Tennis

One of the hardest things in tennis is to not blame your partner, out loud or silently. I don't want to belabor this topic. I'm not proud of my behavior, I tried really hard today. But I've got a long way to go. On a beautiful fall morning, I am so privileged as to be able to play a competitive match at one of smallest but nicest tennis facilities in the area with a truly wonderful and nice person. But once things get mental and they do, and then we lose I have a hard time just letting go. I used the car ride home and then the advantage of an empty house and work to focus on, and now I can say I have finally 7 hours later let go. I worry that I have alienated someone I really like by letting these thoughts creep out of my mouth from time to time.

Consider this from Zelig Pliskin's Love Your Neighbor (with the gender changed) on belittling others, " The cure for this is for the person to honestly examine her character. Even if she is in fact, essentially good, she has surely not utilized her full potential. Once she has become aware of her own faults, surely she will be less likely to speak against others."

I agree with the part about full potential. Instead of focusing on my partners errors, I need to focus on where I can improve and execute to the best of my potential. But I am pretty aware of my faults and even in the years when I was terrible I still came off a court and just had this burning need to shift the blame. I even for a time practiced intentionally blaming my self. I could have done better(duh) but that didn't help. I watched what the gracious players said and mimicked that. We had a great set, played tough, but in the end they outplayed us. I said that today, but it never really seems to end the feeling of frustration. My partner in the middle of the match, mentioned to the ladies how equal we were, what a great match it was. I didn't feel we were playing to our potential as a team, and wasn't sure they would agree. But why did it bother me that she said that?

I think the bigger challenge is to keep it in perspective. I know rationally that I could have done more. And yes replaying my mistakes does help find some forgiveness. I know this is a habit like any other, and also a way to protect myself from feeling bad. So how can I either start winning when I should, or at least being a better loser. Is there a way to play tennis without blame? For awhile there I was telling myself no regrets when I walked on the court, do what I am going to do and go home happy. Clearly I am just not there yet.
Pliskin says that "some people have a tendency to always complain about others and find fault with them. ...The unfortunate possessor of this trait will speak against others because she feels that others dislike her. To correct this trait a person must train herself to judge others favorably. When in contact with others , he must always keep in mind that we are commanded to love other people and forbidden to hate them."

Ok, I get it now. I am really insecure. When I walk off with a loss I do feel that others are judging me for losing, thinking less of me, friend or the tennis pro. I want to be thought of as a good player so I deflect the loss on to others. So first I need to accept that others aren't judging my playing (at least mostly), that I am a good player and getting better, and this loss will help me get better, and having a partner who is supportive of me even when I make mistakes, is a blessing and I need to work harder to return that blessing. I will say that I gave my partner a friendly kiss when I left and hope that my internal turmoil was not betrayed.
So that's my homework, believe in myself more on the court and love my partner all the way to 6-love.