Post-Thanksgiving

After a long Thanksgiving weekend...4 days if you count the start of cooking...and a few tense moments, all went well. It was a great feeling to sit at a table with my family, my adult children, my parents, my husband, sister and sister in-law and have all the food come out delicious and enjoyed. The weather was so gorgeous that was enough to be thankful for (dayenu!), the last rugelach has been eaten, and that is also something to be thankful for. We talked about LaShon HaRah at a party and even used it as a gentle reminder to a friend who was about to embark on a big time criticism of a local theatrical production. Even though she was correct at least technically, there may have been someone in the room who was involved or supported it and what is to be gained about dragging their moment of joy through the mud. The goal for me has been to do what my parents constantly told me to do, think before I speak. I never really learned that lesson until now. So enamored with my humorous insights, my ability to put someone in a hot spot, I was quick to let it fly. Now I am quicker to listen, working on interrupting less, although when surrounded by family and a Chinese meal, everyone talking at once, it is easy to forget and just jump into the fray. It helped with my sister in-law, to not be so quick to pass judgement, sit in silence even when hearing something that truly surprised or astonished me, just let the conversation go where it may and in the process learned more. I am grateful for my wonderful family and supportive friends, my beautiful children growing up in ways that I truly admire. I am kvelling (but not bragging).

Tennis

One of the hardest things in tennis is to not blame your partner, out loud or silently. I don't want to belabor this topic. I'm not proud of my behavior, I tried really hard today. But I've got a long way to go. On a beautiful fall morning, I am so privileged as to be able to play a competitive match at one of smallest but nicest tennis facilities in the area with a truly wonderful and nice person. But once things get mental and they do, and then we lose I have a hard time just letting go. I used the car ride home and then the advantage of an empty house and work to focus on, and now I can say I have finally 7 hours later let go. I worry that I have alienated someone I really like by letting these thoughts creep out of my mouth from time to time.

Consider this from Zelig Pliskin's Love Your Neighbor (with the gender changed) on belittling others, " The cure for this is for the person to honestly examine her character. Even if she is in fact, essentially good, she has surely not utilized her full potential. Once she has become aware of her own faults, surely she will be less likely to speak against others."

I agree with the part about full potential. Instead of focusing on my partners errors, I need to focus on where I can improve and execute to the best of my potential. But I am pretty aware of my faults and even in the years when I was terrible I still came off a court and just had this burning need to shift the blame. I even for a time practiced intentionally blaming my self. I could have done better(duh) but that didn't help. I watched what the gracious players said and mimicked that. We had a great set, played tough, but in the end they outplayed us. I said that today, but it never really seems to end the feeling of frustration. My partner in the middle of the match, mentioned to the ladies how equal we were, what a great match it was. I didn't feel we were playing to our potential as a team, and wasn't sure they would agree. But why did it bother me that she said that?

I think the bigger challenge is to keep it in perspective. I know rationally that I could have done more. And yes replaying my mistakes does help find some forgiveness. I know this is a habit like any other, and also a way to protect myself from feeling bad. So how can I either start winning when I should, or at least being a better loser. Is there a way to play tennis without blame? For awhile there I was telling myself no regrets when I walked on the court, do what I am going to do and go home happy. Clearly I am just not there yet.
Pliskin says that "some people have a tendency to always complain about others and find fault with them. ...The unfortunate possessor of this trait will speak against others because she feels that others dislike her. To correct this trait a person must train herself to judge others favorably. When in contact with others , he must always keep in mind that we are commanded to love other people and forbidden to hate them."

Ok, I get it now. I am really insecure. When I walk off with a loss I do feel that others are judging me for losing, thinking less of me, friend or the tennis pro. I want to be thought of as a good player so I deflect the loss on to others. So first I need to accept that others aren't judging my playing (at least mostly), that I am a good player and getting better, and this loss will help me get better, and having a partner who is supportive of me even when I make mistakes, is a blessing and I need to work harder to return that blessing. I will say that I gave my partner a friendly kiss when I left and hope that my internal turmoil was not betrayed.
So that's my homework, believe in myself more on the court and love my partner all the way to 6-love.

