Happy Halloween

Here is it is finally, the night of costumed children and adults parading in the streets. And having made my peace with it, bought the candy, wore a costume of sorts to Zumba class, I still found myself not happy to see the large signboard at the dry cleaners advertising the free haunted house on my block. So is there a way to come out of tonight feeling good about the experience? I do know that my house looks dark and perhaps uninviting compared to the other attractions on the block, so it may just be me and a giant tub of candy for the night. If we consider giving out candy in the broad sense as either an act of neighborliness or an act of charity, in either case I lose nothing by giving candy, as a neighbor it is akin to breaking bread or sharing food, and as charity, according to the Torah, you will never become poor from giving charity, and no harm will befall you because of it. Sort of like the never ending pasta bowl...the more you give, the more you have? I get this on a motivational, faith level but is it really true? I've had a hard time not considering the money I give to charity as money I might need one day. And the idea of giving 10% of our income, well when you add it all up we might be at 5%, and it would be emotionally akin to bungee jumping for me to go any higher. I'm sticking with small acts for a long time before I will feel ready for bigger gestures.

Which raises another tough question, my husband offered a small loan to his sister as she needed to get something for a job. According to the commentary, charity should be considered a loan, somehow the universe will return what you give away. So in that way he can make a loan, and let go of whether it ever gets paid back in a direct fashion. Or maybe he should just call it an early Hanuakah present and move on. Most everybody is doing the best they can these days, many folks have taken a hit of one sort or another. The best I can do is smile, be patient, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I guess that is the philosophy for Halloween night, whether the trick or treater be too little to talk or over 6 feet tall, make my smile my mask and enjoy whatever comes to the door.

Tiny Threads Weaving

Today is a day where the efforts of prior days seemed to come together for positive outcomes. On the tennis courts practicing as a team paid off, but more importantly when I started to fall into a hole of frustration and anger, I changed course and took a positive point of view and then just did the best I could. I thought consciously about La Shon HaRa in terms of what was silent, because even if you don't say it out loud, thinking it can take you to a negative place. Of course I noticed one of our opponents botoxed lips, but I didn't comment to my partner and I put that thought aside, and told myself perhaps there was another explanation for her inability to speak and her extra plump lips. So I'm sharing it now, because it will be a long time before I will stop noticing these things, but as long as I don't say or share it in a way that could hurt or embarrass her then I think it's okay. And as previously discussed, since no one reads this, then it is as if I am just yelling in an empty tunnel.
I got a call back from the recent widower, she was so appreciative of my call. She has her daughter coming in this weekend, but we both agreed that when she is back on her own, I am around to provide some company and conversation, to help fill the emptiness of her house for a short hour or so now and then.
I attended a professional association meeting and when they asked for volunteers, I volunteered, and gladly and not with an eye to where is the payout for me, but because I know that being involved is the path, to know more people and to bring more value to more people. It was the first time the organizer of this meeting seemed to respond to me in a positive way, and even gave me a hug. And a fortuitous event was that a scientist I had been talking to (and who has been avoiding me I think) was there, and we had a nice chat, but it seems unlikely they are going to hire me or sign me up as a founder. But that is okay, and I offered my time to review their business plan, because as along as I have time, to be productive in this way is so great. I could have the best career ever of consulting, advising and mentoring if there weren't bills to pay, but I feel at least that I am closer to my authentic self (knowing how stupid that sounds) these days.

Finally, I broke down and bought a huge stash of Halloween candy. There is no mitzah for giving children cavities but love your neighbor likely includes being warm and friendly to the hordes of costumed children and adults that will descend on our neighborhood on Monday night. I could pray for rain but at least it is a school night.

Each and every day I look for ways I can help others, add value, be a friend and a compassionate caring parent and in this way I am growing.

How hard is a phone call?

