We had our last class on Monday and I think we all felt that we had barely started. Self-examination, awareness and translating that to change is a long journey, and not one easily wrapped up in 5 sessions. Still if each of us just improved 50 percent in terms of viewing others favorably, guarding our speech, performing daily mitzvot and living from the place of a good heart, the world would be a better place, for you and me...Wasn't that a Supreme's song? Put a little love in your heart. All the song writers in Hollywood channeling the thoughts of the ancient rabbis, the torah and the talmud. I'd like to think that Jackie DeShannon (nee Myers) who wrote the song with brother Randy Myers, has a Jewish heritage she doesn't even know about. Somehow the attitude and verbiage channeling through generations on a subconscious level.
One of the interesting aspects of the Middot class was that at least one -third of the students were Jewish by choice, ie: conversion. This led to the conversation about how being Jewish by birth is a completely different experience, akin to never appreciating the ocean when you live a few blocks from it, versus us landlocked dwellers who crave a glimpse of water now and then. Many Jews in American are comfortable with the lack of affiliation and ritual because they have never really connected in a modern way to so much of the teaching that is spiritually meaningful. They may wander the globe seeking out insights from the Buddhist Monk, the Bahai Temple, the Sufi Imman and never realize how something equally cool exists within the faith that they associate with too much food, too loud conversation, boring services etc. How does Judiasim get cool again? This is the Rabbi's siren call, putting together Shabbaton and Synaplex experiences, yoga and Torah. I don't have any answers here, although I recognize the mitzvah in spreading this particular gospel of attitude and behaviors, am getting a little worn out on being the vocal proponent. I am ready to take a break from the pursuit of sharing my breakthroughs and trying to persuade others, and just go back to my own quirky, inconsistent study of all things mitzvot, for better or worse.
Upon finding myself feeling out of sorts for days, set aside time to catch up, write condolence notes, mail checks to charity and do Sisterhood related chores. The envelopes sat in the mailbox waiting for pick-up during the long weekend, but once gone on a Tuesday, the air seemed to clear, the burdens got a bit lighter and I was able to once again just appreciate all the goodness and wonder around me.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Lev Tov
Last class we learned about Lev Tov, good heart. In the very moment of talking about it, I could feel the deep peace that lies within me when in a good heart moment. During the week as I got stressed, or annoyed I recalled my good heart and the way it felt and let all those negative feelings fall away. There is no room for hate, envy, jealousy or bitterness in the good heart. The good heart is filled with grace, compassion and caring. I have carried my good heart front and center this week, making time for a neighbor, looking eye to eye with a homeless person who I think was calling me "scary woman". At least he wasn't calling me scary old woman. Trying to process the tragedies of the week, deaths, divorces, the things that happen as part of our circle of life from that point of view, not of what it means to me, but just where is my good self. I was able to shed some of the negativity that comes with competitiveness by finding a caring, generous person to respond and realizing the other people are just as nervous, trying their best. I am not always a good person, and deep down have always thought I was a bit dastardly. Finding just the right sarcastic quip, knowing when I was stirring the pot, pitting folks against others. So I am trying now to open up, just that little bit more. Went to a party, and just worked on expressing joy and enjoying whomever I was talking to at that time. My effusiveness may have gone a bit far the other way. This will take some fine tuning. Does the one quickest to criticize, win life's race to the finish? There is no race, and there is so much more pleasure in finding pleasure rather than pointing out the pain. I interviewed a congregant who moved to California in 1953, and just was great to hear about the progressive circle, and the other youth movement groups where they did physical exercise and practiced manual labor in preparing for immigration to Israel. Then got to see my sons pictures from his recent trip to Israel. I held a baby last weekend, not mine, but a moment where I could really feel my good heart. So in each of these situations, finding the thing that creates a certain sensation of peace and goodwill. Every where I turn there are messages, about finding heart, showing heart, sharing heart. It is all the same, to connect to a certain feeling, for the good of those around you and the feeling of good inside you.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Guarding One's Speech
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Of course it does! The premise being that the sound only exists as something processed by our ears at a moment in time. But the sound was there, whether heard by a human or not, a squirrel heard it, a butterfly flew away, the forest ground shifted in response. Ants on the ground were smashed. The damage was done. Perhaps this is the wrong question. Because the sounds is only a sign or a symptom of the underlying danger that occurs when a tree falls, a warning for those or perhaps information too late if you are on the wrong path at the wrong time when lightening strikes.