Big in the Borscht Belt

I've been busy with work, so wasn't thinking I had done too much worth talking about but then I came across some commentary and found out I was going in the wrong direction. Last night I attended a networking event and lecture that was a sort of joint Israel-US thing. The event was a bit expensive and the agenda had been confusing so I wasn't going to go but got offered a comp ticket. So there I was, trying to maintain the positive attitude, reminding myself not to say anything bad about anyone (and oh I really could of) when I ran into some folks I knew, and out of my mouth flew my "joke", basically that you could tell there were a lot of Jews in the room because you couldn't even get near the food, I may have even added a comment about a cousin's bar mitzvah where the stampede for appetizers looked like the rush for a lifeboat off the Titanic. I thought this joke was so clever I shared it a few more times, including with my husband when I got home 4 hours later, exhausted and famished and more than a little frustrated. I had been working so hard at not slamming the event, and the event organizer that this joke was my frustration outlet. But it didn't feel right, and am not sure the laughs I got were all that comfortable, except on the home front. Now I know why. It is a grave sin to speak against the Jewish people as a whole. Yikes, there goes the entire schtick of a bunch of comedians. Now you might think this doesn't count really, talking about a stereotypical behavior, but one of the specific examples from the Midrash was Yeshayahu (is that Joshua) said to G_d, "I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips. For this statement he was severely punished. I am not sure if it was a punishment but the first group of folks I was talking to walked off, and they are current and hopefully future clients, the second group of folks, the conversation just didn't go well. And like I said the rest of the evening, well that was punishment in itself. I've had a bad habit of self-deprecating comments for years under the mistaken belief that if I put myself down under the guise of humor it will protect me someone else doing it. And in a way this is more of the same. So no more Jew Jokes I guess. Particularly if it could add to someone's prejudices.

I definitely lost my mojo last night. So all I can do is ask forgiveness and keep on going. I can't avoid frustrating situations, time-wasters, obnoxious people, traffic, bad food, bad service. Because to avoid those things you'd have to be a hermit and where is the joy in that? So just as I hear myself speak and am on the watch for La Shon HaRa will extend the philosophy to the Jewish people as a whole. The first stone should not be thrown by me.

Its the most wonderful time of the year

There were no amazing strides today. However with the Holiday season approaching the opportunities for doing good are growing daily. Now the challenge becomes finding the time. I did miss the food drive at the Fork in the Road yesterday, but then when I went to my meeting the company had a big barrel in the lobby for their food drive. I almost thought it was a trash can and was going to stash my gum there but ended up having to swallow it. I saw on the news at the gym that they are taking down the wall street protest sites, someone was shot, unsanitary etc. It was amazing how many people converged to protest some not well defined sense of injustice. Now if only that could be channeled. But watching the news coverage, I was struck with how some of the residents looked like seasoned street dwellers, perhaps this was an opportunity for a warmer fire, even some free food and companionship. For them, they went from being outcast to being at the center of things, and able to pitch their tent in public places without harassment. Even in Japan where you don't here much about poverty and homelessness, I encountered a large tent city along a river with a soup kitchen set up that was ladeling out porridge. Some of the stories you read just break your heart, folks who just fell behind, got in too deep. I do plan to do something new this year, which is volunteer to help with the Union Station meals. It would be great if we could do it as a family on Thanksgiving day, but that just sounds too difficult, but maybe Christmas day is something to shoot for. Have put signing up on my to do list for tomorrow, so it will get done.

