The miracle of giving and gratitude

I read a news blurb this week about a scientific study that correlated positive, gratitude type thoughts with superior brain functioning.  So whenever I have found my head getting fuzzy this week, I have taken a few seconds to appreciate all that is good and wonderful around me.  This isn't hard to do considering the spectacular view of the mountains I have from my office, the loving family that is there for me, making it possible to sit in this chair in this location and of course, often when running around town, I feel fortunate to live in this place with so many great people.   Despite ups and downs with work and volunteering activities, the temple having major angst, even down times create opportunities to meet new people and get beyond barriers, and it is these connections, this processing of vast universe of life experiences and imperfection that I am surrounded by, that helps put it all in context.  I am very, very lucky and grateful for the basic abilities to walk in a store and buy the groceries we need, to have a gardener to mow the lawn on a 100 degree day like today, and to be able to afford the luxury of air conditioning to insulate me from that heat. 

Even if my mitzvah practice is not quite so conscious at this time, I am changed enough to see myself making connections I wouldn't have made before, agreeing to do things I would never have signed up for.  Today I had lunch with a fellow volunteer that is sharing a job with me, because I have learned that the most efficient method of getting things done is not always the most effective.  Taking time to listen and learn and work collaboratively is what is truly exciting to me.  There were some good ideas, and best yet, things I hadn't thought of, that came from a give and take and true problem solving discussion.  If all volunteering was like that I wouldn't be looking to scale back, but then perhaps it is a matter of modifying my perceptions and expectations. 

One thing writing small checks for various organizations has done for me (besides increasing the amount of mail and solicitation phone calls we get), it has helped me let go of small amounts of spending, whether it be parking, or lunch or signing up for something to help an organization, I can spare $20 here and there and can stop obsessing about it.  If $20 is what is holding me back from a feeling of peace and fulfillment, it is time to get over that right now.  My kids are way ahead of me on this, but then they are raised a little differently.  They seem to be ok to pay for mistakes, to have money be wasted occasionally because it happens.  Add it in to the cost of living, just like a business does for the cost of doing business.

My grandmother used to say no crying over spilt milk, and I found that so amazing, since in my house, we were likely to be yelled at spanked for spilling milk, food whatever, getting ink on a shirt.  Who cares? wipe it off and move on.  So perhaps in that vein wrote the temple checks, and will donate for my high holiday honor and understand that it is not a zero sum game.  We give because we can, not because it is always earned or needed or managed properly, but because being able to give is a miracle of sorts and for that I am very, very grateful.

Please and Thank-You

I've let an entire month lapse without a posting.  Of course there was 12 days of vacation in there, but the other reason is I had just felt like I reached the end of the road.  Not of doing mitzvot, there is no end of that, but having something new to say about it.  On top of this, a lot of negative feelings, the sort of judgmental "old me" feelings had bubbled up to the surface and like a bad food binge, I just wanted to rant.  To express my frustrations with certain people, organizations and life in general.  It couldn't all be wine and roses, although Paris felt like that most of the time, except for the one night crammed into the hottest corner of a very hot bistro in  July, wearing shoes that were giving me blisters and a light pull over sweater that I was suffocating in.  Sometimes it feels like we try to hard to have a good time.  The best meal of the week, a neighborhood place we walked by everyday on the way to metro, which was always busy, menu was simple but appealing, and despite some language difficulties, it was wonderful.  It is funny how Parisians have a reputation for rudeness in the states, considering all the politeness built into the run of the mill French conversation, please precedes every sentence, if you launch right in with I want, they will look at you in admonishment as if to say, life is too short to not take a few extra seconds for civility and humanity.  Wish I could have carried that quality home in my suitcase.   So I had my rant, and even made some changes, moving over or down depending on  how you look at it to Co-VP Programming of Sisterhood and have let the powers be, that now is not the right time to be Sisterhood President.  Maybe when I either have other things in my live that are making happy, or when I have nothing at all going on so will welcome the myriad opinions, and constantly swirling controversy.   I know when I am doing something that engages me, and that is satisfying and volunteer work in particular should meet that criteria.  Doing the right thing, unless it is something major, like feeding the homeless, isn't reason enough to stick with volunteering.

So I am no longer writing notes, and won't be doing the regular bnai mitzvah presentations and I am so ok about it.  Because I could see that I was starting to get egotistical about it and that is not the point.  Now I get to write notes when I choose to people I know, and I do make more of an effort.  I can gladly volunteer to lend a hand, whether it be driving my parents around or bringing food to someone who is homebound.  And I can extend a smile and a bit of conversation to a stranger.  Saying please and thank-you to the deli clerk or the butcher, because we all deserve to feel appreciated for what we do.  I haven't looked that up, but I believe that that is a mitzvah.