I am looking at a large book I got out of the temple library called Love Your Neighbor sitting on my desk. It is a compilation of torah references that is supposed to be a practical guide in how to live your life. Considering the title, I knew when I got an email that a recent widow up the street was having a tough time, what I needed to do. I don't really know her, but still I called. Unfortunately I got an answering machine, but when time allows will take a walk down there and see if she needs a ride to the grocery store or whatever and I would be glad to do it. Reaching out to strangers is hard, sometimes for me, really hard, but the torah is pretty clear on this, "We must come to the aid of even a complete stranger." There has been alot of argument in sociobiology circles for years about whether altruisim truly existed or if the behavior of helping a stranger was in the long haul something that aids the survival of the species so it is directly beneficial. Some of us have spent so many years building up walls of cynicism it is difficult to respond in a direct and caring fashion to the needs of those around us. My daughter is just the opposite. She absorbs all the tsuris of the world around her and feels the tragedies of others lives as her own. She has always been the first to want to visit a sick classmate in the hospital, or bake cookies for someone who is feeling down. But sometimes she struggles with separating her feelings with those who are most directly effected. At least according to the Torah, her ability to feel others bad news as her own is a good thing, but there is a difference between a deep-seated empathy, a concern that emanates from this feeling and falling into a state of sadness and depression for something that is not directly impacting your life. In the movie, sex, lives and videotapes the lead female character is in a deep depression about the overwhelming about of garbage on the planet. Feeling sad, regardless of how close to home the reason is, can sometimes seem self-indulgent, but it is clear that it is okay but there are also other considerations. The true mitzvot can come from the comfort we provide, to those who are mourning, or struggling with illness. It is difficult to be a support to others, if we are wrapped up in our own feelings of sorrow. Last night my daughter found out that an acquaintance, a good friend of a good friend, had committed suicide and now she is struggling with her own feelings. But my hope and prayer and my comfort and compassion for her is that she takes those feelings and turns it into the greater mitzvot, of support and friendship for those who were closest to this young man. Our thoughts and prayers are with this young man's family.

A Quiet Monday

I was feeling a bit mitzvah challenged today, nothing special happened, no unexpected opportunities came knocking on my door. I wrote a condolence note, I listened to my daughter, although I did jump ahead with commentary, kind of a net net there. I did make a cup of coffee for the guy fixing my car, something I would never have done before, but I didn't think about in terms of what is "professional", I just thought he probably could use a cup of coffee, and I overcame my typical preference for privacy and offered him the use of the bathroom before he hit the road, which he declined. Amazing to me, since a cup of coffee and three hours later I would be in desperate need. I haven't responded yet to Healthy Kids, still trying to figure out where I want to be, but I did follow-up re: volunteering to do some marketing talks for a local group of start-ups. So for a quiet day, there was some stuff, but still just to be on the safe side, I said the Shema a few times, as this is a mitzvah, but the funny thing is I can only recite it by rote by singing, all those years in temple I have to have the melody to propel me along. I was telling a friend a bit about this blog and his reply was it is a mitzvah to share your writing, or a sin to not share your writing, something like that, but really I couldn't find anything relevant on the topic, except a quote from Gene Shalit, which I don't think is a Talmudic scholar, two snaps! I wish I had more today, but this is all I got. And until I learn otherwise, will continue to write in the quiet vacuum of the very public internet.

