The miracle of giving and gratitude

I read a news blurb this week about a scientific study that correlated positive, gratitude type thoughts with superior brain functioning.  So whenever I have found my head getting fuzzy this week, I have taken a few seconds to appreciate all that is good and wonderful around me.  This isn't hard to do considering the spectacular view of the mountains I have from my office, the loving family that is there for me, making it possible to sit in this chair in this location and of course, often when running around town, I feel fortunate to live in this place with so many great people.   Despite ups and downs with work and volunteering activities, the temple having major angst, even down times create opportunities to meet new people and get beyond barriers, and it is these connections, this processing of vast universe of life experiences and imperfection that I am surrounded by, that helps put it all in context.  I am very, very lucky and grateful for the basic abilities to walk in a store and buy the groceries we need, to have a gardener to mow the lawn on a 100 degree day like today, and to be able to afford the luxury of air conditioning to insulate me from that heat. 

Even if my mitzvah practice is not quite so conscious at this time, I am changed enough to see myself making connections I wouldn't have made before, agreeing to do things I would never have signed up for.  Today I had lunch with a fellow volunteer that is sharing a job with me, because I have learned that the most efficient method of getting things done is not always the most effective.  Taking time to listen and learn and work collaboratively is what is truly exciting to me.  There were some good ideas, and best yet, things I hadn't thought of, that came from a give and take and true problem solving discussion.  If all volunteering was like that I wouldn't be looking to scale back, but then perhaps it is a matter of modifying my perceptions and expectations. 

One thing writing small checks for various organizations has done for me (besides increasing the amount of mail and solicitation phone calls we get), it has helped me let go of small amounts of spending, whether it be parking, or lunch or signing up for something to help an organization, I can spare $20 here and there and can stop obsessing about it.  If $20 is what is holding me back from a feeling of peace and fulfillment, it is time to get over that right now.  My kids are way ahead of me on this, but then they are raised a little differently.  They seem to be ok to pay for mistakes, to have money be wasted occasionally because it happens.  Add it in to the cost of living, just like a business does for the cost of doing business.

My grandmother used to say no crying over spilt milk, and I found that so amazing, since in my house, we were likely to be yelled at spanked for spilling milk, food whatever, getting ink on a shirt.  Who cares? wipe it off and move on.  So perhaps in that vein wrote the temple checks, and will donate for my high holiday honor and understand that it is not a zero sum game.  We give because we can, not because it is always earned or needed or managed properly, but because being able to give is a miracle of sorts and for that I am very, very grateful.

Please and Thank-You

I've let an entire month lapse without a posting.  Of course there was 12 days of vacation in there, but the other reason is I had just felt like I reached the end of the road.  Not of doing mitzvot, there is no end of that, but having something new to say about it.  On top of this, a lot of negative feelings, the sort of judgmental "old me" feelings had bubbled up to the surface and like a bad food binge, I just wanted to rant.  To express my frustrations with certain people, organizations and life in general.  It couldn't all be wine and roses, although Paris felt like that most of the time, except for the one night crammed into the hottest corner of a very hot bistro in  July, wearing shoes that were giving me blisters and a light pull over sweater that I was suffocating in.  Sometimes it feels like we try to hard to have a good time.  The best meal of the week, a neighborhood place we walked by everyday on the way to metro, which was always busy, menu was simple but appealing, and despite some language difficulties, it was wonderful.  It is funny how Parisians have a reputation for rudeness in the states, considering all the politeness built into the run of the mill French conversation, please precedes every sentence, if you launch right in with I want, they will look at you in admonishment as if to say, life is too short to not take a few extra seconds for civility and humanity.  Wish I could have carried that quality home in my suitcase.   So I had my rant, and even made some changes, moving over or down depending on  how you look at it to Co-VP Programming of Sisterhood and have let the powers be, that now is not the right time to be Sisterhood President.  Maybe when I either have other things in my live that are making happy, or when I have nothing at all going on so will welcome the myriad opinions, and constantly swirling controversy.   I know when I am doing something that engages me, and that is satisfying and volunteer work in particular should meet that criteria.  Doing the right thing, unless it is something major, like feeding the homeless, isn't reason enough to stick with volunteering.

So I am no longer writing notes, and won't be doing the regular bnai mitzvah presentations and I am so ok about it.  Because I could see that I was starting to get egotistical about it and that is not the point.  Now I get to write notes when I choose to people I know, and I do make more of an effort.  I can gladly volunteer to lend a hand, whether it be driving my parents around or bringing food to someone who is homebound.  And I can extend a smile and a bit of conversation to a stranger.  Saying please and thank-you to the deli clerk or the butcher, because we all deserve to feel appreciated for what we do.  I haven't looked that up, but I believe that that is a mitzvah.

