Next Level

The more you learn, the more there is to learn. This week I had the opportunity to meet with our Rabbi and get some of my questions about where are all these mitzvot coming from? Of course, nothing is simple, there is the torah, there is the mishna, there is the interpretations, and from this commandments are expanded, analyzed and further expanded. There is a whole set of mitzvot known as Hiddur Mitzvah, which is the use of aesthetics to enhance a mitzvot, such as a beautiful candlestick or a challah cover, but how far does this go? Also there is a whole field of Jewish teaching which focuses on mindfulness, ego, joy, and flow, common elements of so many self-help books. I am not sure what this is called, but this isn't really the same as a mitzvah that benefits others, so I am getting a bit confused about it all. At the end of the day, it is all a personal choice, what actions can you take to bring greater piece of mind and joy into your life. The Rabbi has decided as a result of our conversations to teach a class on a handful of sort of ever day mitzvot that anyone can do, like the path that I have been on. I'm pretty sure that is a mitzvah, because it is an extension of "learn torah and teach it.", so the more I learn and then share what I learn the better it is. The Rabbi wants me to help teach the class and share my experiences as part of it, which I will, but I can tell that I need to guard against my ego stepping up to the plate and not my soul and spirit. It does feel good to be recognized for something I am doing, but I also know that is not the point. The more I talk about it, some of the goodness seems to dissipate, plus folks are going to get tired of me if I start sounding like a commercial. We're not there yet.

Last night I led our Rosh Hodesh meeting with my talk on LaShon Hora. It was really interesting for me and I think eye opening for some. There was a lot of good sharing of personal stories in a positive way. I enjoy these moments. Now the key is to not pass the info on because that would be LaShon Hora. I also noticed my ego kind of popping up. I had some prior visions of a packed house. We had a good turn-out, maybe 15 people? Many of them over the age of 70. But it wasn't a trans-formative, motivational speaker moment. I was also anxious how it would look to one younger woman I invited. But I knew that I had to let go of all that, this was just a step in a direction with many more to come.

In providing some background to the group about my mitzvah journey, I was reminded that weekly blogging is just not the same. It doesn't create the same commitment to seek out new mitzvot, and the behavior change is not as great. My hope is that with the Rabbi's class I can get a list of 5?10? every day mitzvot, that I can carry around with me on an index card and perhaps journal in a small notebook when ever something happens. Something for the future. I definitely woke up feeling more energized and positive than I have for awhile. I used that energy to make a few more contacts for Y&H for speakers, reaching out to complete strangers, and making some progress. It is a beautiful day outside and I am able to appreciate it, look forward to the weekend and continue to take responsibility for my life one day at a time.

Another Shiva

I have spent part of this week pulling information on LaShon Ha Ra and of course thinking about it. All the commentary of the world seems to bubble up inside of me and needs an outlet. So the best I can hope for is that when I consider what I say as a choice, I will sometimes choose not to share, and there by share less or more selectively, picking the people for whom the information has some meaning or perhaps has no meaning, and will ignore it as if I had stood in an empty room just to clear my system.

I carved out a few hours today to help set up the post-funeral luncheon at a house up the road. Getting the drill down, but it is sad regardless when you put out all this food and only a hand full of people come. Someone's mother, much loved, long lived, but transplanted to her son's community to live out her last few years and never learned the language or made connection and the son himself, a sort of non-entity except for co-workers and close friends, in the end the bagels will get repacked, the salads put away, the house will be empty for a few hours until the evening minyan comes. I kind of get why my parents don't have any desire to go this route, they are content with their circle of friends, no desire to a ceremony of any sort. There will be no funeral or lunch afterwards, although I can imagine a stop at Chinese place that day or the next when we can all say we remember when.

What is important whether you are big in the community or not is ultimately how you live your life, and the desire to pull away that I sometimes feel, to not be obligated, to not make connections this quiet separation is fine when you are young but seems to leave you hanging as you get older and is most apparent upon dying.

