The Decider

One of the more hilarious moments of the Bush Jr.  presidency, was when he pronounced, "I am the decider and I decide what is best."  Each of us has many moments each day when we are "the decider."  Whether it be the myriad parenting decisions to be made, or on the job tough decisions, I have always thought that good decision making was a key quality for success in this world.  Certainly CEOs in our country, and that includes our President are supposedly paid the big bucks primarily for that elusive decision making capability that us mere mortals may  not have.   Whether it be pull the trigger, or load on the debt, tough decisions require mental toughness and rigor.
In my own small world, I can be completely derailed by small decisions from hotel selection on a trip to finding the right gift for someone.  Even though these decisions are small, they do impact others.  I still cringe at the memory of the totally cheap and inappropriate gifts I bought my staff years ago, for which I received a beautiful piece of lead crystal in return.  It wasn't that I hadn't given my gifts thought.  I had thought they were fun and personal, but I knew the minute they were opened that I had gotten this office ritual (my first time) completely wrong. 

Decision making was on my mind yesterday because of a number of events.  The first a woman I met at a networking event, and whom I have sent a few encouraging emails to, asked if I she could use me in her grant application as an advisor.   This doesn't mean she is going to sign me up as an advisor if she gets the grant, it is just something to pad the application and make her look connected to outside resources.  I have lent my name to some applications in the past, but only when I already had a working relationship with the company.  The request seemed inappropriate to me but I also knew that she was naive about the business worlds, and doing her best.  The second was a conversation from a few days before about my being next in line to be Sisterhood President.  It was an informal understanding that I would step into the VP role and then voila, except now I am not so sure.  I am struggling with being in limbo, keeping up an appearance that may be false, even though I know that the world will move on regardless of what I decide.  Then the final item was I had the opportunity to read one of my daughter's final papers.  It was already submitted, but the natural editor in me, saw a few things that should have been corrected.  What to do with this knowledge?

This weeks middot, Eino Samayach BeHora'ah", translates as ""Not delighting in rendering decisions". " and text it derives from is, "  "One who is too self-confident in handing down legal decisions is a fool, wicked and arrogant of spirit." (Avot 4:7)"  This text could be broadened to those conversations where we are so sure we are right, that we lose track of the intention or spirit of our conversation, in the end, right or not, we look like the loser, ungracious and unsympathetic.  According to Rabbi Joshua ben Perahyah we should, "Judge everyone with the scale weighted in his favor."

I spent time trying to think of the point of view of the networking contact.  I knew she really didn't know any better, but in the end I wasn't comfortable being represented as something I wasn't.  I decided by telling her, "I didn't think it was appropriate."   I had thought about going into a big explanation such as if we had a consulting relationship, or a step further suggesting that I wasn't the right advisor for her company.  But in the end I just kept it simple, because I realized this wasn't about me.  I am probably one of many people she reached out to, and now she is free to move forward with someone else.  She got back to me quickly to let me know this was fine, and hopefully it was.

As for the Sisterhood Presidency, it is hard to see how to decide something that is not up for decision for another year.   But I think I need to be honest with myself about what I want, and perhaps start letting a small circle of folks in on this.   Initially my ego was running the show, so flattered to be asked, and any doubts I expressed were responded with much wanted flattery, such as you would be great etc.  How can I turn down a job I would be great at?  And perhaps I am just rushing things, and will be more motivated when the time comes.   The decision here is to start thinking and talking informally about it, but not in a negative way.

The third decision, I struggled with my smart-ass self, and realized that none of us really wants to see small mistakes after the fact.  The person who rushes to point out a typo on a slide in a meeting is no ones favorite.  So instead we had a lively and wonderful conversation around the topic and what she learned.  I was very impressed with what she has learned and her passion for it, even if some definitional and language mistakes were made.  Hoping her Professor sees it the same way.

These decisions were small, but I have been a part of much bigger decisions.  Decisions to fire people, or eliminate departments and I have sometimes confused sympathy with acting honorably.  Sometimes I miss being "the decider", with my leadership being relegated to volunteer work and travel planning.  I don't miss the sleepless nights that come with it but I do miss that feeling of being able to see through the fog and create a path forward for others to follow.

I think this middot is very closely related to "judging others favorably."  Because if we judge others favorably, we will be in the frame of mind to make a decision that is not so bound in legal correctness but takes into account the humanity of the situation.