One Decision at a Time

Last week I went through a realignment, trying a return to the compass of mitzvot.  It worked on Friday evening ( the religious implication of this totally aside), where I was conflicted about attending an exhibition match that was a fundraiser for a small charity.   I was at the tennis courts earlier so I could tell that it was looking not that well attended, and could easily have not gone.  But when I examined my feelings, I realized that regardless it was a good thing to attend and make a donation.  I ended up having a good time, and feeling good that I had chosen to participate and contribute when I didn't have to. 
On the work front that feeling or intention continues, seeking out and having conversations with various folks at universities about ways in which I can contribute my time and expertise, at least  moving forward in a beneficial way. 
In the world of Sisterhood things are getting a bit tougher to figure our.  Bad feeling seem to be abounding as the temple wants to operate on a higher budget than they have and Sisterhood is seen as the golden goose to make up the shortfall.  That is one point of view.   The other point of view is Sisterhood exists to support the temple and our money is their money.  The drama continues, with all sorts of bad feelings especially towards members who have left, perhaps not wanting to participate in the drama.   When I chose to volunteer with Sisterhood, and move on from a board seat at the country club it was to do something more authentic, more personal.   But if it comes with a perpetual record of negativity and difficulty there may be better places to volunteer.  So perhaps am not 100% back on board with doing good, or getting better at it.   In the meantime will work on not making assumptions and just letting events unfold.
It is hard to fight cynicism when I am approached by someone outside of Target for money for an Icee, because he is dehydrated.  What?  I just told him water is the best thing, and the drinking fountain at Target is free.  Then I turn the corner and another pan handler doesn't see me as he sits there counting an enormous wad of bills, probably 4 inches thick.  As soon as he sees me he shoves it his pocket and sticks out his hand and asks for a dollar.   My sympathy is dissipated.  Perhaps, I have come as far as I can on this journey and it is time to return to the world of complaining and sarcasm.  Like eating French Fries I know it is bad for me but it sure feels good at the time.

Taking a Break From Middot

Middot are confusing.  They suggest an attitude, almost a personality type.  Acceptance of suffering, an understanding of the heart, a perceptive heart.  But is hard to create personality change, although certainly many have tried, usually not for themselves but for their children or spouse.  But what got me started here was something very different.  As simply stated,  getting better at doing good.  Not turning into a saint, the warmest, friendliest, most wonderful person in the world.  Just practicing mitzvot, making a habit of following some of the commandments.  It was so simple that even in the worst mood, most depressed state of mind, I could do a few things, write a note or a check and then be less focused on myself, get out of my own head and all my worries, and have a pleasant moment or two.  And that worked.  Completely.  So I am putting the middot on hold, it is great to aspire to more, but somehow with my work future once again in turmoil, my motivation to spend more time on temple volunteer stuff waning, and the desire to break all the rules, gossip like a fiend, turn my back on the hungry across the planet, whatever, that desire is on the rise, it is time to take a different sort of action. 
So it is back to mitzvot, after I am done here, I will fill out the high holiday greeting form and enclose my check.  Write the temple dues check without complaining and just take a few actions, positive actions in the moment to move forward.  I got necklaces restrung that my mother in-law of blessed memory, made for me and in this way I honor her memory and that I honor my husband who loved me deeply.  It is just a different point of view.  Maybe I'm not ready for the big step of personal transformation.  Got ahead of myself by teaching a class with the Rabbi.  I am no expert. 
Meanwhile in the throes of no work, I volunteered to speak at an industry event, was rebuffed and then was asked, then agreed, then was told by one person it's definite, and by the organizer only if they can't get someone more prestigious, not his exact words bu the gist of it.  But not being a last minute person, I have now spent some time, getting this talk on paper and am now on version three.  It is supposed be a talk on how I got to where I am, well not exactly to where I am with no work. But where I was before that, back when I was President of a three person company, or Vice President at a 2,000 person company, back then.  In today's version I decided that what really mattered were the pivot points, the places where I veered on to another track, and the common element was 80% parenting and 20% ego.  The ego part may even be more.  Perhaps if I had been more patient with Pfizer I could have had 6 months maternity leave and an interesting job at the end.  I will never know.  What was the start-up?  80% ego I suppose, 20% parenting in that I wouldn't have to move.  The ego part wanted to do something bigger or better than where I was, wanted to get back to first tier.  Didn't exactly work out that way.  I have always had a hard time seeing the long game, or perhaps I have always seen it so clearly that I had to act even though I might not have seen it correctly.   This is not really a mitzvah concept, more of a middot thing, but there is one mitzvah that is relevant, not to panic and retreat during battle.  Because that's what it was in both situations, very different, but things were getting heated and controversial.  I was the kind of kid who never wanted to engage in arguments, I would just storm out of the room and slammed the door.  Some of my job changes were like that.  I can't change what I have done, but I can find ways to stick out what seems uncomfortable.  I am going to think about that, and I think a version 4 of my talk is just around the corner.

