Happy Halloween

Here is it is finally, the night of costumed children and adults parading in the streets. And having made my peace with it, bought the candy, wore a costume of sorts to Zumba class, I still found myself not happy to see the large signboard at the dry cleaners advertising the free haunted house on my block. So is there a way to come out of tonight feeling good about the experience? I do know that my house looks dark and perhaps uninviting compared to the other attractions on the block, so it may just be me and a giant tub of candy for the night. If we consider giving out candy in the broad sense as either an act of neighborliness or an act of charity, in either case I lose nothing by giving candy, as a neighbor it is akin to breaking bread or sharing food, and as charity, according to the Torah, you will never become poor from giving charity, and no harm will befall you because of it. Sort of like the never ending pasta bowl...the more you give, the more you have? I get this on a motivational, faith level but is it really true? I've had a hard time not considering the money I give to charity as money I might need one day. And the idea of giving 10% of our income, well when you add it all up we might be at 5%, and it would be emotionally akin to bungee jumping for me to go any higher. I'm sticking with small acts for a long time before I will feel ready for bigger gestures.

Which raises another tough question, my husband offered a small loan to his sister as she needed to get something for a job. According to the commentary, charity should be considered a loan, somehow the universe will return what you give away. So in that way he can make a loan, and let go of whether it ever gets paid back in a direct fashion. Or maybe he should just call it an early Hanuakah present and move on. Most everybody is doing the best they can these days, many folks have taken a hit of one sort or another. The best I can do is smile, be patient, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I guess that is the philosophy for Halloween night, whether the trick or treater be too little to talk or over 6 feet tall, make my smile my mask and enjoy whatever comes to the door.

Tiny Threads Weaving

Today is a day where the efforts of prior days seemed to come together for positive outcomes. On the tennis courts practicing as a team paid off, but more importantly when I started to fall into a hole of frustration and anger, I changed course and took a positive point of view and then just did the best I could. I thought consciously about La Shon HaRa in terms of what was silent, because even if you don't say it out loud, thinking it can take you to a negative place. Of course I noticed one of our opponents botoxed lips, but I didn't comment to my partner and I put that thought aside, and told myself perhaps there was another explanation for her inability to speak and her extra plump lips. So I'm sharing it now, because it will be a long time before I will stop noticing these things, but as long as I don't say or share it in a way that could hurt or embarrass her then I think it's okay. And as previously discussed, since no one reads this, then it is as if I am just yelling in an empty tunnel.
I got a call back from the recent widower, she was so appreciative of my call. She has her daughter coming in this weekend, but we both agreed that when she is back on her own, I am around to provide some company and conversation, to help fill the emptiness of her house for a short hour or so now and then.
I attended a professional association meeting and when they asked for volunteers, I volunteered, and gladly and not with an eye to where is the payout for me, but because I know that being involved is the path, to know more people and to bring more value to more people. It was the first time the organizer of this meeting seemed to respond to me in a positive way, and even gave me a hug. And a fortuitous event was that a scientist I had been talking to (and who has been avoiding me I think) was there, and we had a nice chat, but it seems unlikely they are going to hire me or sign me up as a founder. But that is okay, and I offered my time to review their business plan, because as along as I have time, to be productive in this way is so great. I could have the best career ever of consulting, advising and mentoring if there weren't bills to pay, but I feel at least that I am closer to my authentic self (knowing how stupid that sounds) these days.

Finally, I broke down and bought a huge stash of Halloween candy. There is no mitzah for giving children cavities but love your neighbor likely includes being warm and friendly to the hordes of costumed children and adults that will descend on our neighborhood on Monday night. I could pray for rain but at least it is a school night.

Each and every day I look for ways I can help others, add value, be a friend and a compassionate caring parent and in this way I am growing.

How hard is a phone call?

