Sitting Shiva

It was the funeral for friends' father this afternoon. I knew I couldn't make it but there was going to be an evening shiva so I just decided that would be fine. But somehow after getting back to the office, and working for a bit, I just had this feeling, shouldn't I be there. It felt like about the time they would be back from the funeral, so I hopped in the car, made a stop for cookies and got over there as folks were still parking. One of the reasons we bring cookies or other food is that it is the obligation of the community to feed the mourners during this time. I remember when I mother-in-law passed away and we were living in New York and my office sent this enormous fruit basket, and it turned out that was the correct thing to do, only I didn't know it having had limited experience with this sort of thing.

When I walked in the door I knew I had made the right decision. Just to hug each of the sisters, talk to the kids, and hang out with good friends for a few hours. But a funny thing happened, before I got there another friend had told a few people that I wasn't a happy camper on Halloween. And just when I thought I had done fine, been a good sport, a gracious candy giver. But perhaps my joking complaining when they stopped by, cocktails in hand was misread as not really being in the spirit, perhaps a Halloween curmudgeon, always a Halloween curmudgeon. But it took me by surprise and it embarrassed me. Is this the reputation I want? I need to think about what I say about myself. Not sure how that is covered in Jewish commandments, more research is needed.

I then reached out when this friend mentioned going for a walk and offered to walk with her. And we had a lovely walk. We are imperfection in all we do, but we can strive for better in everything.

Blessed Memory

Yesterday I went to a neighbor's home to help with the shiva minyan, the memorial service done in the home after the funeral. As per tradition, their is a full spread of food, and our Sisterhood's tradition is to be their so the family can concentrate on what they need to do, like grieve. I started helping with this a few years ago, as an extension of another activity. I had signed up to visit the sick (Bikkur Holim) except every time I got assigned someone they were either not interested in a visitor ( I got some angry replies when I phoned) or were too far along to visit. The very first person I was assigned, I spoke to the wife on Monday and I think the husband died on Friday. I felt terrible that I had intruded in my zeal to do my new job...but to make up for it, I went to the shiva at their house. I had had very little shiva experience, both my grandparents that were religious were buried across the country and my parents had zero interest in a shiva, a deli meal after the graveside at a typical New Jersey diner was all they wanted. When my father in-law died, we ate and the mirrors were covered as is the custom, but there was no prayer service, it was just a social time. So when I went to a strangers house out of guilt, I was pushing myself way out of my comfort zone. I learned that it is a mitzah to go, regardless of whether you know the people or not, and also that an individual who has lost a spouse, appreciates all support and kind words. I was happy to be there to help and so I volunteered to do it again. I figured at the very least, I would better understand this tradition if I ever had to do this myself.

So when the call for help went out on Sunday, I thought why not? I had the time and there was a need. When you help you are hanging out with the help in the kitchen mostly, clearing trays and such. You are totally disconnected with the spiritual or religious part of the event. But the funny thing is that inevitably, the widow makes her way to the kitchen where it is just a bit quieter and she is happy to have a change in focus, to meet me and chat about something other than the momentous life change she faces. I think this was my mitzvah, not the cleaning, or food prep, or the driving home of the lady who does the organizing, even though I needed to cook my dinner and fold laundry. But just to be there in the kitchen, to reassure this neighbor, I will be there is she needs a ride, someone to walk with, whatever. So many people did this for my grandmother, it is easy to offer it in sincerity in return.

On the work side, I am struggling with some ethical dilemmas, how far do I go in painting my picture of success? How far do I go in positioning myself as an expert. I have seen men, make much more of much less, but would prefer to never have to do or say anything that didn't feel 100 percent perfect. But I might never work. On the flip side when I get an assignment, I truly add value, and isn't that what matters. But may not be making the true definition of probity. A sales man I am not. I just had a guy come to my door selling miracle cleaner for $80. He made some fantastic claims, including because of the environmentally friendly nature you could deduct the purchase from your taxes. Somehow this didn't bother me. I wasn't going to buy it, but I kind of admire that ability to say whatever it takes and yet I don't really I have it in me. Or do I?

On the topic of La'shon HaRa, the dam kind of burst last night. Talking about people is so integral to what I talk about, I so enjoy observing all the little idiosyncracies, and then sharing them with my loved ones. I am trying to find a middle ground, the place where it is not the first topic, and that you truly only go there if it is information someone needs, and definitely not when it is just something hurtful. This is really hard.