Similarly if you talk about someone behind their back, whether for good intentions or naught, the concept of this weeks Midda "seyag LiD'varav" guarding or literally fencing your speech tells us that the damage is still done whether or not they ever come to hear the information. This concept is much broader than the commandment against gossip or the evil tongue. Even a loving rant about a parent or a child can fill the air with toxins.
I committed to a 24 hour period of not saying anything unkind to or anyone but ended up feeling like I had gotten trapped in uncomfortable situations that led to using words in an attempt to extricate myself. It did not work. My father asked me if my daughter had liked her birthday gift. I hemmed and hawed. The gift a round medallion necklace with her name and happy birthday engraved was not what she wanted and not something she would ever wear. I found myself trying to express this in some way....for no reason really except it was hard to lie effusively. This is not LaShon Hara, I am speaking directly to someone which is fine but it did not feel good at all. Earlier in the evening I had been in a tennis clinic, and I found myself making self-deprecatory comments to offset my insecurities about how I was playing. This does not feel good or productive. I tried to be silent and just focus on what was in front of me. All of these feelings, I was not able to have the day that showed the true discipline of guarded speech even though technically I did not say anything unkind to anyone, but with all those feelings I did share a few thoughts with my husband later that day. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to sleep. Holding in unkind judgements is a lot like dieting, we know how to do it but it requires tremendous discipline day in and day out, to pass up the bread and butter, the wine etc. But when we do it, when we stick to it, our spirits feel elevated.
I am curious to find out how the other folks fared with the experiment. The great thing is I can always try again tomorrow. Because what you say matters, each and every day.
Similarly if you talk about someone behind their back, whether for good intentions or naught, the concept of this weeks Midda "seyag LiD'varav" guarding or literally fencing your speech tells us that the damage is still done whether or not they ever come to hear the information. This concept is much broader than the commandment against gossip or the evil tongue. Even a loving rant about a parent or a child can fill the air with toxins.
I committed to a 24 hour period of not saying anything unkind to or anyone but ended up feeling like I had gotten trapped in uncomfortable situations that led to using words in an attempt to extricate myself. It did not work. My father asked me if my daughter had liked her birthday gift. I hemmed and hawed. The gift a round medallion necklace with her name and happy birthday engraved was not what she wanted and not something she would ever wear. I found myself trying to express this in some way....for no reason really except it was hard to lie effusively. This is not LaShon Hara, I am speaking directly to someone which is fine but it did not feel good at all. Earlier in the evening I had been in a tennis clinic, and I found myself making self-deprecatory comments to offset my insecurities about how I was playing. This does not feel good or productive. I tried to be silent and just focus on what was in front of me. All of these feelings, I was not able to have the day that showed the true discipline of guarded speech even though technically I did not say anything unkind to anyone, but with all those feelings I did share a few thoughts with my husband later that day. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to sleep. Holding in unkind judgements is a lot like dieting, we know how to do it but it requires tremendous discipline day in and day out, to pass up the bread and butter, the wine etc. But when we do it, when we stick to it, our spirits feel elevated.
I am curious to find out how the other folks fared with the experiment. The great thing is I can always try again tomorrow. Because what you say matters, each and every day.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Judging Others Favorably
This week we are working on judging others favorably. I was challenged almost immediately in the class as there was a new student who was coming from a tough place, perhaps not the most stable. This is supposed to be a self motivating process. You choose to come, you choose to do the exercises but I found myself spending the break-out discussion having to calmly defend the point of what we are doing. It was very difficult and sad in a way, and I did not feel equipped. In the end I felt that god sent this troubled person into the class to show me the conceit of what I thought I had learned, the illusion of the better place I was in.
