Last week, sitting here and thinking through the weeks challenges I was able to come to an insight and we drove up to be there for our daughter as she went for her MRI and help get her back on track. Now sadly, the results are in and she will be needing knee surgery. I was so totally in denial partly because I was praying so diligently. Shouldn't God see my sincerity? I know what I do isn't a guarantee and it is just the minimum and perhaps I was beginning to expect a return on my efforts which of course if the most arrogant behavior as all. Pretty soon someone is going to make me up a t-shirt, a monkey with tape across his mouth, speak no evil. Who do I think I am anyway? So of course it was put to the test.
There was a presentation to sisterhood by the temple president requesting a large sum of money (to us at least it was) to throw a party for our members to celebrate our 90th anniversary. This just seemed in poor form since currently the temple has an operating deficit of $250 thousand and a much smaller amount of money was approved, certainly not enough to do what they want but enough to have an inclusive, non-fund raising event. I was offended in a way by the presentation and was not the only one, and yet I tried to hold my thoughts in check and focus on outcomes. But when it came down to it, I made the motion. Why did I do that? Getting a bit full of myself, woman who makes a difference and all that. I know the discussion was not in the right spirit and our sisterhood president really struggled in how to present the vote to the temple president. I thought he would not be upset but I was completely wrong. I went to the Megillah reading last night. What does the story of Esther seem to show? That our enemies will be silenced and the means are often the same as what they would have used on us. That beauty is valued and can be traded on. I am not sure about it, there was a lot of impaling and listing of dead people at the end. The whole time I am sitting there and thinking how angry my friend, the temple president is sitting in the back of the room and I am dreading seeing him.
But somehow, perhaps emboldened by a few whiskey shots and a Mordechai mixed drink I faced the subject and dug deep to explain the sisterhood perspective. His wife understood and had a positive idea for opening a dialogue and getting to some sort of compromise. It was clear he had thought they had done the ground work, but they had talked to the wrong people, none of whom were sisterhood officers. That we got this request out of the blue for the rest of us, that it was clear the event was already planned, that our help and suggestions were not needed and that they just wanted the big check to make everyone happy. I think some of that got through. Still I know it was better to have had the conversation than avoid a friend for weeks, hoping it blows over. Still an odd way to spend Purim and I compensated by hitting the snack table with a vengeance.
But back to mitzvot. A clear mitzvah is to be joyous for Jewish Festivals, and so I yelled, booed and cheered my way through the megillah reading. I tried to be cheerful and smiling to everyone afterwards, tried not to share my angst about my daughter too much (but more than I should have). It is times like this I am not sure I know who I am, that my authenticity is slipping away. So I came home and faced today without the joy of a true festival feeling. When things get ugly at a place that is supposed to be our spiritual haven, our retreat, I just want to pull out. But having and supporting a place of worship is a core belief. So there has to be another way. Working towards a positive solution, that is the opportunity we missed.
It is not the reactive way, it is the thoughtful path that will progress our humanity and understanding.
Other mitzvot this week:
Volunteered at dental clinic all afternoon yesterday. It is sad to see kids who have no basic dental care, so there they are at the age of 10 or 12, with 14 cavities and a root canal. It is hard to believe they didn't have some pain, of course perhaps that may explain why they endure the hours of dental care they receive. Now if only we could figure out a way to create a better prophylactic care first.
Wrote a check for women at work, now I need to go for a walk and mail it.
Things I am grateful for:
The beautiful weather and sky and trees
The love of my husband
The strength of my daughter and son, their growing maturity
The health of my parents
The ability to make a living, have a nice life.
My health!
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