Contentment with One's Lot

Recently I met a friend for a cup of tea and a book discussion.  Because the book was focused on a person who had dedicated his life to bringing medical care to those who had none, we ended up discussion our own paths in terms of giving to the community.  My friend found my transformation from blogger about annoying things to blogger about mitzvot, an amazing story.  Except in reality I haven't transformed, I am still the same person.  Just as eating "healthy"  hasn't changed my cookie monster cravings, I still want to complain, to criticize, to vent but instead work hard at the psychological equivalent of replacing french fries with carrots.   So when I found myself living far outside the land of good heart yesterday, instead seething with anger and resentment I spun my wheels for a while.  It wasn't until this morning, with a good walk behind me, that I turned to the list of 48 middot to figure out which one could be my antidote.  There are many that fit and would work, but I chose  Contentment with One's Lot  
as the my guidepost.  
This commentary says," A person should not be dissatisfied if he or she cannot live up to one’s ambitions or the standards of others with greater ability, one should do one’s best and constantly review until the learning is mastered. In the end the individual will succeed and even excel (The Pirkei Avos Treasury p. 418)." 

Yesterday what set me off, besides having time on my hands when a work project pushed out indefinitely, was a conference call with an industry group I am involved with.  We were talking out speakers for an upcoming event, and one of our committee members suggested another consultant, she went on a bit about this persons corporate experience etc.  I know, like and respect the recommended speaker but I do very similar work, and I think am equally qualified, although I could see that I haven't been putting myself forward in a way to communicate this.  So when the group was struggling to come up with a second speaker, I put myself out there and the same woman shot me down, although not in a personal way.   I was left feeling as if all my experience was for naught, that I had sidelined my career many years ago and would never have a position of power again.  A week ago, I was completely happy with this.  Even the day before, I was marveling how I get to choose how I spend my time, learn about diseases that are really important, go for a walk in the middle of the day and still get paid.  But here I was depressed, seething and frustrated that I was a "nobody."  In reading the above quote, I realized that I had gotten so wrapped up in myself, I had forgotten all the stuff I did to get back on track.  Learning, networking, reaching out.  Instead of focusing on what I couldn't do, or what wouldn't happen, I needed to just do.  All of a sudden I remembered a correspondence from a few weeks ago from a technology transfer director, a group who needed the kind of help I could provide.  Sure enough when I checked the inbox, they had gotten back to me late yesterday to set up a lunch meeting.  It was there all along, the opportunity to help, to learn, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself that I had disengaged.

Questions to consider from this middot .....are you satisfied with what you have? YES!  I have everything I need.  To much even.  I might worry about money from time to time, but I know we are more than fine.  Would you like more or less?  I don't want more so much as to have less concern for the future.  Most of my striving is not so much about the money, or the benefits, or the travel.  It is pure ego.  In many ways that same ego is what has driven me to the successes I have.  Just when I thought I had gotten to the point in life where a title didn't matter, VP of this or that at a name company,  I feel completely dissed when I am not an A-lister in my field because I don't have this.  I imagine for about 10 seconds that I would be happier in my power suit in my power office, then I remember all the headaches that come with it.  If that sort of transition is meant to be, it will happen? Or is that just wishful, passive thinking.  To lazy or fearful, to actually try to make it happen?  What drives or motivates you to either acquire or deny yourself material possessions? This is a good question, because I probably spend more time denying myself then indulging.  Last week I was all set to run out and buy new sandals and shorts for summer but I was too busy.  Now I have the time, I look at the pair of 5 year old sandals and shorts I already have, and think these are fine.  Sometimes this denial feels right, and other times absurd, like when I am envious of some one's outfit.  
Would you be happier or more satisfied if your portion in life were bigger or smaller?  I really don't know.  It could be a little bigger, I am not sure I can't be just as happy where I am.  Actually I am sure, I can be just as happy if I can shift my focus more to my positive interactions and away from stuff.  So that is my goal for this week, to do as much, learn as much as I can and continue to ask myself these questions each day.   My homework is to do my best and be happy and satisfied knowing I have done my best.