The analogy in our readings was about a soiled garment, that can be saved with effort and care and that a human being can be the same. Ironically I have such a garment right now that I am dealing with. A beautiful yellow dress from Max Studio that I have found and old what I think is chocolate stain on the last time I wore it. Somehow I never saw the stain when it happened, so it has just been sitting there embedding itself in the garment. So I did some on-line research and the first attempt, hot water and dish soap did nothing. Round two we are now trying soaking in heavy cream (fight fat with fat). Next stop is hydrogen peroxide. I get great pleasure in success in removing stains and making a garment like new. Give me your tired old white t-shirts, I will happily bleach them. Stain removal is one of the easiest and most satisfying activities. If only encounters with strangers, friends and family could be so simple.
The difficult gentleman in the class doesn't want to be difficult. He wants to be loved and doesn't understand why "everybody is always picking on me", to pull from an old platters song. He reminds me of my sister-in law who has the presence of mind to know her life is not what she wants, but not the rational self-awareness to see how she contributes with her negative, angry, blame the world attitude. I am not sure either of them can help it, but perhaps that is not trying hard enough. Is there a way back in to the psyche of someone who is unable to see their words and actions in a realistic light? I don't have an answer. I used to truly believe there was a solution, whether it be drugs or therapy but it is not always possible to get a troubled person to even seek solutions, since the problem is not with them from their point of view. So not as easy as getting a stain out of fabric but can at least work on not blaming myself for not having a solution and not blaming them for not being "easier."
It seems like there are a million moments in the day where we think about other people or encounter them where negative expectations get in the way. For me it is at is worst when I feel some negative outcome and I want to some how deflect the negative judgement on my self. So for me to work on is translating a negative judgement to a positive interpretation at least as an interim step. So in tennis, not to dwell on what my partner is not doing, and what I am not doing, but focus on what I can do and relax and have confidence in them. It worked this morning, just barely, but enough.
I have spent so much of my life, being smart, knowing the outcome before it happened, sort of moving before the ball has been hit, that I have missed the opportunity for good outcomes that were an option all along. So allow for the positive, that is my mantra for the rest of this week.
The analogy in our readings was about a soiled garment, that can be saved with effort and care and that a human being can be the same. Ironically I have such a garment right now that I am dealing with. A beautiful yellow dress from Max Studio that I have found and old what I think is chocolate stain on the last time I wore it. Somehow I never saw the stain when it happened, so it has just been sitting there embedding itself in the garment. So I did some on-line research and the first attempt, hot water and dish soap did nothing. Round two we are now trying soaking in heavy cream (fight fat with fat). Next stop is hydrogen peroxide. I get great pleasure in success in removing stains and making a garment like new. Give me your tired old white t-shirts, I will happily bleach them. Stain removal is one of the easiest and most satisfying activities. If only encounters with strangers, friends and family could be so simple.
The difficult gentleman in the class doesn't want to be difficult. He wants to be loved and doesn't understand why "everybody is always picking on me", to pull from an old platters song. He reminds me of my sister-in law who has the presence of mind to know her life is not what she wants, but not the rational self-awareness to see how she contributes with her negative, angry, blame the world attitude. I am not sure either of them can help it, but perhaps that is not trying hard enough. Is there a way back in to the psyche of someone who is unable to see their words and actions in a realistic light? I don't have an answer. I used to truly believe there was a solution, whether it be drugs or therapy but it is not always possible to get a troubled person to even seek solutions, since the problem is not with them from their point of view. So not as easy as getting a stain out of fabric but can at least work on not blaming myself for not having a solution and not blaming them for not being "easier."
It seems like there are a million moments in the day where we think about other people or encounter them where negative expectations get in the way. For me it is at is worst when I feel some negative outcome and I want to some how deflect the negative judgement on my self. So for me to work on is translating a negative judgement to a positive interpretation at least as an interim step. So in tennis, not to dwell on what my partner is not doing, and what I am not doing, but focus on what I can do and relax and have confidence in them. It worked this morning, just barely, but enough.