One Decision at a Time

Last week I went through a realignment, trying a return to the compass of mitzvot.  It worked on Friday evening ( the religious implication of this totally aside), where I was conflicted about attending an exhibition match that was a fundraiser for a small charity.   I was at the tennis courts earlier so I could tell that it was looking not that well attended, and could easily have not gone.  But when I examined my feelings, I realized that regardless it was a good thing to attend and make a donation.  I ended up having a good time, and feeling good that I had chosen to participate and contribute when I didn't have to. 
On the work front that feeling or intention continues, seeking out and having conversations with various folks at universities about ways in which I can contribute my time and expertise, at least  moving forward in a beneficial way. 
In the world of Sisterhood things are getting a bit tougher to figure our.  Bad feeling seem to be abounding as the temple wants to operate on a higher budget than they have and Sisterhood is seen as the golden goose to make up the shortfall.  That is one point of view.   The other point of view is Sisterhood exists to support the temple and our money is their money.  The drama continues, with all sorts of bad feelings especially towards members who have left, perhaps not wanting to participate in the drama.   When I chose to volunteer with Sisterhood, and move on from a board seat at the country club it was to do something more authentic, more personal.   But if it comes with a perpetual record of negativity and difficulty there may be better places to volunteer.  So perhaps am not 100% back on board with doing good, or getting better at it.   In the meantime will work on not making assumptions and just letting events unfold.
It is hard to fight cynicism when I am approached by someone outside of Target for money for an Icee, because he is dehydrated.  What?  I just told him water is the best thing, and the drinking fountain at Target is free.  Then I turn the corner and another pan handler doesn't see me as he sits there counting an enormous wad of bills, probably 4 inches thick.  As soon as he sees me he shoves it his pocket and sticks out his hand and asks for a dollar.   My sympathy is dissipated.  Perhaps, I have come as far as I can on this journey and it is time to return to the world of complaining and sarcasm.  Like eating French Fries I know it is bad for me but it sure feels good at the time.

Taking a Break From Middot

Middot are confusing.  They suggest an attitude, almost a personality type.  Acceptance of suffering, an understanding of the heart, a perceptive heart.  But is hard to create personality change, although certainly many have tried, usually not for themselves but for their children or spouse.  But what got me started here was something very different.  As simply stated,  getting better at doing good.  Not turning into a saint, the warmest, friendliest, most wonderful person in the world.  Just practicing mitzvot, making a habit of following some of the commandments.  It was so simple that even in the worst mood, most depressed state of mind, I could do a few things, write a note or a check and then be less focused on myself, get out of my own head and all my worries, and have a pleasant moment or two.  And that worked.  Completely.  So I am putting the middot on hold, it is great to aspire to more, but somehow with my work future once again in turmoil, my motivation to spend more time on temple volunteer stuff waning, and the desire to break all the rules, gossip like a fiend, turn my back on the hungry across the planet, whatever, that desire is on the rise, it is time to take a different sort of action. 
So it is back to mitzvot, after I am done here, I will fill out the high holiday greeting form and enclose my check.  Write the temple dues check without complaining and just take a few actions, positive actions in the moment to move forward.  I got necklaces restrung that my mother in-law of blessed memory, made for me and in this way I honor her memory and that I honor my husband who loved me deeply.  It is just a different point of view.  Maybe I'm not ready for the big step of personal transformation.  Got ahead of myself by teaching a class with the Rabbi.  I am no expert. 
Meanwhile in the throes of no work, I volunteered to speak at an industry event, was rebuffed and then was asked, then agreed, then was told by one person it's definite, and by the organizer only if they can't get someone more prestigious, not his exact words bu the gist of it.  But not being a last minute person, I have now spent some time, getting this talk on paper and am now on version three.  It is supposed be a talk on how I got to where I am, well not exactly to where I am with no work. But where I was before that, back when I was President of a three person company, or Vice President at a 2,000 person company, back then.  In today's version I decided that what really mattered were the pivot points, the places where I veered on to another track, and the common element was 80% parenting and 20% ego.  The ego part may even be more.  Perhaps if I had been more patient with Pfizer I could have had 6 months maternity leave and an interesting job at the end.  I will never know.  What was the start-up?  80% ego I suppose, 20% parenting in that I wouldn't have to move.  The ego part wanted to do something bigger or better than where I was, wanted to get back to first tier.  Didn't exactly work out that way.  I have always had a hard time seeing the long game, or perhaps I have always seen it so clearly that I had to act even though I might not have seen it correctly.   This is not really a mitzvah concept, more of a middot thing, but there is one mitzvah that is relevant, not to panic and retreat during battle.  Because that's what it was in both situations, very different, but things were getting heated and controversial.  I was the kind of kid who never wanted to engage in arguments, I would just storm out of the room and slammed the door.  Some of my job changes were like that.  I can't change what I have done, but I can find ways to stick out what seems uncomfortable.  I am going to think about that, and I think a version 4 of my talk is just around the corner.