Friday

The sun has set and the sky is darkening. Time to light the candles (if I still have them) and get off the computer. How about virtual computer candle lighting, there is probably an i-phone app for that! Because isn't mostly about the sentiment, the moment of peace and quiet, the reflection of the flame on your hands.
I wrote a condolence note today, practiced compassionate listening and spent some time on a hike in the local canyon, smiling to as many people as possible, petting dogs etc. But my main accomplishment was what I didn't say. This morning after multiple reminders, my husband locked the door on his way out, thereby locking our cleaning lady out. Luckily I arrived home a few minutes later. My typical instinct would be to text him right away, just to let him know he is getting senile! But how does knowing that help him. Not at all, this forgetting stuff is a pattern, and one that sadly seems to go with aging. He's not an absent minded 11 year old boy who it is hoped with enough nagging and penalties will some day remember his homework. I'm not sure that really worked with our son either, just made him feel bad but at least we aren't the parents who called their son every morning his first year of college to make sure he woke up. At some point we all sink or swim on our own, but my husband is very responsible, he's just getting forgetful, so next time, I can run the risk of insulting him by putting a sticky note on the door or come up with another solution, because critiquing the past is only of value when behavioral change can occur. So new motto for Friday, Be fast to compliment and slow to criticize! Still if I have a glass of wine tonight, it may pop-out. But then do I have to settle the score with all my own "I am such an idiot" moments, hope not. In the meantime, we rise above and hope that keeping my usual commentary internal doesn't result in an ulcer.

Compassionate Listening

It was a quiet day on the mitzvah front. I attended an industry conference where at least I took the point of view of being supportive, warm and caring, so not making it about me, and keeping my catty thoughts or comments (of which there were only a few even in gestation) to myself. So what if we can finish other people's sentences, perhaps they'd like that pleasure for themselves. I tried opening doors and showing common courtesy, but it seemed like one of those days where the universe was aligned to help me, which was nice for a change. No call back from Healthy Kids, am I relieved or annoyed? There are so many ways to volunteer, how do I get closest to what matters to me?

As dusk drew near, I listened to my daughter as she shared her tears and anxieties about mid-term prep, social life, eating, the gamut. So I wondered, is listening a mitzvah? Once again the absence of an activity....becoming an active state. Well according to Rabbi David Booth of the CyberTorah blog, listening is a mitzvah, his rationale pulls from liturgy but perhaps it is a stretch, shma israel, (hear us israel), but he closes with what I think is a beautiful sentiment, "May our acts of listening be counted as praise, and may the healing quality that compassionate listening engenders be felt everywhere in our community." I hope I was a compassionate listener, and not too quick to jump in with advice, hmmm probably have to work on that one, still more on the intention side of the scale then the fully commited to being and hearing her point of view. So now both my speech and my hearing are part of a continum of mitzvot by avoiding negative commentary or thoughts, compassionate listening and compassionate speaking.

The Good, The Bad and the Questionable

The thing about donating, whether it be time or money is you want to know that you are giving to a good cause, and all not all causes or organizations are equal. Whether it be how or where the resources are distributed. So when I recently was asked to donate to the "feed the homeless" in front of a local drugstore, instead of breezing past I took a flyer. A week later I finally got around to looking this charity up...and found numerous "scam" postings on the internet. Sounds like a family figured there was easy money to be had, they collect for months and then host a bbq for themselves in a park for which if any homeless people are walking by they will offer them a plate. Of course there are two sides to every story, but didn't really seem like it in this case. So in the trash the flyer went. It seems like there are numerous organizations and facilities raising money for the "homeless" these days; and it gets a bit hard to sift through. But at least in our neighborhood, Union Station seems to be doing the best of job, of providing food, housing and transition services. So now I know, random solicitations at Rite-Aid, do your homework first, then consider donating.

In terms of door-to-door, both my husband and I bought boy scout popcorn...we definitely don't need $40 of popcorn and I think that money could have gone somewhere else, but our own son did this fundraising and lets face it, the kids are cute!

So that covers the bad and the questionable, and some good too. But then I picked up the phone and called Healthy Kids Pasadena, and "volunteered", will see what comes of it, a little afraid to make school year long commitment, or even to walk into a classroom, but the volunteer coordinator was terrific, warm and friendly, professional and hopefully this is a start to getting out of a rut in terms of when and where I volunteer, basically for the greater good of "my crowd." So will just have to wait and see what comes of this. My heart is in the right place.

