This week I did not feel at peace with the universe. I was struggling with a new phone, and juggling multiple priorities. Still when situations presented themselves, I tried to do and say the right thing. There was nominating committee for Sisterhood for which I still have to make phone calls. It was an opportunity to discuss people without bringing negativity into it; not an easy task but all in all we did a good job. I also agreed to host a parlor meeting at our house to discuss temple finances, somehow being drawn in deeper and deeper into being a person at the center of the temple. This is something I struggle with. I appreciate that the phone rings in new ways, whether it be someone offering a ride to a meeting or asking if I can fill in at Mah Jong. I spent a few days envisioning my big moment as a "woman who makes a difference", being a gracious and warm person. I appreciated the notes and tributes received. But when I was there, I backpedaled into a bit of resentment that the person who wrote my bio didn't take the time to find out or include my husband, or children or my career. It was just a list (albeit) thoughtful of my temple contributions. Things that I previously corrected never got changed such as how many years I have been a sisterhood member (many! vs two). At the heart of these feelings is that old passive aggressive, competitive person not a person who finds the joy in what is there, that the Rabbi came, that there were so many women from our sisterhood there, that I had my husband by my side. I tried to not let it show, and wrote thank-you notes to everybody and anybody to counter-act the negative feelings. I had daydreamed a more emotional and dramatic moment, and it was bit of a comedy of errors, the certificates going to the wrong people, the speeches either flubber or diverged from in a too much information way. But in the end it was a lovely room filled with interesting, motivated and accomplished Jewish women and that was a thing of beauty. Finding the good and the beautiful in a situation, that is a mitzvah. And yes it was first and foremost a fundraiser for the Federation and yes we made a nice donation. Not a huge donation, not a tiny one, but a nice one, which is more than we normally do. That to me is a mitzvah, to do more than I normally do, to step beyond and out of my comfort zone. The Rabbi and I are on for the mitzvah class in May, so that should be interesting and a good way to keep myself going.
For the big event, I put on a beautiful Jewish star (Mogen David) my husband gave me when I did the bnai mitzvah. I wore a star regularly for a while in high school and college but haven't for years. It is not a mitzvah, as a commandment to advertise yourself as a Jew, but I think if you look at it broadly (walk in the ways of Hashem) it is a good thing to be at peace with yourself as a Jew, or to remind yourself of your relationship with God and the wearing of the star does that. According to one source, the symbol carries spiritual meaning with the triangle pointing to heaven signifying our relationship with God and a triangle pointing down to keep us grounded in reality.
So I had this thought that maybe it was good luck and when we made a quick stop at the house to grab an overnight bag before we headed out, I changed out of my new dress into jeans and t-shirt and kept the star on. Goodness knows we were going to need all the luck we could get. We were driving up to my daughter's school to take her to surgery the next day. Years of knee damage culminating in a new set of injuries had come to a head, gymnastics, cheerleading, running, a chapter of a person is over.
I had had thoughts of whether this was really necessary but after the surgery, when we saw the photos and walked through the damage, both my husband and I felt so sad. All those years of pushing her to work past the pain, we had been told by her prior doctor that she couldn't hurt herself, and yet she did. Bad coaching, bad medicine and bad parenting, plenty of guilt to go around. So a few days of embracing her care, of being sympathetic and loving because that is what we are here to do, and feeling good about it. So that is the realization part, that despite all of our dreams for recognition and happiness for our children, or perhaps because of those dreams we encourage or discourage certain activities, we carry a mental movie of them on the award stand, or surrounded by loving friends or boyfriend, achieving their success. And then reality intrudes...or sometimes there is a bit of that film reel that starts to come true and then our wishes and dreams go sky high until they are kicked back to earth. Our dreams for their happiness, their recognition a displacement of our own dreams that we have long since relegated to oblivion. So on one hand how nice to get our own recognition and also how nice to support them just as they are, to find a nice turn in the road where they least expect it and to just let go of all the control so they can drive that car.
One last divergence, knowing that my daughter is hyper aware of how the world perceives her and is the type of person who does keep count, I have been wondering if she was getting the attention she needs, the FB posts, the texts or whatever. There haven't been any visitors as yet. And then the complaining did start, the details not necessary, and I just shut it down and I tried to be nice about it, but perhaps not nice enough. My traditional strategy, to come up with a rationale explanation why the errant person has not done what it is expected that they should do, maybe they are busy getting ready for finals, preparing for a flight out of town etc. But none of that really takes away the basic issue, seeing the world as a glass half-full and the minute we get one thing done, we start worrying about the next. I get it, I am alot like that myself, but I don't play that game (or I try not to) anymore. So I said it straight, not interesting in having a negative conversation about people or the future. And now a few minutes later things are better, a nice text came to her from a friend, and the world is all right.
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