I have spent so much of my life, being smart, knowing the outcome before it happened, sort of moving before the ball has been hit, that I have missed the opportunity for good outcomes that were an option all along. So allow for the positive, that is my mantra for the rest of this week.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Small Steps to Big Results
We had our first class this week. It was a small class which I think disappointed the Rabbi. I think his expectation was that I would attract this larger population of temple members who don't typically do classes, that my popularity would be a draw. First of all I am not sure I am popular or unpopular. I feel that I am at a point in life where if there was a need, there would be people there to help and I am thankful for that. I think at the core of it one person was there because of me, several were there because of an interest in Musar and middot and several were there because they were seeking self awareness, self-growth and as for those who weren't there, perhaps they are content with their lives, although I think when you learn about Musar as we are starting to, it is like a light turning on inside your heart and at first it is kind of dim, you can barely see it, but with time the light spreads, so that when you put your head on the pillow at night, there is a brief moment as the light leaves, sort of like a candle as it goes out at the end of the wick, that moment where it almost flares up. So I felt that after the class, so I know something happened and it is something I would like to experience again. It is my choice.
So small class or not, it was wonderful. We broke into small groups and discussed joy in our lives and there were some really special thoughts shared. Our homework for the week is to carry a list of Top Ten Mitzvot: 1) to honor father and mother 2) to perform acts of love and kindness 3) to attend the house of study daily 4) to welcome the stranger 5) to visit the sick 6) to rejoice with the bride and groom 7) to console the bereaved 8) to pray with sincerity 9) to make peace when there is strife 10) and the study of Torah is equal to them all, because it leads to them all. The goal of the week is to take the opportunity to fulfill these commandments, ask your self how you might carry out the mitzvah with a positive attitude and a real sense of joy.
Yesterday I was not feeling all that mitzvot connected. So in the evening I read the excerpt from the Jewish Spiritual Path of Mussar, Everyday Holiness that the Rabbi provided. There were alot of things that resonated but particularly this, "By refining and elevating your inner life and nourishing the soul, you clarify your inner light and thus become a lamp shedding light into the world." So the light inside of me that I had felt before reading this is truly something, something that grow until it is bright enough to illuminate the lives of those around me. That is a beautiful thing. So as I set out today I tried to keep that in mind, to approach others with a warmth and joy for the moment.
So when my doorbell rang in the middle of writing this I wasn't thinking about welcoming strangers, my immediate thought was "were those door to door fundraisers for an environmental group back again?". It was a pleasant surprise to open the door to the 10 year old girl from next door and her babysitter who needed to borrow some aluminum foil to wrap up a lasagna they had just prepared so they could bake it. We don't like in Mayberrry, neighbors rarely knock on doors but it was a nice moment. I was so happy to help them and so glad they thought to ask. They were so excited about the lasagna. I hope it comes out great.
Each and every day we face tough choices and news. Deaths, divorces, financial set-backs. I have heard it all this week. I can't fix anything but I can be a good friend, a shoulder to cry on, a person you can count on.
So small class or not, it was wonderful. We broke into small groups and discussed joy in our lives and there were some really special thoughts shared. Our homework for the week is to carry a list of Top Ten Mitzvot: 1) to honor father and mother 2) to perform acts of love and kindness 3) to attend the house of study daily 4) to welcome the stranger 5) to visit the sick 6) to rejoice with the bride and groom 7) to console the bereaved 8) to pray with sincerity 9) to make peace when there is strife 10) and the study of Torah is equal to them all, because it leads to them all. The goal of the week is to take the opportunity to fulfill these commandments, ask your self how you might carry out the mitzvah with a positive attitude and a real sense of joy.
Yesterday I was not feeling all that mitzvot connected. So in the evening I read the excerpt from the Jewish Spiritual Path of Mussar, Everyday Holiness that the Rabbi provided. There were alot of things that resonated but particularly this, "By refining and elevating your inner life and nourishing the soul, you clarify your inner light and thus become a lamp shedding light into the world." So the light inside of me that I had felt before reading this is truly something, something that grow until it is bright enough to illuminate the lives of those around me. That is a beautiful thing. So as I set out today I tried to keep that in mind, to approach others with a warmth and joy for the moment.