Yesterday I wrote briefly about business ethics, projects that weren't a perfect fit but where the need for business flow motivated me to position myself for them anyway. This did weigh kind of heavily on me, and I realized I really didn't want this work. Fate intervened, one potential client asked for further details, at which point I was very clear about what I had and hadn't done, no further word and that is just fine. As for the other one, am thinking it won't come through and praying if it does that I get so busy with other stuff that I feel comfortable turning it down. I know the high road is turning it down, even if it was the last dollar I would ever make and I needed the money to keep the lights on, but am just not that noble yet. We're working on it.

Blessed Memory

Yesterday I went to a neighbor's home to help with the shiva minyan, the memorial service done in the home after the funeral. As per tradition, their is a full spread of food, and our Sisterhood's tradition is to be their so the family can concentrate on what they need to do, like grieve. I started helping with this a few years ago, as an extension of another activity. I had signed up to visit the sick (Bikkur Holim) except every time I got assigned someone they were either not interested in a visitor ( I got some angry replies when I phoned) or were too far along to visit. The very first person I was assigned, I spoke to the wife on Monday and I think the husband died on Friday. I felt terrible that I had intruded in my zeal to do my new job...but to make up for it, I went to the shiva at their house. I had had very little shiva experience, both my grandparents that were religious were buried across the country and my parents had zero interest in a shiva, a deli meal after the graveside at a typical New Jersey diner was all they wanted. When my father in-law died, we ate and the mirrors were covered as is the custom, but there was no prayer service, it was just a social time. So when I went to a strangers house out of guilt, I was pushing myself way out of my comfort zone. I learned that it is a mitzah to go, regardless of whether you know the people or not, and also that an individual who has lost a spouse, appreciates all support and kind words. I was happy to be there to help and so I volunteered to do it again. I figured at the very least, I would better understand this tradition if I ever had to do this myself.

So when the call for help went out on Sunday, I thought why not? I had the time and there was a need. When you help you are hanging out with the help in the kitchen mostly, clearing trays and such. You are totally disconnected with the spiritual or religious part of the event. But the funny thing is that inevitably, the widow makes her way to the kitchen where it is just a bit quieter and she is happy to have a change in focus, to meet me and chat about something other than the momentous life change she faces. I think this was my mitzvah, not the cleaning, or food prep, or the driving home of the lady who does the organizing, even though I needed to cook my dinner and fold laundry. But just to be there in the kitchen, to reassure this neighbor, I will be there is she needs a ride, someone to walk with, whatever. So many people did this for my grandmother, it is easy to offer it in sincerity in return.

On the work side, I am struggling with some ethical dilemmas, how far do I go in painting my picture of success? How far do I go in positioning myself as an expert. I have seen men, make much more of much less, but would prefer to never have to do or say anything that didn't feel 100 percent perfect. But I might never work. On the flip side when I get an assignment, I truly add value, and isn't that what matters. But may not be making the true definition of probity. A sales man I am not. I just had a guy come to my door selling miracle cleaner for $80. He made some fantastic claims, including because of the environmentally friendly nature you could deduct the purchase from your taxes. Somehow this didn't bother me. I wasn't going to buy it, but I kind of admire that ability to say whatever it takes and yet I don't really I have it in me. Or do I?

On the topic of La'shon HaRa, the dam kind of burst last night. Talking about people is so integral to what I talk about, I so enjoy observing all the little idiosyncracies, and then sharing them with my loved ones. I am trying to find a middle ground, the place where it is not the first topic, and that you truly only go there if it is information someone needs, and definitely not when it is just something hurtful. This is really hard.