I am glad I went, and hope that my being there to set-up brought the family some comfort.

I am grateful for my loving and devoted husband
I am grateful for my beautiful and loving children
I am grateful to enjoy the company of my parents at this time of our lives
I am grateful to be professionally engaged
I am grateful to have food on the table and a roof on my head.

Too Much Going On

I don't get around to posting for a week and what happens, just tons of stuff and it it tough to figure out what to talk about. I am walking a fine line these days between talking about mitzvot and actually doing them. By not writing every day I have lost some of the connection. In the past few weeks I attended a Women's League Leadership Institute which provided insights not just on the importance of being an active volunteer as part of Sisterhood but also forced me to take a hard look at how my personality may not always be the most enthusiastic or embracing, and how can I soften that. I have gone to the funeral of an acquaintance and the lunch afterwards and the shiva the next day. I hard boiled and peeled 3 dozen eggs for the lunch and missed most of a day of work (work I didn't really have), and tennis for sure to be there and still had to remind myself that being there is a mitzvah, even if I wasn't really that close or the closest, or crying the most. It is my own weirdness which I share with my daughter, that our natural tendency is to be competitive about strange things, like who is the best mourner. Of course we don't really think of it that way, but we look around a room of red-eyed folks blowing noses and feel like we aren't keeping up. Of course this is where the mitzvah is grounding, it is a reminder that it is not about us, that we are their for the grieving family and that is the only consideration.
Then I helped out at a concert the Cantor gave, donated strawberries and just tried to be useful. The gist of it is taking stuff that used to be annoying and turning it into an opportunity to add positive energy to a situation, and for me the mitzvah is a guide. I ended up having a long talk with the Rabbi about it, and suggested a mitzvah class, and now we are meeting, so it could really happen. Of course, then I get way ahead of things and start dreaming about writing a book about 12 commandments to live by that will change your outlook, and it is that moment, when I try to make something out of it, that it ceases to work. I am too busy to look at the requests for money or am too busy feeling proud of myself to be doing. I also went to my first programs meeting of Young and Healthy, and also agreed to make calls to find speaking engagements for the director for local groups. This is not my favorite kind of job, but am finding that I am learning about all these groups that do wonderful things, and may open more volunteer opportunities and can find activities that align with my values.
So all in all, alot going on. I still have to get my LaShon HaRa talk together, finish the call for Young and Healthy (which hangs over me like an obligation, so got to work on that), perhaps spend some time working on new mitzvot such as the sanctification on ones own body and home, as well as figuring out what I can learn to be a better mother to a daughter who needs more guidance and support that I often feel I have in me to give.

Five things I am grateful for:
I am grateful that my children are engaged with the world, smart beautiful human beings
I am grateful to have a loving and supportive husband
I am grateful to have had work, and the potential of more work
I am grateful to be honored by my community as Woman of the Year
I am grateful for the beautiful mountains behind my house.

Recap

Since September of last year I have been exploring and writing about mitzvot, the commandments of what to do and not to do. And although there are technically 100's of these (closer to 700), so far on a day to day basis, there are a clear top six.
1) Giving to others in need, giving to charity (tzedakah)
2) Helping the sick (bikkur holim)
3) The mitzvah of supporting mourners (going to funerals, shivas)
4) Avoiding LashonHara (The evil tongue)
5) The mitzvah of shabbat
6) The mitzvah of prayer

When I was writing daily, I sought out new opportunities and new ways of doing things, but now on a weekly basis, mitzvot gets put on a back-burner until I have to write about it. It means remembering to do the right thing and then remembering to write about it. I'm not sure my memory is that good. So here I am writing this and thinking what is today's mitzvah, and my daughter calls and she has the flu, but she is miles away. So what can I do as a Mom to help? Just a shoulder to cry on I guess. I hope it did help. I think we are all one hand shake away from the flu or the cold of the moment.

