Bikkur Holim

I am struggling this week with the right behavior towards my daughter who is injured and away from home. This is not the first time I have been in this situation and it has effected the quality of my response. I know that there is an answer in the Torah and Rabbinic teachings, but am not sure I am going to like it. My first stop in researching this, is Bikkur Cholim, the visiting of the sick which either stems from the commandment walk in the ways of God or from Love thy neighbor as yourself. Either way these commandments are more focused on being there for friends, neighbors and even strangers, to take on a mitzvah that creates healing. A few years back I signed up for our Bikkur Cholim commitee, and it was a challenge to visit the sick. We were not allowed to visit in the hospital, and we had to call first to make an appointment. My calls did not go well. In one case, when I called the husband was on his death bed, and I ended up helping out at the shiva instead of visiting the sick. This was my first experience helping at a shiva so that turned into a mitzvah and a path to helping in other ways. But at the time I was embarrassed and devastated. I had felt like I intruded on the privacy of a couple at a most difficult time.
I then had a few folks that were shocked to find they were on a list, and although they had health issues they had no desire to be visited by a stranger and let me know in no uncertain turns. That just seemed to be the way it went. I had a vision in signing up and training etc that I would find a sweet lady like my own oma who was now somewhat senile or not able to get around and I would visit her and make small talk. It just didn't work out. I am not the most comfortable person around strangers or awkward situations and my discomfort got the better of me and I dropped out. Still I help out where I can, dropping things off, the shivas etc, but I know I can do more, so much more. Seems like every day I hear about someone in my social network who has a major health issue, but because we are friends I hesitate about what to do. I think would I want to hear from someone I didn't know. I write notes on behalf of sisterhood to the sick and injured and I know it is appreciated but translating that to my own life, is difficult.

Ok, so I just wrote two notes. Not as good as a phone call but it is a step, perhaps next time I hear about someone struggling, I will be the person who picks up the phone. But back to my own problem. If you live close to someone it is clear, you should rush to a relatives side to be supportive and helpful. But here are a few things I learned that do apply:

1) If one is not able to do a personal visit, one can fulfill the mitzvah with a phone call.

2) Approach the sick person in a positive mood. Do not display any moods of sadness or melancholy, as this could affect the welfare of the patient.

3) Do not bring bad tidings to a sick person.

4) Three ways one can help: with one’s body (beguf), with one’s soul (benefesh) and with one’s money (bemamon).

I can't be there physically to give her rides to the doctor or go grocery shopping, but I can expand my prayer, blessing her for a speedy recovery at the end of every call. As for money, not worrying about it would be a start. My first thought when she called about the injury was that I was out the money I had spent on basketball tickets to watch her cheer, and then of course the flight to Hawaii for spring break. Sharing my own concerns and worries is not the righteous path. Also on some level, I judge her in a negative way, I try not to, but it is there in response to all the drama and tears. So I have to get past that. It is my job to call to end the call with a prayer for a speedy recovery and to offer to do things that will help. We are already paying for a parking pass, MRI, I am always good there but it is the other stuff that I let get in the way. And maybe Saturday we can drive up there (the Saturday driving part needs to be ignored here) and help out with shopping etc. Actually I could drive up there on Friday, I just have to abandon tennis, which I am okay with.

That definitely feels right. I am going to see if I can make that happen. I really haven't been trying hard enough. I can do better.