The pursuit of probity

According to the Talmud, the very first question that we are held accountable for after our deaths is "Nasata V'netata Be'emunah" which means "did you conduct your business affairs with honesty and with probity?" I had to look up probity: The quality of having strong moral principles; honesty and decency, so that seems clear if a bit redundant. I was thinking about this because a potential consulting project came across the transom that kind of gave me pause. I am a strong advocate for better human health, I don't invest in tobacco companies and I try to not work on anything that seems harmful or even superfluous (basically any product Allergan makes), but work has been slow and a case can be made that this product a "smokeless tobacco" basically like a chaw, something you put in your mouth (gross) deserves fair and balanced labeling from the FDA. Or do they? Even a murderer is entitled to a quality defense. It is one thing to outlow unhealthy choices all together, but then the whole personal choice question arises. This project is a long shot and not a great fit with my knowledge or interests but if it happened, would I take it and is that immoral? I don't really know the answer, and am not a big fan of hard and fast lines. When my son was about 4, one of our neighbors had a babysitter who smoked constantly, as all the kids and sitters hung out, I was worried about the second hand smoke. From my comments (LaShon Ha Ra!), my son knew that cigarettes were bad but then he made the leap to the person smoking cigarettes is bad. He didn't want to be around her and I think even told her she was bad for smoking. I also remember that this 50 something italian-american grandma with the classic Brooklyn rasp had bad allergies that she went for shots for. Quitting would have been good for her, but it wasn't going to happen. So then I had to explain to a spectacularly stubborn 4 year old that a bad habit does not make a bad person (and thank goodness for that). I don't think he truly believe me, but then years later he goes off to college and starts smoking cigarettes which didn't help his allergies either, so go figure. I don't think I would be a bad person for providing market strategy to a tobacco company, but I wouldn't be proud of my work either. During the high holidays I ran into a friend who asked about work and I shared my blues, he said something encouraging and I said something like I'm hopeful something will come along and he replied I hope something really good comes along, something that you enjoy and really want to do. Now that's something to pray on and maybe even hold out for.

One other note, on my morning walk, there was a really cute dog out on his own, came up to me, very sweet. Unfortunately with no glasses, I could not read the tag. What were my choices? Knock on nearby doors at 7:30 in the morning? Cut my walk short? I guess one of those could have been fine, but I decided "I didn't know what to do" so I walked on and then felt guilty. I hope the dog found its way home safely, no thanks to me.

LaShon HaRa 10/11/2011

Having nothing specific to write about today and not feeling like resorting to my check book after paying my bills, I decided to go back to basics and see what other types of mitzvahs I could undertake that might lift my spirits as well. Yesterday I wrote about the sin of what is not done, but today I am going to write about the mitzvah of not doing....the mitzvah of not bearing tales.

According to http://www.jewfaq.org, one of the gravest of sins is lashon ha-ra (literally, "the evil tongue"), which involves discrediting a person or saying negative things about a person, even if those negative things are true!

"It is forbidden to even imply or suggest negative things about a person. It is forbidden to say negative things about a person, even in jest. " This seems like a pretty hard standard for most Jews myself included. It almost seems like we are trained from birth to critique and find fault in ourselves and even those closest to us. I have often found myself falling into this trap of having nothing to say at a cocktail party and reverting to some sort of salacious comment about somebody. I was officially raised with the maxim" if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." But that always seemed to be a one-way street, children should only be nice and polite, but parents, aunts and uncles etc can say whatever comes in their head. The only person I have ever known who truly never had a bad thing to say about anyone even when I really, really tried to get her to, was my grandmother. She had been through so much, and yet she never complained, whether it be about the gardener or my parents or even us wayward grandchildren. There were certainly plenty of times we were deserving.

We recently had an uncomfortable episode among some of our Sisterhood ladies, all of whom I consider friends. Two women on a commitee met for lunch and the topic of involving a third woman came up. One of the women mentioned some concerns from past programs this woman was involved in, not staying on budget stuff like that. Later on this woman feels guilty about this conversation and wants to absolve her guilt, so she calls the third woman and shares the conversation to "clear the air." This resulted in an email to a bunch of us from the third woman whose feelings were deeply hurt. I really did not know how to respond, I wasn't there and was unclear on what had transpired. Other women stepped in and I guess the event has blown over. Still it was a lesson learned, and on several occasions since I have found myself with this woman whose feelings were hurt by the negative things said and before I know it a comment about someone else has slipped out, someone's ability to take minutes or stay on topic, all true, but it felt wrong because of the history, that just this type of conversation was responsible for hurting someone I care about. This is probably the very toughest mitzvah for me, my entire sense of humour, how I put folks at ease involves at some level tale-bearing. What will replace it? Silence? You might think positive comments, but apparently that is not really encouraged either as it might draw unwanted attention, or if it is not sincere then it is a form of deceit. What will I have to talk about? I don't enjoy hearing others slammed, so why be the person who does that. Still if there is news that is important to know, ie: someone is ill, then I would like to know. Intuitively I do know the difference and have felt the discomfort on many occasions as words came out of my mouth. My daughter says I always can find the positive in a situation, which may be true, but I am also quick to find fault when looking to balance out a perspective on something not going according to plan. So today's commitment, one week without LaShon HaRa...can it be done? We'll see.