So when my doorbell rang in the middle of writing this I wasn't thinking about welcoming strangers, my immediate thought was "were those door to door fundraisers for an environmental group back again?". It was a pleasant surprise to open the door to the 10 year old girl from next door and her babysitter who needed to borrow some aluminum foil to wrap up a lasagna they had just prepared so they could bake it. We don't like in Mayberrry, neighbors rarely knock on doors but it was a nice moment. I was so happy to help them and so glad they thought to ask. They were so excited about the lasagna. I hope it comes out great.
Each and every day we face tough choices and news. Deaths, divorces, financial set-backs. I have heard it all this week. I can't fix anything but I can be a good friend, a shoulder to cry on, a person you can count on.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Rainy Day Blues
Life started a little slow this morning, what with the grey sky and the chill in the air. I checked email as I took my first sip of tea, my eyes barely open and then my heart fell to the floor. A good friend who we were looking forward to seeing this summer sent a quick email entitled "Sad News", to say the vacation plans were off. Her husband, also our friend, was leaving her. I sent off a quick so sorry and shocked reply and then tried to process it. An hour later, I sent a longer email and then I realized from all my mitzvah training I needed to do the difficult thing, pick up the phone, no matter they are a continent away. My old self would have said "call me if you need me", and then with the guilt taken care of go on my merry way. My new self gets it. The burden of caring shouldn't be placed on the person who is having a difficult time. We had a good conversation, some laughs even, and I felt that she was coping as well as any of us would, and felt better just having that connection.
I am looking forward to the first Musar Middot class, learning more about small steps for happiness, and am honored to be "teaching", although all I will really be doing is sharing my experiences. I am also honored that several of my friends say they are coming. This kind of learning is a bit of light in the darkness that seems to be continuously encroaching or perhaps we live in darkness and it is the light that we shine into it that matters. Every day there are opportunities but no one person can do it all, but being open to it perhaps way more than I am comfortable is a step in a good direction.
Today I caught up on all my "sunshine notes", births, get well etc. The notes are the constant reminder of the cycle of life. I was pleased last Friday night at our community Shabbat dinner to be sitting next to my neighbor whose husband passed a few months ago. She is such a lovely person. I am trying to guard my speech and see others in a favorable light, each piece of information we impart is like a bullet traveling through the universe, just waiting for it's target not always intended. So choose wisely, what you say.
I am looking forward to the first Musar Middot class, learning more about small steps for happiness, and am honored to be "teaching", although all I will really be doing is sharing my experiences. I am also honored that several of my friends say they are coming. This kind of learning is a bit of light in the darkness that seems to be continuously encroaching or perhaps we live in darkness and it is the light that we shine into it that matters. Every day there are opportunities but no one person can do it all, but being open to it perhaps way more than I am comfortable is a step in a good direction.
Today I caught up on all my "sunshine notes", births, get well etc. The notes are the constant reminder of the cycle of life. I was pleased last Friday night at our community Shabbat dinner to be sitting next to my neighbor whose husband passed a few months ago. She is such a lovely person. I am trying to guard my speech and see others in a favorable light, each piece of information we impart is like a bullet traveling through the universe, just waiting for it's target not always intended. So choose wisely, what you say.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Next stop: Happiness
Met with the Rabbi and we have our syllabus; 1)Happiness 2) Judging others favorably 3) Guarding your tongue 4) Good Heart
Very excited about these topics because it doesn't get more important than happiness and making that connection between what is in our heart and how content we feel is a critical step in this journey. Earlier this week when I did a day trip to San Francisco, I felt this fundamental change in attitude. I used to make this trip every other week and my mind was often occupied with pointless what if scenarios. What if the plane is late, what if I have a bad seat, what if the cab "rips me off". This trip I worked at letting go, figuring it all works out and it did. Part of the key is to not be in a rush, not needing to be perfect. How liberating is imperfection.
After a really good meeting and lunch, I then spent over an hour listening to a good friend download his concerns about the company management. Although I know he thinks he is coming from a good place, the improvement of operations, it just doesn't come off that way. At some point regardless of how much of a people person or how much of a detail person someone is you just have to focus on the circle of influence you control (if you've read the 7 habits you'll know what I am talking about). His unhappiness is infectious and projected, which can't be good for his success. I've been in equally tough situations, and have once quit a job over how I was treated it, and have once been asked to quit based on being the person who sees the problems and you learn that you either make it fit or you move on, but serving up negativity soup all day long is not productive.