I had hoped to spend time with my friend who is very ill, but she took a turn for the worse and is not seeing visitors. This makes me so sad.

It is my grandmother's Yarzheit tomorrow, I will go to temple and on Saturday do the bat mitzvah presentation. I just went online and donated money to City of Hope in her honor. I remember her talking about raising money for City of Hope way back when, probably the '40s. They do good work and it is good to have a major cancer treatment and research center in the area.

Ego and the Road to Hell

When I was a little kid, my dad used to say, "The road to hell was paved with good intentions." My first thought was, hell has a road? I imagined something more draconian, like Dante's inferno. My next thought was, what is a good intention and why is it on the ground? 40 some years later I get it, if good deeds get you into heaven, then the gap between action and intention is huge. I would guess that most of "mean well." We don't want to see people starve, or go without medical care, or live without plumbing and electricity. But when it comes to personally make a difference, it so comfortable to hang out with our intentions. It seems like as soon as I tell someone about my mitzvah project, I am confronted with the way in which my description implies something greater than my action. I have had a busy couple of weeks, have been slow to write notes, and look for new ways to reach out. I also have made a couple of well-intentioned commitments and then backed out. Now I get to feel guilt, not satisfaction. Back around Thanksgiving I signed up to serve holiday dinner at Union Station, and then couldn't make it. It was a choice between family and volunteering and I chose Family. A few weeks ago I sent a note to an acquaintance who is battling cancer and closed with an offer of help. When a website to sign up to take shifts at the house was posted, I picked a shift only now to realize, not that I truly can't but that doing so will require a sacrifice of another activity. So I am trying to cancel, and I feel guilt. Guilt is a way of punishing ourselves, rather than just doing the right thing. I can see that now, alleviate it by doing it. The companion of an older woman I know just died, and there will be a memorial service at her home. I don't want to go. I want to enjoy my Sunday. But at least I can do that. And I can pray, each and every night, like a lullabye, I let my prayers for those around me, lull me into a peaceful sleep.

When it comes down to closing the gap between intention and action, ego often jumps into the picture, good deeds are structured by how they look, the rewards they bring, so it is important to keep in mind the end game. Even the construct of heaven and hell has some ego driving it. The good and virtuous to be rewarded, the "winners". But when it comes down to it, this just isn't about me. So I rescheduled my shift and signed up for a new one, and yes I will go the memorial service. Not because they care, but because I care.

Moving Beyond Complaining

Many people become upset when they see others do something wrong, and air their complaints to everyone except to the person who needs the correction. Relating someone's faults to other constitutes loshon hara, while trying to correct the person himself is the fulfillment of a mitzvah"

I received a call this week, and knowing that I was going to speak on the topic of LaShon Hara the caller tried to tactfully bring up a concern about some "bad energy" among some people we know. I then tactfully tried to show that I had seen what she observed as well without criticizing anyone. In the end I realized the only solution was to try to get to the bottom of it. A keen wit and excellent powers of observation are great if you are a playwright like George Bernard Shaw but not nearly as helpful for day to day life as I have spent years believing. Of course I had noticed the bad energy, aka people raising eyebrows and voices, demonstrating a lack of patience, but all I had done so far was share my amusing observations on volunteering as a woman with my husband. The phone conversation made me realize something else could be done. I called the two worst offenders and spoke to them about what was bothering them. I gave them the opportunity to share suggestions about how our meetings could be run more smoothly, but also reminded them that we are all volunteers and perhaps to be more patient, and let's all work together. The calls were very positive and felt very different from the typical slam the boss water cooler conversation that we have all been guilty of and have had a scary moment or two thinking the information may have traveled. So like lewd Facebook photos, bad information, true or not, is just better not to put out there to the universe. The next step is to speak directly to the leader of the pack, share some of the suggestions I got and see if we can work out some positive steps together.