I am looking at a large book I got out of the temple library called Love Your Neighbor sitting on my desk. It is a compilation of torah references that is supposed to be a practical guide in how to live your life. Considering the title, I knew when I got an email that a recent widow up the street was having a tough time, what I needed to do. I don't really know her, but still I called. Unfortunately I got an answering machine, but when time allows will take a walk down there and see if she needs a ride to the grocery store or whatever and I would be glad to do it. Reaching out to strangers is hard, sometimes for me, really hard, but the torah is pretty clear on this, "We must come to the aid of even a complete stranger." There has been alot of argument in sociobiology circles for years about whether altruisim truly existed or if the behavior of helping a stranger was in the long haul something that aids the survival of the species so it is directly beneficial. Some of us have spent so many years building up walls of cynicism it is difficult to respond in a direct and caring fashion to the needs of those around us. My daughter is just the opposite. She absorbs all the tsuris of the world around her and feels the tragedies of others lives as her own. She has always been the first to want to visit a sick classmate in the hospital, or bake cookies for someone who is feeling down. But sometimes she struggles with separating her feelings with those who are most directly effected. At least according to the Torah, her ability to feel others bad news as her own is a good thing, but there is a difference between a deep-seated empathy, a concern that emanates from this feeling and falling into a state of sadness and depression for something that is not directly impacting your life. In the movie, sex, lives and videotapes the lead female character is in a deep depression about the overwhelming about of garbage on the planet. Feeling sad, regardless of how close to home the reason is, can sometimes seem self-indulgent, but it is clear that it is okay but there are also other considerations. The true mitzvot can come from the comfort we provide, to those who are mourning, or struggling with illness. It is difficult to be a support to others, if we are wrapped up in our own feelings of sorrow. Last night my daughter found out that an acquaintance, a good friend of a good friend, had committed suicide and now she is struggling with her own feelings. But my hope and prayer and my comfort and compassion for her is that she takes those feelings and turns it into the greater mitzvot, of support and friendship for those who were closest to this young man. Our thoughts and prayers are with this young man's family.

A Quiet Monday

I was feeling a bit mitzvah challenged today, nothing special happened, no unexpected opportunities came knocking on my door. I wrote a condolence note, I listened to my daughter, although I did jump ahead with commentary, kind of a net net there. I did make a cup of coffee for the guy fixing my car, something I would never have done before, but I didn't think about in terms of what is "professional", I just thought he probably could use a cup of coffee, and I overcame my typical preference for privacy and offered him the use of the bathroom before he hit the road, which he declined. Amazing to me, since a cup of coffee and three hours later I would be in desperate need. I haven't responded yet to Healthy Kids, still trying to figure out where I want to be, but I did follow-up re: volunteering to do some marketing talks for a local group of start-ups. So for a quiet day, there was some stuff, but still just to be on the safe side, I said the Shema a few times, as this is a mitzvah, but the funny thing is I can only recite it by rote by singing, all those years in temple I have to have the melody to propel me along. I was telling a friend a bit about this blog and his reply was it is a mitzvah to share your writing, or a sin to not share your writing, something like that, but really I couldn't find anything relevant on the topic, except a quote from Gene Shalit, which I don't think is a Talmudic scholar, two snaps! I wish I had more today, but this is all I got. And until I learn otherwise, will continue to write in the quiet vacuum of the very public internet.

Friday

The sun has set and the sky is darkening. Time to light the candles (if I still have them) and get off the computer. How about virtual computer candle lighting, there is probably an i-phone app for that! Because isn't mostly about the sentiment, the moment of peace and quiet, the reflection of the flame on your hands.
I wrote a condolence note today, practiced compassionate listening and spent some time on a hike in the local canyon, smiling to as many people as possible, petting dogs etc. But my main accomplishment was what I didn't say. This morning after multiple reminders, my husband locked the door on his way out, thereby locking our cleaning lady out. Luckily I arrived home a few minutes later. My typical instinct would be to text him right away, just to let him know he is getting senile! But how does knowing that help him. Not at all, this forgetting stuff is a pattern, and one that sadly seems to go with aging. He's not an absent minded 11 year old boy who it is hoped with enough nagging and penalties will some day remember his homework. I'm not sure that really worked with our son either, just made him feel bad but at least we aren't the parents who called their son every morning his first year of college to make sure he woke up. At some point we all sink or swim on our own, but my husband is very responsible, he's just getting forgetful, so next time, I can run the risk of insulting him by putting a sticky note on the door or come up with another solution, because critiquing the past is only of value when behavioral change can occur. So new motto for Friday, Be fast to compliment and slow to criticize! Still if I have a glass of wine tonight, it may pop-out. But then do I have to settle the score with all my own "I am such an idiot" moments, hope not. In the meantime, we rise above and hope that keeping my usual commentary internal doesn't result in an ulcer.