Becoming my Grandmother

The other day it struck me that I was doing here was becoming more like my grandmother.  I don't mean speaking in a German accent or spending my spare hours compiling a family history.  But she was always someone without a negative word (hardly ever) for anyone, and a smile on her face and a tut tut at the concerns.  The thing is I'm really not like her, and never thought I could ever be.  I have the hard shell of a city dweller, the edge of intellect that colors how I see and communicate perhaps more than natural grace and warmth.  But I had noticed in the past few days how my reactions and comments were starting to sound a bit like her.  I know it's a good thing, she believed in G_d for sure, escaped the Holocaust, was for the most part happy with how life turned out, and if she was disappointed in my grandfather or discouraged with stuff, she never showed it.    I wouldn't say my transformation is complete, which was brought home when for the third week in a row I decide to light shabbat candles and of course not having any, tea light it is again.  Not to mention that sunset was apparently 4:32 pm, so I was about an hour late and here I am writing while the candles burn.  I would say that I am maybe 10% changed or changing, which may be as far as it goes.  But I could do all right following in her footsteps in other ways.  She was not a great cook, but loved to have virtual strangers over for dinner, young students appreciating a hot meal, the painter, whomever.  She didn't wait for the world to make her life full of friendship, she took the initiative and visited those who were older or sicker even when she was getting pretty old herself.   After my grandfather died, leaving her on her own, there were so many neighbors looking in on her, leaving her the newspaper or a basket of lemons and it was this cordial exchange that led one of them to become suspicious when she didn't come to the door.  She had had a stroke and couldn't move to call for help.  All the goodness she put out there came back, and I felt blessed on my not nearly frequent enough visits to help her with the simple things like taking a shower or eating, all the indignities that she bore with her usual grace and good cheer.  She started to add a small glass of beer to her nightly routine, she had read somewhere that it was good for something, and that it was.  I know she would appreciate what I am trying to do here, she always made me feel like I was a good person even when I wasn't so sure myself.

Business 101

I headed off to a all day business conference today.  I often approach these events with a mix of dread and anticipation, and can find myself scrambling to feel comfortable at networking breaks, so much so that I often would head off to meeting rooms early just to have a place to be.  I decided to approach this meeting with a sort of eye to applying what I have learned on the mitzvah journey, this not stressing small things including parking at the hotel as opposed to searching out the cheaper parking across the street, and kind of letting things happen in an organic way rather than pushing to meet a particular person or maximize the efficiency of my time.  The most important thing I did (or I should say tried to do) was to keep my negative comments about people or the event to a minimum.  The interesting thing is I think we all carry around this baggage that we think other folks will find out about and to somehow preempt that we share information they have no need to know.   Upon arriving I immediately ran into someone I know.  It just so happens this person runs an incubator program for which I recently volunteered to give a marketing talk, so it was a very friendly conversation and I joined her group for breakfast instead of sitting by myself and trying to look confident which I have done many times.  The day progressed in this sort of way, all the networking and offers of help that I have put out there in the past few months, translated to nice conversations and greetings.  I was busy chatting with no effort at every break and the questions I asked in sessions, got good responses, as they weren't about making me look smart but achieving true understanding.  The power of what you don't say came home in a few conversations, where by not saying anything about a mutual acquaintance I learned all sort of things of use.  Of course, I know listening to gossip is also a "sin",  so I still have plenty to work on.  This really came home when I stepped out to use the restrooms during the lunchtime plenary and a woman I know started to complain bitterly about the speaker.  I started to engage, somehow when someone is criticizing I am trained to jump on the bandwagon to show my support, but then I pulled back.  I realized how negative she sounded and how most folks prefer not to hang out with negative people.  The rest of the day just went smoothly, the less I said, the more I learned.  The art of power listening, could be a business self-help book in there.  I just wished I learned it years ago.  So all in all a good day, may not have gotten work from it, but I cemented some relationships and made some new acquaintances and it felt like I was building a real network, not just names to go in the outlook file.   Each and every day, we have the opportunity to approach our interactions from a positive perspective.  It is a choice.    Perhaps like changing my diet, or exercising regularly, all things I have done, I can wean myself off the negative talk, not just to others but to myself as well.  That would be amazing.

