loved the story of someone who went above and beyond his job to help someone who truly needed it.  The beneficiary of this attention, Michael thrived and then fell again, the path of walking the straight and narrow just way too narrow.  But when Kurt reconnected with him finally he found him living in a group facility and finding joy in helping others.  When Michael says "I don't understand how helping others turned out to be such a great help for me, and has changed me deep down within...it's like a miracle." , I just thought, Amen to that!  The gospel of giving, is the gospel of mitzvot, and it doesn't matter at all what religion you practice to hear the truth in it.  Every bad day I have, I can find a way to give to others, to get out of my own head and my own worries and take the focus to the goodness and greatness of the world we live in.  Of course, then I turned a few more pages, and there it was the ubiquitous advertisement from the King of Self Endorsement, Donald Sterling.  New York has Donald Trump, but in LA this Donald is as unique as the city he calls home.  Look I know it is my challenge to see others favorably, so kudos to Donald for giving money to charity, and for probably being a major contributor to the much needed LA Times advertisement revenue stream, but I am pretty sure all the self-aggrandizement he engages in takes away from these positives in some way.   Found this quote on a blog post on the musar and the age of self-aggrandizement, "

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)    http://rivertonmussar.org/middot-character-traits/humility/item/467-humility-in-the-age-of-facebook

Ironically Donald uses the same terrible graphics for his self-promotion as he does for his real estate properties making it incredibly easy to get that they are one and the same person.  Thankfully, there are no bikini beauties in the relentless "man of the year" spreads that he runs.  I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, and figure he hired the wrong PR agency as his spin doctor back when he was being raked over the journalistic coals as a slum lord.   But as it says in the above mentioned blog, "
“Be like Hashem and don’t look for people’s shortcomings and weak points. You will then be at peace with everyone.”   So I am trying, but perhaps Donald you could try a little harder too, to toot your own horn a lot less and let your good deeds perhaps go unnoticed except by the universe.  It would make you seem a more admirable human being, but then maybe that isn't what you want.

To anyone who might ever read this and say tsk tsk at my rant in this space, usually reserved for doing good things, and feeling the miracles that occur, I truly and sincerely apologize.  It is not my intention to speak behind Donald's back, it is my hope and fervent prayer to the universe that he or someone he knows will read it and illuminate him on this folly.  In the meantime, I'll keep looking for more miracles in my newspaper.