10/3/2011 Monday Shopping

I was having too much fun this weekend to feel like I was "doing good", so even when I was it was just a natural part of the day although am now seeing that there are myriad choices each day that I make, to be tough or resistant, to be critical or negative or just choose to be accepting, to let cars cut in or watch my husband drive the slow way to dinner or my son be late to dinner. Because by being more generous with my spirit, I relax and it is better for me. But I have the deeply ingrained habits of the overlooked middle child, not the beautiful first born or the brilliant only son, I have learned over the years to fend for myself and the results are not always pretty. So when someone gives me a nasty look when my grocery cart is in the way or something equally petty, it is hard for me not to go into my fighter don't mess we mode. So one realization is that living a life infusewith acts of kindness is sometimes more about what you don't do and say, not just the positive actions we take. So it is easy for me to recognize a bad habit I have of bonding with folks over funny stories about myself, but also when I run short of material pretty much anybody in my sphere is game. When sworn to secrecy, I keep a promise, but anything else that happens in life is fair game. And talking about others foibles is an easy laugh. But is it fair? If I stopped telling on others, or sharing my observations what would I talk about? The even bigger challenge is to stop making the negative observations. Who am I to set judgement on the denizens of plant earth? Unless you are starring in a reality show in which case, you are fair game. But for my friends and acquaintances, my indulgence in clever conversation may not be viewed as creative after all. Something to work on, that and my net game.

On a more tangible front, I bought groceries to donate to the Foothill Unity Center as part of our temples annual high holiday food drive. It is a mitzvot to give food to those in need but even so it did not fill be with joy to put stuff in my grocery cart (prepared foods) that I don't buy for my own family and to face a higher grocery bill at the cashier when I work so hard to keep these bills down. So as I went through the aisles looking for the requested items I tried to remind myself how important and nice it will be for a family to have a Thanksgiving meal where-ever they are that feels "normal." Still I was not really happy. It was not until I go to checkout and realized the added items weren't too much that I felt relieved. And packing up the donation bag I felt I had fullfilled this mitzvah in a more through manner than in the past, where I often just went through my cabinets and pulled out the appropriate cans. There is a difference between fullfilled and fullfillment. I can have met the obligation of the commandment (fullfilled) but if I don't derive a sense of pride or happiness, if I don't readily give of my self and my pocketbook (fullfillment), is it less of a mitzvot? Probably not for the family that gets the food. So add generosity of spirit to my list of things to work on. I don't think mitzvot means grand gestures like the Donald Sterling never ending prizes for whatever, throwing money too good causes as if it was a race. The money hopefully does good things, but that doesn't mean the person is good.