Straight Shooter

Pretty much my whole life, I have told it like it is.  In my twenties, I was known among my friends as "lacking in tact."  I was the one considered fearless enough to ask a complete stranger a direct question.  I never took offense at this observation, and secretly I was proud that I could ask something without having to jump around the topic.  I often thought that I would have been a good journalist, because I love asking questions and getting to the bottom of a story.  Later in life as a business person working in start-ups, I was shocked and dismayed by the lack of straight talk.  Lots of hand waving, but if the investors or potential partners knew just how clueless we were, conversations might have gone a different direction.  I really struggled with this.  It is easy to be confident and clear when you have the answers and you know that the information is positive. 
So it put a smile on my face to read that "Love of being Straightforward." is a middot.  I remember one time when my daughter asked for input on something and I hemmed and hawed not wanting to say something negative to her, and she set me straight.  "Just tell me what your really think, that is all I am asking!."   So I took a deep breadth and I told her and everything was fine and since then I have tried not to misrepresent or obfuscate too much, but there are still plenty of times when I have thoughts that are better off left unsaid.
Loving being straightforward doesn't mean being negative, thank-you very much Larry David.  "What, it's true!"  I proclaimed something very similar when as a 8  year old I was chided for complaining that my grandparent's smelled funny.  It was must, and rum balls and the smell of old furniture. 
This middot is not about speech per se, but clarity and comes from, "What is the straight path a person should choose? That which does him/her honor and wins him/her the esteem of others. (Avot 2,1)  I am in the process of putting together a presentation on lessons learned in life science partnering and brought to mind someone who did a big end run around the CEO to keep his job, but in the end I think did harm to others including discrediting the CEO which led to other outcomes.  He came out on top, so it can't be said that the strategy didn't work but it is just not the way I like to operate.  Still I'm not 100% straight, I lead clients to believe I am juggling more projects than I am, I may represent my experience in broad strokes which could give a different impression.   I am happiest though when I feel honest in my core, that my actions and words are aligned, that I am just who I am, strengths and flaws and by living from that place, from that core, good things happen. 

Sometimes when things get a bit challenging or competitive, I wander from the straight path.  I go hiking off the trail, and I get lost.  I want to be seen as accomplished and rather than staying the course I start to do and say things which sabotage my progress.  This week is a good time to reconnect with my goals, and put effort into a plan and moving forward with that plan.

Things I am grateful for:
That my husband, children and I are basically healthy
For the sunshine and wonderful weather which nourishes us where we live
That the bills are paid
That I am loved
That I am connected to many people in this community in a loving and positive way

Patience is a Virtue

I have felt my nerves on edge the past few days or perhaps weeks.  I see myself react where I know reaction isn't really called for.  I find myself longing to unburden my complaints about certain people to others just to somehow pass the underlying feeling of annoyance and anger on, to send it out into the universe as so much population pollution but clear my hear of it.  So in sitting down to write today, I realized this is what I am truly struggling with right now and the posts of the past few weeks while touching on this, have not really in anyway mitigated a change in attitude or behavior.  It's like telling someone to lose 10 pounds.  They may know they should, they may even know how to do it, but this missing element is that moment where something clicks, where our knowledge synchronizes with our true desires and we take action.
In simple non-middot terms, I could identify what I was struggling with as a lack of patience.  This brought to mind the phrase, "patience is a virtue.", something I heard a lot growing up.  I am notorious among family members and coworkers for a lack of patience, wanting everything to happen quickly, with foresight and planning.  When others don't share my attention to timing and detail, I get frustrated and with frustration comes annoyance, and under annoyance is that unconscious seam of low-level anger.  We all know people who go through life in a state of near constant anger (Larry David?) although if you ask one of these people why they are so angry, they will deny that they are angry at all.  I definitely don't want to be one  of those people.
I made conscious effort not to complain about the parking situation when I got to a meeting yesterday, but then later shared with others a bit of it when walking out of the meeting.  I showed as much discipline with my speech as the Corner Bakery brownies on the conference table.   Still I saw it as a warning sign to me to be careful how I interpret a situation when during the meeting I pulled up the meeting info on my phone and saw detailed instructions on where to park and how to get to the conference room.  Other attendees had printed those and that got them into the parking lot, which I was not allowed to park in.  So perhaps some of the burden for the outcome was on me, and perhaps that was often the case.  It got me thinking about another episode from the prior Saturday.  I was all up in arms that I had sent an email detailing who would do what when for Sisterhood presentations and it seemed not to have been read or understood.  So I dug it out of the sent box this morning and re-read it and realized it was not as clear as I thought.  I used the word "we" in a way that could have added to confusion especially with a person who is easily confused.  This softened my reply when I answered a phone message, and in the end I realized it was another situation where I had to accept some of the responsibility for the outcome.   Maybe some of the anger comes from an innate drive I have to put blame elsewhere, something that years of therapy could probably be handy for making a dent in.  I do it on the tennis court, I do it with the kids and I definitely do this with my husband.  So I apologize, I am so so sorry.