Yom Kippur Redux 10/10/2011

Yom Kippur is a mitzvah master class; The recitation of sins and atonements are at their simplest a list in reverse of what you should be doing. Something about a religion that focuses an entire night and day on what you have done wrong, high on the list turning away from G_d's mitzvot, talk about guilt. But like a re-reading of a favorite novel, there is always something new to say or do in the service. I had learned a few days prior that it is a mitzvah to offer a prayer of thanks, either privately or in the synagogue, when one recovers from a serious illness. So when we had the opportunity to have a few moments together as a family in front of the open ark, I convinced my husband that he should do this because of this mitzvah. He was diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer last year and we are all thank-ful to have this behind us. We stood there our arms stretched across our children and ourselves, a linear hug of sorts, each one of us with our silent prayers. You can find the Shecheyanu or blessing which he said here : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shehecheyanu
wikipedia). It gives thanks just for being there at that moment, because that is enough.

Another new learning for me was the "sin of silence", which I think I am paraphrasing. I spent most of my life believing that it was my actions that determined my "goodness." But there was a place where it explicitly referred to not taking action as a sin. In my outside reading, I found that it is a tenet that the Jew will concern him/herself with the needs of others, of our people and our world. The Jew must act. The Ten Commandments are not enough....these...are the ways in which we demonstrate that we are kedoshim, reflections of the divine presence. So when I read the news and see stuff that bothers me, whether it be CEO pay, endemic obesity, lack of good healthcare, of fair wages, it is not enough to be outraged in my own head or even like some of my loved ones on a Facebook page. Somehow to transition from viewing causes from a mountain across a valley, need to stand on the actual mountaintop and give time and energy. I have always admired those who did but was also a little dubious, not feeling the least bit driven to help my fellow man unless he was standing in my own house or if called upon. I am so far away from being one who embraces this, who stands up to be counted. But I can work on it, find something I care about and do more than write a small check or attend a benefit, have an impact. Well not today, but something to think about tomorrow and for a whole year of tomorrows to come, so that when I hear this prayer next year I will see in myself some change, even a small one.

10/6/2011 Blood Drive

Gemilut Chasadim: the Jew will concern himself with the needs of others, of his people and his world. The Jew must act. The Ten Commandments are not enough....these...are the ways in which we demonstrate that we are kedoshim, reflections of the divine present-ness1

I've been in a bit of a slump since yesterday, but with sunny albeit chilly weather today things should have been looking up. Still I tried to push through, by taking initiative but even
shopping for Yom Kippur items and food did not help. I now have a pair of cheap white canvas sneakers, because one of the commandments for YK is no leather. Of course it is easy to find normal looking high heels that are 100% man-made, probably easier now than finding leather as I have often spent alot of time reading labels at discount shoe stores. But the tradition is for these cloth sneakers or plastic sandals, so my whole approach to dressing is just out of whack. I also bought an off-white lace dress on sale so I can dress for repentant success. So instead of high heels and all black, I'll be there in a white cotton ensemble. We'll see if that matters. But even this purchase did not elevate my mood. Nor did buying a lovely challah and leg of lamb.
What finally did it was calling the help line for my web email provider and fixing a problem I had had for over a year in getting this email in the outlook. It was an easy fix because I had just entered the information (clear as day on the help site) wrong. So I had to call another human being to read a page I already had up on my computer to me. There were several lessons learned there 1) time for a new pair of prescription reading glasses 2) I can get really indignant when I am completely in the wrong. Feeling foolish I thanked the help person profusely. How often and how easily we get annoyed for things that are own fault or within our own capability to fix if we take the initiative.

