Middot are confusing. They suggest an attitude, almost a personality type. Acceptance of suffering, an understanding of the heart, a perceptive heart. But is hard to create personality change, although certainly many have tried, usually not for themselves but for their children or spouse. But what got me started here was something very different. As simply stated, getting better at doing good. Not turning into a saint, the warmest, friendliest, most wonderful person in the world. Just practicing mitzvot, making a habit of following some of the commandments. It was so simple that even in the worst mood, most depressed state of mind, I could do a few things, write a note or a check and then be less focused on myself, get out of my own head and all my worries, and have a pleasant moment or two. And that worked. Completely. So I am putting the middot on hold, it is great to aspire to more, but somehow with my work future once again in turmoil, my motivation to spend more time on temple volunteer stuff waning, and the desire to break all the rules, gossip like a fiend, turn my back on the hungry across the planet, whatever, that desire is on the rise, it is time to take a different sort of action.
So it is back to mitzvot, after I am done here, I will fill out the high holiday greeting form and enclose my check. Write the temple dues check without complaining and just take a few actions, positive actions in the moment to move forward. I got necklaces restrung that my mother in-law of blessed memory, made for me and in this way I honor her memory and that I honor my husband who loved me deeply. It is just a different point of view. Maybe I'm not ready for the big step of personal transformation. Got ahead of myself by teaching a class with the Rabbi. I am no expert.
Meanwhile in the throes of no work, I volunteered to speak at an industry event, was rebuffed and then was asked, then agreed, then was told by one person it's definite, and by the organizer only if they can't get someone more prestigious, not his exact words bu the gist of it. But not being a last minute person, I have now spent some time, getting this talk on paper and am now on version three. It is supposed be a talk on how I got to where I am, well not exactly to where I am with no work. But where I was before that, back when I was President of a three person company, or Vice President at a 2,000 person company, back then. In today's version I decided that what really mattered were the pivot points, the places where I veered on to another track, and the common element was 80% parenting and 20% ego. The ego part may even be more. Perhaps if I had been more patient with Pfizer I could have had 6 months maternity leave and an interesting job at the end. I will never know. What was the start-up? 80% ego I suppose, 20% parenting in that I wouldn't have to move. The ego part wanted to do something bigger or better than where I was, wanted to get back to first tier. Didn't exactly work out that way. I have always had a hard time seeing the long game, or perhaps I have always seen it so clearly that I had to act even though I might not have seen it correctly. This is not really a mitzvah concept, more of a middot thing, but there is one mitzvah that is relevant, not to panic and retreat during battle. Because that's what it was in both situations, very different, but things were getting heated and controversial. I was the kind of kid who never wanted to engage in arguments, I would just storm out of the room and slammed the door. Some of my job changes were like that. I can't change what I have done, but I can find ways to stick out what seems uncomfortable. I am going to think about that, and I think a version 4 of my talk is just around the corner.
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