Compassionate Listening

It was a quiet day on the mitzvah front. I attended an industry conference where at least I took the point of view of being supportive, warm and caring, so not making it about me, and keeping my catty thoughts or comments (of which there were only a few even in gestation) to myself. So what if we can finish other people's sentences, perhaps they'd like that pleasure for themselves. I tried opening doors and showing common courtesy, but it seemed like one of those days where the universe was aligned to help me, which was nice for a change. No call back from Healthy Kids, am I relieved or annoyed? There are so many ways to volunteer, how do I get closest to what matters to me?

As dusk drew near, I listened to my daughter as she shared her tears and anxieties about mid-term prep, social life, eating, the gamut. So I wondered, is listening a mitzvah? Once again the absence of an activity....becoming an active state. Well according to Rabbi David Booth of the CyberTorah blog, listening is a mitzvah, his rationale pulls from liturgy but perhaps it is a stretch, shma israel, (hear us israel), but he closes with what I think is a beautiful sentiment, "May our acts of listening be counted as praise, and may the healing quality that compassionate listening engenders be felt everywhere in our community." I hope I was a compassionate listener, and not too quick to jump in with advice, hmmm probably have to work on that one, still more on the intention side of the scale then the fully commited to being and hearing her point of view. So now both my speech and my hearing are part of a continum of mitzvot by avoiding negative commentary or thoughts, compassionate listening and compassionate speaking.

The Good, The Bad and the Questionable

The thing about donating, whether it be time or money is you want to know that you are giving to a good cause, and all not all causes or organizations are equal. Whether it be how or where the resources are distributed. So when I recently was asked to donate to the "feed the homeless" in front of a local drugstore, instead of breezing past I took a flyer. A week later I finally got around to looking this charity up...and found numerous "scam" postings on the internet. Sounds like a family figured there was easy money to be had, they collect for months and then host a bbq for themselves in a park for which if any homeless people are walking by they will offer them a plate. Of course there are two sides to every story, but didn't really seem like it in this case. So in the trash the flyer went. It seems like there are numerous organizations and facilities raising money for the "homeless" these days; and it gets a bit hard to sift through. But at least in our neighborhood, Union Station seems to be doing the best of job, of providing food, housing and transition services. So now I know, random solicitations at Rite-Aid, do your homework first, then consider donating.

In terms of door-to-door, both my husband and I bought boy scout popcorn...we definitely don't need $40 of popcorn and I think that money could have gone somewhere else, but our own son did this fundraising and lets face it, the kids are cute!

So that covers the bad and the questionable, and some good too. But then I picked up the phone and called Healthy Kids Pasadena, and "volunteered", will see what comes of it, a little afraid to make school year long commitment, or even to walk into a classroom, but the volunteer coordinator was terrific, warm and friendly, professional and hopefully this is a start to getting out of a rut in terms of when and where I volunteer, basically for the greater good of "my crowd." So will just have to wait and see what comes of this. My heart is in the right place.

Yesterday I wrote briefly about business ethics, projects that weren't a perfect fit but where the need for business flow motivated me to position myself for them anyway. This did weigh kind of heavily on me, and I realized I really didn't want this work. Fate intervened, one potential client asked for further details, at which point I was very clear about what I had and hadn't done, no further word and that is just fine. As for the other one, am thinking it won't come through and praying if it does that I get so busy with other stuff that I feel comfortable turning it down. I know the high road is turning it down, even if it was the last dollar I would ever make and I needed the money to keep the lights on, but am just not that noble yet. We're working on it.