So now feeling a bit better, I could return my focus of what should be the mitzvah of the day and decided to sign up for a local blood drive. Giving blood seems like it should be a mitzvah because it means you are willing to give of your self for others but just to check did a little research, turns out it is also considered, Pikkuach Nefesh (saving of life) so definitely a good thing. If you want to read a really long explanation of why from a torah point of view donating blood is a good thing, here is another website: http://torahmusings.com/2010/11/blood-donations-according-to-halacha/ I admit I just skimmed it, too much information for me but the gist seems to be that if we can in good health give our blood, we should and that this is something that the Jewish community does embrace. There is alot of discussion on that website about donating only to Jews, which is the kind of ethnocentric point of view which may have helped or hindered survival for our people. For me, this is just not a question. Whomever is in need is my equal. That being said, we can add donating blood to the list of things I have avoided assiduously for years. My rationale was weak, something to do with the potential for pain, difficulty finding my veins in the past, a risk of a mistake, a needle puncture etc. And perhaps there was also a bit of skepticism about the Red Cross which while non-profit also sells a lot of blood and derivatives (such as platelets) which have been donated. But in this case, the blood goes directly to our community hospital blood bank and even if not, if a life is saved or benefits, how is it that I am so worried about a negligible risk to myself, so skeptical that I cannot be generous in spirit like so many others. I had signed up about 5 years ago and then was excluded due to a recent episode of chest pain, and add to it the embarrassment of that, mixed with a secret relief. "Well I tried", that was my moral high ground. So I am now 100% signed up and while a bit nervous (really), am just going to face this hurdle and hope to feel a bit lighter for the blood I gave up at the end.




1Gates of Mitzvah Central Conference of American Rabbis, 1979

10/5/2011 Rainy Day

"The very act of doing a mitzvah may lead one to know the heart of the matter."
"It is a mitzvah to have guests at one table, especially for the celebration of Shabbat and Festivals. One should pay particular attention to strangers and others who do not have familes of their own. (hachnasat orchim) 1

Something about the first real cold wet day of the Fall season in California makes me want to just hibernate. It is easier to have mitzvah moments when out and about, but it turns out that just when you are pulling inward, the phone rings with a request. I had months ago agreed to host our monthly Rosh Hodesh discussion at my house in December, so this was just a confirmation. I had signed up once before and then had to cancel. Something about a group of women in my house in the evening, the job of providing refreshments, having to clean up etc had made this one of those, I feel like I should do it, but then kept avoiding it decisions. So now I am glad to do it, I even look forward to it, and I know that whatever snacks I provide, home made or store bought, they will be appreciated. Am not really sure how I became the kind of person who stressed about $30 in sparking water, wine and a few cookies but that is exactly how I had become. So now, one day, one step at a time, we are practicing being better, opening my heart, and my home.
1Gates of Mitzvah Central Conference of American Rabbis, 1979