Straight Shooter

Pretty much my whole life, I have told it like it is.  In my twenties, I was known among my friends as "lacking in tact."  I was the one considered fearless enough to ask a complete stranger a direct question.  I never took offense at this observation, and secretly I was proud that I could ask something without having to jump around the topic.  I often thought that I would have been a good journalist, because I love asking questions and getting to the bottom of a story.  Later in life as a business person working in start-ups, I was shocked and dismayed by the lack of straight talk.  Lots of hand waving, but if the investors or potential partners knew just how clueless we were, conversations might have gone a different direction.  I really struggled with this.  It is easy to be confident and clear when you have the answers and you know that the information is positive. 
So it put a smile on my face to read that "Love of being Straightforward." is a middot.  I remember one time when my daughter asked for input on something and I hemmed and hawed not wanting to say something negative to her, and she set me straight.  "Just tell me what your really think, that is all I am asking!."   So I took a deep breadth and I told her and everything was fine and since then I have tried not to misrepresent or obfuscate too much, but there are still plenty of times when I have thoughts that are better off left unsaid.
Loving being straightforward doesn't mean being negative, thank-you very much Larry David.  "What, it's true!"  I proclaimed something very similar when as a 8  year old I was chided for complaining that my grandparent's smelled funny.  It was must, and rum balls and the smell of old furniture. 
This middot is not about speech per se, but clarity and comes from, "What is the straight path a person should choose? That which does him/her honor and wins him/her the esteem of others. (Avot 2,1)  I am in the process of putting together a presentation on lessons learned in life science partnering and brought to mind someone who did a big end run around the CEO to keep his job, but in the end I think did harm to others including discrediting the CEO which led to other outcomes.  He came out on top, so it can't be said that the strategy didn't work but it is just not the way I like to operate.  Still I'm not 100% straight, I lead clients to believe I am juggling more projects than I am, I may represent my experience in broad strokes which could give a different impression.   I am happiest though when I feel honest in my core, that my actions and words are aligned, that I am just who I am, strengths and flaws and by living from that place, from that core, good things happen. 

Sometimes when things get a bit challenging or competitive, I wander from the straight path.  I go hiking off the trail, and I get lost.  I want to be seen as accomplished and rather than staying the course I start to do and say things which sabotage my progress.  This week is a good time to reconnect with my goals, and put effort into a plan and moving forward with that plan.

Things I am grateful for:
That my husband, children and I are basically healthy
For the sunshine and wonderful weather which nourishes us where we live
That the bills are paid
That I am loved
That I am connected to many people in this community in a loving and positive way

Patience is a Virtue

I have felt my nerves on edge the past few days or perhaps weeks.  I see myself react where I know reaction isn't really called for.  I find myself longing to unburden my complaints about certain people to others just to somehow pass the underlying feeling of annoyance and anger on, to send it out into the universe as so much population pollution but clear my hear of it.  So in sitting down to write today, I realized this is what I am truly struggling with right now and the posts of the past few weeks while touching on this, have not really in anyway mitigated a change in attitude or behavior.  It's like telling someone to lose 10 pounds.  They may know they should, they may even know how to do it, but this missing element is that moment where something clicks, where our knowledge synchronizes with our true desires and we take action.
In simple non-middot terms, I could identify what I was struggling with as a lack of patience.  This brought to mind the phrase, "patience is a virtue.", something I heard a lot growing up.  I am notorious among family members and coworkers for a lack of patience, wanting everything to happen quickly, with foresight and planning.  When others don't share my attention to timing and detail, I get frustrated and with frustration comes annoyance, and under annoyance is that unconscious seam of low-level anger.  We all know people who go through life in a state of near constant anger (Larry David?) although if you ask one of these people why they are so angry, they will deny that they are angry at all.  I definitely don't want to be one  of those people.
I made conscious effort not to complain about the parking situation when I got to a meeting yesterday, but then later shared with others a bit of it when walking out of the meeting.  I showed as much discipline with my speech as the Corner Bakery brownies on the conference table.   Still I saw it as a warning sign to me to be careful how I interpret a situation when during the meeting I pulled up the meeting info on my phone and saw detailed instructions on where to park and how to get to the conference room.  Other attendees had printed those and that got them into the parking lot, which I was not allowed to park in.  So perhaps some of the burden for the outcome was on me, and perhaps that was often the case.  It got me thinking about another episode from the prior Saturday.  I was all up in arms that I had sent an email detailing who would do what when for Sisterhood presentations and it seemed not to have been read or understood.  So I dug it out of the sent box this morning and re-read it and realized it was not as clear as I thought.  I used the word "we" in a way that could have added to confusion especially with a person who is easily confused.  This softened my reply when I answered a phone message, and in the end I realized it was another situation where I had to accept some of the responsibility for the outcome.   Maybe some of the anger comes from an innate drive I have to put blame elsewhere, something that years of therapy could probably be handy for making a dent in.  I do it on the tennis court, I do it with the kids and I definitely do this with my husband.  So I apologize, I am so so sorry.

