Musar Madness

It seems like a long time since I added a posting, and I missed it. My life slipped back in to its old rhythms, my heard started to harden. So many decisions that felt uncomfortable, one leading to a small group clearing the air meeting with the Rabbi last night. A temple is a building, but it is also a community of people who come together with various opinions and personalities and sometimes they just don't see eye to eye. Just because we are all Jews doesn't mean we can't agree to disagree. My increased involvement has also brought me into contact with some personalities, well it remains better left unsaid. Being on the nominating committee for Sisterhood have gotten more than an earful from several folks on why they choose to not participate. I try to not pass this information on, but it is really hard. So some days it feels more than a little bit disingenuous, on the surface working hard to project, graciousness, warmth and openness but on the inside still a cynical, anti-social person. Because volunteering is the right thing to do, agreed to host a parlor meeting to discuss the declining temple finances only to find out the whole thing is just a set-up to get folks (starting with me) to write checks. My immediate reaction is not one of charity, so will have to keep you posted on that. The meeting is not until next week and would like to think about this in the way I would think about any other contribution. Will the money be spent wisely? Will it go to good uses? Why is there not enough? One concern I have about an additional check is that we will continue to operate beyond our resources, and this will just be a short term fix, and instead of a Yom Kippur Appeal, we will have a bi-annual appeal. So you can see that my rationale, frugal self is back with a vengeance. On the other hand, trying to be generous when asked, when appropriate, checks for Women at Work, Planned Parenthood, and the local hospital guild event.
The main mitzvot of the past week have been tied up with Passover. Cooking two dinners, doing two seders, embracing being with family, opening our hearts and our home. I tried to read the parts we don't always read, and there were some insightful places, thinking about the gratitude we feel for the freedom to eat a meal in a beautiful home without fear or persecution. This is a true blessing. Even our passover standards like Dayenu, took on a meeting. That we have enough, our lives are enough, and we need to spend more time feeling thankful and appreciative of what we have.
Coming up in a few weeks will be "co-teaching" the class with the Rabbi about daily mitzvah, 4 steps to a better life. Teaching about mitzvot is a mitzvot, but I have to be careful not to start sounding too preachy or like I said earlier, disengenuous. In the ad for the class, it says that we are focusing on the Musar. I don't even know what that is, so I did some research. It is a movement started by Orthodox Jews in 19th century Eastern Europe. The Musar Institute website explains that:

Musar is a path of contemplative practices and exercises that have evolved over the past thousand years to help an individual soul to pinpoint and then to break through the barriers that surround and obstruct the flow of inner light in our lives. Musar is a treasury of techniques and understandings that offers immensely valuable guidance for the journey of our lives.... The goal of Musar practice is to release the light of holiness that lives within the soul. The roots of all of our thoughts and actions can be traced to the depths of the soul, beyond the reach of the light of consciousness, and so the methods Musar provides include meditations, guided contemplations, exercises and chants that are all intended to penetrate down to the darkness of the subconscious, to bring about change right at the root of our nature.

Sounds good, but a bit more touchy feel-y spiritual than my approach to mitzvot. The Rabbi describes the Musar as a Jewish Ethical system, so there is a difference there to be educated on. My approach is more like Heloise Hints, ie: here's a helpful hint for feeling positive, stop saying negative things about people. The Middot are the actions you take to follow the Mitzvot. One is the philosophy and the other the implementation. As a person of action I am going to focus on that as my contribution to the class.

Recent middot, acts of kindness in taking care of Blair during her knee surgery recovery, volunteering at Showcase house, taking bottled water to the post funeral lunch at the temple for the half of a truly sweet 90 something old couple. Sad, and I wrote a note, but can't quite bring myself to go to the shiva. I know she doesn't know me, although when ever she sees me at the temple, she holds my hands as if she does. I'll think about it. I signed up for a Shabbat dinner week from Friday.
For the past month, I have felt like too much stuff was hanging over me, work to get done, and then on top of it so much sisterhood stuff and more to do, always. But a few days of getting caught up and am ready to go, get started organizing Artisan Boutique, dig into the nominating committee, and hold the negative thoughts during the Sisterhood meetings. It is what it is.

What I am grateful for:
My husband, who embraced the abandoned table I dragged home and has restained and varnished it back to something of beauty, who is always supportive and loving in his own way.
To still be married, caught a picture of the house of a divorced couple I know in the paper today, I am grateful that is not me. Whatever decisions we make, we make together.
My beautiful daughter, who is working so hard to face her challenges, whether it be her knee recovery, her hormonal fluctuations, the difficulties of roommates and somehow always comes out ok. Praying for beautiful things in her future and a bit more happiness.
I am grateful for my intelligent, and caring (in his own way) son. He is truly generous, and would be more so if he had it. I just hope he makes it to Israel without any drama getting there or while he is there.
I am grateful for my parents, that they are still in good health, that we can laugh, they can travel, and have enriched, full lives
I am grateful for my health. I had a kind of scare, first a bad reaction to a bee sting, a bad cold, and then a weird three day headache, with some nausea, worried I was having a heart attack. But all good now, and I covered a lot of court at tennis today, more than I knew possible and I was ok.