10/4/2011 Dialing 911

Why is it that at the exact moment when I am feeling really great, in a reverie of happiness something happens? I was driving on a stretch of freeway that is just beautiful, having just been told I was beautiful by the knife sharpener, listening to uplifting music, aware of the sun filtering through the mist and clouds, distracted momentarily and then back to the reality of stuff flying through the air as a major accident unfolds before my eyes. I was far enough back to avoid the debris spreading and moving across the highway and to slow down while looking in my rear mirror. I saw a huge semi-tractor trailer with a liquid tank on the back, kind of fishtailed across the three left lanes, and several other vehicles. I tried to think what to do. In the past this feeling of uncertainty would result in me driving on, as many folks did, figuring what? That someone else will surely have called or helped. I found a sort of safe place on the right, although it was an exit ramp and noticed a vehicle pulled behind me. I dug out my cell phone and called 911. I looked for landmarks while the phone rang and was able to give them an exact location and describe what I saw. I was expecting the dispatcher to say there was already a CHP on the way, but instead she said will get someone out there. So possibly I was the first caller. After I hung out, I realized that cars were already driving past in the right lanes, and it would have been impossible to get to the people on the left. I noticed one man walking around looking 100% fine, not panicked, so hoping no one was hurt and realizing there was nothing I could do, help on the way I drove on. So here's the thing, this was the first time I have ever called 911. And there have been other situations, accidents barely missed, the time my infant son had croup, but my indecision always weighed out on the side of doing nothing. In the case of my son, our neighbor the physician called, the result being two NYC police on our doorstep, whisking him off to the hospital. I realized that all those moments of not knowing what to do, I did know what to do, I was just afraid to do it. As if I would get in trouble if I called 911 and it wasn't really an emergency. So I hope that everyone was fine today. I'm glad I called it in, because stepping up is far more important than being right and I'll try to keep remembering that the antidote to uncertainty may just be doing the thing that you are uncomfortable with.

10/3/2011 Monday Shopping

I was having too much fun this weekend to feel like I was "doing good", so even when I was it was just a natural part of the day although am now seeing that there are myriad choices each day that I make, to be tough or resistant, to be critical or negative or just choose to be accepting, to let cars cut in or watch my husband drive the slow way to dinner or my son be late to dinner. Because by being more generous with my spirit, I relax and it is better for me. But I have the deeply ingrained habits of the overlooked middle child, not the beautiful first born or the brilliant only son, I have learned over the years to fend for myself and the results are not always pretty. So when someone gives me a nasty look when my grocery cart is in the way or something equally petty, it is hard for me not to go into my fighter don't mess we mode. So one realization is that living a life infusewith acts of kindness is sometimes more about what you don't do and say, not just the positive actions we take. So it is easy for me to recognize a bad habit I have of bonding with folks over funny stories about myself, but also when I run short of material pretty much anybody in my sphere is game. When sworn to secrecy, I keep a promise, but anything else that happens in life is fair game. And talking about others foibles is an easy laugh. But is it fair? If I stopped telling on others, or sharing my observations what would I talk about? The even bigger challenge is to stop making the negative observations. Who am I to set judgement on the denizens of plant earth? Unless you are starring in a reality show in which case, you are fair game. But for my friends and acquaintances, my indulgence in clever conversation may not be viewed as creative after all. Something to work on, that and my net game.

On a more tangible front, I bought groceries to donate to the Foothill Unity Center as part of our temples annual high holiday food drive. It is a mitzvot to give food to those in need but even so it did not fill be with joy to put stuff in my grocery cart (prepared foods) that I don't buy for my own family and to face a higher grocery bill at the cashier when I work so hard to keep these bills down. So as I went through the aisles looking for the requested items I tried to remind myself how important and nice it will be for a family to have a Thanksgiving meal where-ever they are that feels "normal." Still I was not really happy. It was not until I go to checkout and realized the added items weren't too much that I felt relieved. And packing up the donation bag I felt I had fullfilled this mitzvah in a more through manner than in the past, where I often just went through my cabinets and pulled out the appropriate cans. There is a difference between fullfilled and fullfillment. I can have met the obligation of the commandment (fullfilled) but if I don't derive a sense of pride or happiness, if I don't readily give of my self and my pocketbook (fullfillment), is it less of a mitzvot? Probably not for the family that gets the food. So add generosity of spirit to my list of things to work on. I don't think mitzvot means grand gestures like the Donald Sterling never ending prizes for whatever, throwing money too good causes as if it was a race. The money hopefully does good things, but that doesn't mean the person is good.