Then the next day hosted a temple fundraising "parlor meeting" at my house. I had been really dreading this, and had lost some sleep over it. How much do you give an organization when you feel you are already giving enough, and how much is truly enough? Is bailing out financial mismanagement encouraging or rewarding continued mistakes? (Look to the US financial bail out for an example of where it didn't do that).
But when it came down to it I felt completely at peace before and during the meeting. It is my choice and finding that choice like all the other ones I made in this journey was uniquely mine to make. It doesn't really matter what other people's expectations are, or what I assume they are. So I listened, I asked and I commented. In the end I knew that I could do something, no different than digging in to pay unexpected car repairs, medical bills or parking tickets, all of which seem to happen far too often. For me there was a mitzvah in opening my home to have this conversation, to connect with people in a different way, some of whom I knew very well and some who I knew only by sight, but in the end they all felt comfortable, and easy to be with and that made a difference. We aren't a bureaucracy, we are a community of people with "good hearts" coming together to maintain a place where we can share an essential part of who we are.
There were lots of other usual mitzvot this week, notes of condolence, tickets for a fundraiser, started to work on artisan boutique, made a phone call to a neighbor. My peace of mind slipped away for awhile but it feels like it is coming back.
I am grateful for the health and happiness of my daughter, son, husband, parents, my sister and brother, and my brother's family.
I am grateful for the community I am part of here with it's spectacular beauty, wonderful, intelligent people and quirky character.
I am grateful for a roof over my head and food on my table.
Very excited about these topics because it doesn't get more important than happiness and making that connection between what is in our heart and how content we feel is a critical step in this journey. Earlier this week when I did a day trip to San Francisco, I felt this fundamental change in attitude. I used to make this trip every other week and my mind was often occupied with pointless what if scenarios. What if the plane is late, what if I have a bad seat, what if the cab "rips me off". This trip I worked at letting go, figuring it all works out and it did. Part of the key is to not be in a rush, not needing to be perfect. How liberating is imperfection.
After a really good meeting and lunch, I then spent over an hour listening to a good friend download his concerns about the company management. Although I know he thinks he is coming from a good place, the improvement of operations, it just doesn't come off that way. At some point regardless of how much of a people person or how much of a detail person someone is you just have to focus on the circle of influence you control (if you've read the 7 habits you'll know what I am talking about). His unhappiness is infectious and projected, which can't be good for his success. I've been in equally tough situations, and have once quit a job over how I was treated it, and have once been asked to quit based on being the person who sees the problems and you learn that you either make it fit or you move on, but serving up negativity soup all day long is not productive.
Then the next day hosted a temple fundraising "parlor meeting" at my house. I had been really dreading this, and had lost some sleep over it. How much do you give an organization when you feel you are already giving enough, and how much is truly enough? Is bailing out financial mismanagement encouraging or rewarding continued mistakes? (Look to the US financial bail out for an example of where it didn't do that).
But when it came down to it I felt completely at peace before and during the meeting. It is my choice and finding that choice like all the other ones I made in this journey was uniquely mine to make. It doesn't really matter what other people's expectations are, or what I assume they are. So I listened, I asked and I commented. In the end I knew that I could do something, no different than digging in to pay unexpected car repairs, medical bills or parking tickets, all of which seem to happen far too often. For me there was a mitzvah in opening my home to have this conversation, to connect with people in a different way, some of whom I knew very well and some who I knew only by sight, but in the end they all felt comfortable, and easy to be with and that made a difference. We aren't a bureaucracy, we are a community of people with "good hearts" coming together to maintain a place where we can share an essential part of who we are.
There were lots of other usual mitzvot this week, notes of condolence, tickets for a fundraiser, started to work on artisan boutique, made a phone call to a neighbor. My peace of mind slipped away for awhile but it feels like it is coming back.
I am grateful for the health and happiness of my daughter, son, husband, parents, my sister and brother, and my brother's family.
I am grateful for the community I am part of here with it's spectacular beauty, wonderful, intelligent people and quirky character.
I am grateful for a roof over my head and food on my table.
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