Compliments and Connections

I just filled up a page with the minutia of my day when I realized I did have a new topic and it's a good one, SEX. According to Jewish Virtual Library, (http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Judaism/sex.html) sex in the context of marriage is a mitzvah. This on top of Dr. Oz saying in the Sunday Times that a key to a healthy life is sex three times a week. No wonder his wife looks so happy in the photo. Can't you just hear it? "Come on Honey! It's Healthy." Now here is the really great part about sex as Mitzvah, "Sex is the woman's right, not the man's. A man has a duty to give his wife sex regularly and to ensure that sex is pleasurable for her. He is also obligated to watch for signs that his wife wants sex, and to offer it to her without her asking for it. The woman's right to sexual intercourse is referred to as onah, and is one of a wife's three basic rights (the others are food and clothing), which a husband may not reduce. "
So if I run out of ideas for charity and kindness, well there is always the hey, hey there big boy route to a daily mitzvah, or at least weekly. Something to think about it. I think I'll be sending the weblink on this to my hubby. Now on to the minutia of my day.




Today was the day for answering the phone when the charity I had expressed interest in, called back. I had a brief moment of wanting to let it go to voice mail and I am not sure why. My surge in volunteering had something to do with free time which is less right now. But still I was happy to hear that the executive director would like to meet, a good first step. I wrote the condolence note that was on my to do list before I headed out to the gym, got an easy parking space and found myself standing next to a woman whose salsa movement is always inspiring to me, so I told her. It turned out she is new to the area, so was also able to tell her something about the local salsa studios. Glad to be of help! Then I chatted with the woman who I gave my raffle tickets to last week, turns out she won a free massage. Good for her! She is so quiet, I think I scare her a bit, but steady friendliness seems to be working. I woke up sneezing and feeling tired, but after the dance class I felt good as new. I spent the rest of the day working on my own in the quiet. I'm off to Sisterhood tonight, am sure there will be opportunities for mitzvah there. There are always volunteer sheets going round the room. At least when the donation box comes around, I will view it as an honor to contribute, not a burden. And I will try try try, not to be catty about my fellow members. It is about as easy as not eating the delicious cookies and cakes that are out there for snacks, but I can try. So not too inspiring a day, but it felt good, and I made a good dinner so there will be something hot on the stove for hubby.

Shabbat Shalom

It is a rainy, cold day. The first one to feel like fall. Cold enough to keep me from walking during a a brief hour of sunshine. I haven't done anything special today, at least not that I think of as a true mitzvah. I have another condolence note to write but don't feel like it. And I just remembered that I am still out of shabbat candles so tea candles it will be again. I did offer to give a talk on LaShon Hara for our monthly women's Rosh Hodesh group, haven't heard back on that.

I did a little searching hoping to find inspiration. I did find this from an Interfaith website: jewish Spirituality Guide.

"One way Jews have classified the commandments is by breaking them down into two groups: mitzvot bein adam l'makom, commandments governing the relationship between the person and God, and mitzvot bein adam l'havero, commandments governing the relationship between human beings. Ritual actions like prayer, affixing a mezuzah to the doorpost and keeping kosher are all examples of the mitzvot between the individual and God. Donating to charity, providing for the needs of a wedding and comforting mourners are examples of mitzvot between people. Both kinds of mitzvot can be opportunities for spiritual experience.

The concept of beautifying a commandment, hiddur mitzvah, elevates every mitzvah to another level. If you are making blessings on Shabbat and you use a beautiful Kiddush cup or a challah cover that your children made in preschool, you know what I mean. It's a special thing, to feel connected to one another through ritual objects when we act out these rituals that are between us and God."

So as the sun sets on the mountains, and it is just me, alone in my home and nest. I will say a silent thank-you to G_d for the pink clouds on the horizon and the red roses splayed in a vase on my dining room table and for the every day miracle of being here, all the imperfection surrounded by beauty.

Yes We Have Bananas!