According to Wikipedia, the concept of patience as a virtue comes from Psychomachia ("Contest of the Soul"), an epic poem written by Aurelius Clemens Prudentius (c. AD 410) entailing the battle of good virtues and evil vices. The intense popularity of this work in the Middle Ages helped to spread the concept of holy virtue throughout Europe. Practicing these virtues is considered to protect one against temptation from the seven deadly sins, with each one having its counterpart.  So sort of like middot but perhaps more balanced and realistic, providing the yin and yang of each moment.  The vice which it encounters is "wrath".  The middot that connects to that is "slowness to anger", so you can get there in the end.  The text that is derived from is , "Be not quick to anger, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools!" (Ecclesiastes 7,9)"  How true!  Look at all those ridiculous, Republican hard liners, taking away the best of what has been accomplished for fairness and quality of life for the American people.  They are so angry at what they view as the "liberal" point of view they don't even think what is best for all of us, what makes a competitive country, a quality place to live.
It is an interesting overlap with Aurelius's poem, when the Rabbi's write, "Calm, persevering patience is generally a virtue, but especially so for Torah study, for anger causes errors in judgment and leads one to forget one's learning." (The Pirkei Avos Treasury, p.416).   For me the last phrase is key, I have let my inpatience lead me to misjudge or be to quick to judge in a situation, learning to see past this feeling, to double-check the facts and keep an open mind will hopefully help to be more patient and understanding and release that kernel of anger that keeps me feeling on edge instead of at peace with the world around me.  I can't promise it, but I can work on it.

"

Sharing the Burden with One's Friend

As someone who works in a solitary way, sitting at a computer, with the occasional conference call or offsite meeting, I really savor the connections that come often by chance with other people.  Last night walking in the neighborhood I ran into a friend I hadn't really spoken to in a while.  Standing there as the dusk deepened into night and a chill ran through the air, it wasn't really enough time to be truly supportive, to share our deepest thoughts and anxiety about work, life, kids.  But it was just enough to feel a little less isolated and a little more connected.  I struggle with reaching out, picking up the phone and being the ringleader.  Instead I sit at home and read or watch French movies which gives me some vicarious feeling of the joi de vivre.  With my daughter abroad the phone rings rarely and I realize I need to make more of an effort.  I received a lovely note today, thanking me for stuff I had done for Sisterhood.  That is a form of friendship, and one I can do more of.   Tonight meeting friends at a local concert and then tomorrow night, recipient of an extra ticket from another friend for a concert at the snazzy Nokia theater.  The question is how do I engage in a way with these friends to build stronger bonds, let them get to know me better without just complaining.  Because what truly do I have to complain about.  I have not had the major illnesses, life changing events like divorce, traumatic kid challenges of so many of my friends.  Yes, there are ways and days I would like to be just a wee bit more blessed, but for now it is enough.  There are all those Facebook friends where I can enjoy the happy occasions in others lives, their special pictures of prom, and graduation and weddings.  I can click like and feel that I have provided support knowing full well this is not true support.  True support is cooking meals for someone who is ill or driving someone to the doctor who can no longer drive.  This is a form of friendship as well.  I have more friends activities planned on Saturday ( three nights in a row with music and friends), and then comes my anniversary dinner on Sunday, with my best friend of all.  One of the reasons, I don't reach out more to other people is we, my husband and I are a self-contained unit and we aren't unhappy with this arrangement.  After 3 nights of being social with others it will be great to just relax and be just the two of us.  In celebration of friendship, am going to jot off a quick note to my friend Jean.  We have known each other since 6th grade, and it is amazing and great that we are still in touch and manage to get together every couple of years.  So this week, going to find friendship by being a friend, and looking for ways to reach out.