Then on my daily walk ran into a friend. A simple how was tennis question, elicited an immediate download of unhappiness with her partner. I've been there and know both these ladies well ( do you get the impression I have no serious concerns in my life?), but thinking about LaShon Hara, I was focused on how we could move beyond the complaint phase and to the improvement phase. My usual methods, countering a negative with a positive, trying to put things in a larger context just didn't work. I'm not prepared to talk to the offender directly, as I have done that and her behavior just hasn't changed. I guess we all have deep seated psychological issues that seep out in the places of stress and competitive athletics is one of them. So I didn't fix anything there...but am pretty sure I didn't make it worse, and there is nothing there that I will pass on. Besides I have my own tennis issues.

Through a series of events I have signed up for a tennis team that I am not good enough for. I can't hide behind a palm tree on the court, so I have to get out there and hit. I guess I am worrying what they will say and think about me. Is there a way I can show that they can speak directly to help me improve, vs. complaining about me later? So my goal is to make my goal clear, I am there to improve, if they have thoughts on it, I'll take them off the court so I can process them better. According to a Chabad post on Kabballah, "Ego is the fountainhead from which all negativity stems." By attaching my ego to the outcomes of this tennis endeavor I have already begun to create value judgements about myself and others for events that haven't occurred. If we see the activities as the transient events in our lives they truly are, without value judgement, then we can embrace them just as they are, neither positive or negative, not trying to prove anything to anybody, just being there and hitting the ball. Tonight I will be meditation on the ball. Hit the ball.

Making Sense

Slipping from the initial bubble of the joy of daily mitzvot, writing a check here and there, sending out condolence notes, helping with a shiva to life as usual. I could put it on writing only weekly, or perhaps I am only writing weekly because of the loss of momentum. Once the easy stuff was done, it was like nothing new out there unless I got bigger and bigger in terms of gestures, heart and caring, which is possible. With the holidays behind us, and some time spent thinking and drafting resolutions, what is next?
I have been mired in the mundane world of fixing appliances and dealing with stuff breaking down or just not being what it should and it seems like the stress and expense of this is effecting my thinking. So I figured it was time to go back to the master list of 613 commandments and see if there is anything that struck my fancy. Instead what struck me was the absurdity of some of the commandments. Is there a point in being charitable and lighting candles but ignoring 89.9% of the rest of it. I'm not even talking about the ancient traditions of wrapping tefillin or observing shabbat. What about he must not eat fresh grapes or raisins in Numbers not far from he must not be under the same roof as a corpse. Somehow I don't put those in the same category. And apparently Astrology is a no-no. Am not sure if reading my daily horoscope counts as practicing Astrology but I would sorely miss the uplifting if inaccurate guidance. There is a reason it is on the comics page, it is not to be taken seriously. But back to the grape thing, I could understand it if this was back in the time of the Temple and the priests were hoarding all the grapes to make their "priestly" wine, but now the last time there was a good reason not to eat grapes was because of the plight of the farm workers who picked them. I remember my Mom had us boycotting grapes back in elementary school in support of the farm workers. But nowadays most of our grapes come from Chili and they fall in the same category of much of our produce, grown in other countries and inefficiently transported here. Ok so it turns out that commandment only applies to Nazarites, and since I am not a Nazarite I am free to eat all the grapes I want, Whoopee! Also it turns out there are really only 77 positive commandments that can be observed today, some of which can only be observed in Israel, some don't apply to women (tefillin), and some only apply to special folks like the Kohanim. So now I have the list of 77 and I can see I still have my work cut out for me. One thing, before things got busy I was taking a few minutes each night after I climbed into bed to say a few prayers, silent wishes to the universe. It was comforting and it is time to start again. Number one on the short list, to believe that there is a G_d. Easier said than done, easier to believe in the power of charity and good works than in a specific spiritual presence. But I'll think about while I eat my grapes and do the crossword puzzle.