I was running some quick errands today, and was pressed for time. I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and hopped out of the car and headed for the bank for my first stop, on the way there a woman stood along side the parking area and asked in a quiet voice for money. I am not exactly sure what she said, but was pretty sure she was asking for money and she might even have provided some explanation, like money for food or bus fare but I couldn't make it out. I normally breeze by folks asking for a handout, with my lips pursed and my face tense. I don't want to see them, but I always feel bad walking past. This time I looked into her face. She was hurting, whether from drugs, lack of sleep, hunger, I don't know but it was if we were standing in 120 degree heat in the middle of the desert and we had been without food and water for days, that's what she looked like. I told her no, and walked on. I knew I had zero cash because that is why I was going to the bank, but I thought about and looked in my coin purse and I did have several dollars in quarters. So I contemplated passing on a few dollars to this woman and remembered what someone else had recently told me, that they never give money but they will buy food.
Sure enough she was waiting for me in the store parking lot even though I took a different entrance back. She asked again, once again unintelligible and yet clear, and I told her I would bring her some apples from the store. All of a sudden she perked up, and said, "Could I have bananas?" This made me laugh, apparently beggars can be choosers. But sure I said, I'll bring you bananas. She was still waiting a half an hour later when I walked to my car with the groceries. I handed her the bunch of bananas. She said thanks, but then asked if I had a bag! Nope, I didn't but as I drove away, I saw her placing the bananas in a small plastic bag, not sure where it came from. I hope she ate the bananas, or her kids ate them, but even if she then traded them for change somewhere further down the road, my conscious felt lighter than usual.

I was raised in Berkeley, home of the professional pan-handler. So I learned at a young age, to just keep walking. But in these tough times, who really knows what someone else is going through to put a meal on the table. I am fortunate and grateful to not have to worry about that.

Fast and Furious

I am impatient by biology, quick in my thinking and perhaps too quick in my judgements at times. So it was interesting to read that interrupting is a "sin". Now I don't think it is a sin on the level of bodily harm, stealing or even lying but there it is, a behavior that a person who is in touch with the talmudic imperative isn't supposed to do. So in a large group of people last night, I kept that in mind. Just because I have a strong personality and can insert myself in situations doesn't mean it is okay to do so. On top of keeping the gossip to a minimum and believe me there were choice opportunities where any comment, even the most neutral seems to add a bit of fire to the flame, there was the choice to be aware of my own speech, not jumping in as I have the habit to do. I can see this is another one of those habit changes that is going to be really tough. All those years of jumping up and down in my classroom desk, hoping to be called on. Living in a household of "talkers", working to get my own opinions heard, somewhere I compensated too much. Not that I need to be meek, just wait for the opening. Follow the flow of the current in the river of conversation, an analogy from the water slide episode of the Biggest Loser last night. I find that all my pent up need to talk about folks is now expressed by talking back to the TV.

Sitting Shiva

It was the funeral for friends' father this afternoon. I knew I couldn't make it but there was going to be an evening shiva so I just decided that would be fine. But somehow after getting back to the office, and working for a bit, I just had this feeling, shouldn't I be there. It felt like about the time they would be back from the funeral, so I hopped in the car, made a stop for cookies and got over there as folks were still parking. One of the reasons we bring cookies or other food is that it is the obligation of the community to feed the mourners during this time. I remember when I mother-in-law passed away and we were living in New York and my office sent this enormous fruit basket, and it turned out that was the correct thing to do, only I didn't know it having had limited experience with this sort of thing.

When I walked in the door I knew I had made the right decision. Just to hug each of the sisters, talk to the kids, and hang out with good friends for a few hours. But a funny thing happened, before I got there another friend had told a few people that I wasn't a happy camper on Halloween. And just when I thought I had done fine, been a good sport, a gracious candy giver. But perhaps my joking complaining when they stopped by, cocktails in hand was misread as not really being in the spirit, perhaps a Halloween curmudgeon, always a Halloween curmudgeon. But it took me by surprise and it embarrassed me. Is this the reputation I want? I need to think about what I say about myself. Not sure how that is covered in Jewish commandments, more research is needed.

I then reached out when this friend mentioned going for a walk and offered to walk with her. And we had a lovely walk. We are imperfection in all we do, but we can strive for better in everything.