According to Wikipedia, the concept of patience as a virtue comes from Psychomachia ("Contest of the Soul"), an epic poem written by Aurelius Clemens Prudentius (c. AD 410) entailing the battle of good virtues and evil vices. The intense popularity of this work in the Middle Ages helped to spread the concept of holy virtue throughout Europe. Practicing these virtues is considered to protect one against temptation from the seven deadly sins, with each one having its counterpart.  So sort of like middot but perhaps more balanced and realistic, providing the yin and yang of each moment.  The vice which it encounters is "wrath".  The middot that connects to that is "slowness to anger", so you can get there in the end.  The text that is derived from is , "Be not quick to anger, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools!" (Ecclesiastes 7,9)"  How true!  Look at all those ridiculous, Republican hard liners, taking away the best of what has been accomplished for fairness and quality of life for the American people.  They are so angry at what they view as the "liberal" point of view they don't even think what is best for all of us, what makes a competitive country, a quality place to live.
It is an interesting overlap with Aurelius's poem, when the Rabbi's write, "Calm, persevering patience is generally a virtue, but especially so for Torah study, for anger causes errors in judgment and leads one to forget one's learning." (The Pirkei Avos Treasury, p.416).   For me the last phrase is key, I have let my inpatience lead me to misjudge or be to quick to judge in a situation, learning to see past this feeling, to double-check the facts and keep an open mind will hopefully help to be more patient and understanding and release that kernel of anger that keeps me feeling on edge instead of at peace with the world around me.  I can't promise it, but I can work on it.

"

Sharing the Burden with One's Friend

As someone who works in a solitary way, sitting at a computer, with the occasional conference call or offsite meeting, I really savor the connections that come often by chance with other people.  Last night walking in the neighborhood I ran into a friend I hadn't really spoken to in a while.  Standing there as the dusk deepened into night and a chill ran through the air, it wasn't really enough time to be truly supportive, to share our deepest thoughts and anxiety about work, life, kids.  But it was just enough to feel a little less isolated and a little more connected.  I struggle with reaching out, picking up the phone and being the ringleader.  Instead I sit at home and read or watch French movies which gives me some vicarious feeling of the joi de vivre.  With my daughter abroad the phone rings rarely and I realize I need to make more of an effort.  I received a lovely note today, thanking me for stuff I had done for Sisterhood.  That is a form of friendship, and one I can do more of.   Tonight meeting friends at a local concert and then tomorrow night, recipient of an extra ticket from another friend for a concert at the snazzy Nokia theater.  The question is how do I engage in a way with these friends to build stronger bonds, let them get to know me better without just complaining.  Because what truly do I have to complain about.  I have not had the major illnesses, life changing events like divorce, traumatic kid challenges of so many of my friends.  Yes, there are ways and days I would like to be just a wee bit more blessed, but for now it is enough.  There are all those Facebook friends where I can enjoy the happy occasions in others lives, their special pictures of prom, and graduation and weddings.  I can click like and feel that I have provided support knowing full well this is not true support.  True support is cooking meals for someone who is ill or driving someone to the doctor who can no longer drive.  This is a form of friendship as well.  I have more friends activities planned on Saturday ( three nights in a row with music and friends), and then comes my anniversary dinner on Sunday, with my best friend of all.  One of the reasons, I don't reach out more to other people is we, my husband and I are a self-contained unit and we aren't unhappy with this arrangement.  After 3 nights of being social with others it will be great to just relax and be just the two of us.  In celebration of friendship, am going to jot off a quick note to my friend Jean.  We have known each other since 6th grade, and it is amazing and great that we are still in touch and manage to get together every couple of years.  So this week, going to find friendship by being a friend, and looking for ways to reach out.