The Decider

One of the more hilarious moments of the Bush Jr.  presidency, was when he pronounced, "I am the decider and I decide what is best."  Each of us has many moments each day when we are "the decider."  Whether it be the myriad parenting decisions to be made, or on the job tough decisions, I have always thought that good decision making was a key quality for success in this world.  Certainly CEOs in our country, and that includes our President are supposedly paid the big bucks primarily for that elusive decision making capability that us mere mortals may  not have.   Whether it be pull the trigger, or load on the debt, tough decisions require mental toughness and rigor.
In my own small world, I can be completely derailed by small decisions from hotel selection on a trip to finding the right gift for someone.  Even though these decisions are small, they do impact others.  I still cringe at the memory of the totally cheap and inappropriate gifts I bought my staff years ago, for which I received a beautiful piece of lead crystal in return.  It wasn't that I hadn't given my gifts thought.  I had thought they were fun and personal, but I knew the minute they were opened that I had gotten this office ritual (my first time) completely wrong. 

Decision making was on my mind yesterday because of a number of events.  The first a woman I met at a networking event, and whom I have sent a few encouraging emails to, asked if I she could use me in her grant application as an advisor.   This doesn't mean she is going to sign me up as an advisor if she gets the grant, it is just something to pad the application and make her look connected to outside resources.  I have lent my name to some applications in the past, but only when I already had a working relationship with the company.  The request seemed inappropriate to me but I also knew that she was naive about the business worlds, and doing her best.  The second was a conversation from a few days before about my being next in line to be Sisterhood President.  It was an informal understanding that I would step into the VP role and then voila, except now I am not so sure.  I am struggling with being in limbo, keeping up an appearance that may be false, even though I know that the world will move on regardless of what I decide.  Then the final item was I had the opportunity to read one of my daughter's final papers.  It was already submitted, but the natural editor in me, saw a few things that should have been corrected.  What to do with this knowledge?

This weeks middot, Eino Samayach BeHora'ah", translates as ""Not delighting in rendering decisions". " and text it derives from is, "  "One who is too self-confident in handing down legal decisions is a fool, wicked and arrogant of spirit." (Avot 4:7)"  This text could be broadened to those conversations where we are so sure we are right, that we lose track of the intention or spirit of our conversation, in the end, right or not, we look like the loser, ungracious and unsympathetic.  According to Rabbi Joshua ben Perahyah we should, "Judge everyone with the scale weighted in his favor."

I spent time trying to think of the point of view of the networking contact.  I knew she really didn't know any better, but in the end I wasn't comfortable being represented as something I wasn't.  I decided by telling her, "I didn't think it was appropriate."   I had thought about going into a big explanation such as if we had a consulting relationship, or a step further suggesting that I wasn't the right advisor for her company.  But in the end I just kept it simple, because I realized this wasn't about me.  I am probably one of many people she reached out to, and now she is free to move forward with someone else.  She got back to me quickly to let me know this was fine, and hopefully it was.

As for the Sisterhood Presidency, it is hard to see how to decide something that is not up for decision for another year.   But I think I need to be honest with myself about what I want, and perhaps start letting a small circle of folks in on this.   Initially my ego was running the show, so flattered to be asked, and any doubts I expressed were responded with much wanted flattery, such as you would be great etc.  How can I turn down a job I would be great at?  And perhaps I am just rushing things, and will be more motivated when the time comes.   The decision here is to start thinking and talking informally about it, but not in a negative way.

The third decision, I struggled with my smart-ass self, and realized that none of us really wants to see small mistakes after the fact.  The person who rushes to point out a typo on a slide in a meeting is no ones favorite.  So instead we had a lively and wonderful conversation around the topic and what she learned.  I was very impressed with what she has learned and her passion for it, even if some definitional and language mistakes were made.  Hoping her Professor sees it the same way.

These decisions were small, but I have been a part of much bigger decisions.  Decisions to fire people, or eliminate departments and I have sometimes confused sympathy with acting honorably.  Sometimes I miss being "the decider", with my leadership being relegated to volunteer work and travel planning.  I don't miss the sleepless nights that come with it but I do miss that feeling of being able to see through the fog and create a path forward for others to follow.

I think this middot is very closely related to "judging others favorably."  Because if we judge others favorably, we will be in the frame of mind to make a decision that is not so bound in legal correctness but takes into account the humanity of the situation.  

Contentment with One's Lot

Recently I met a friend for a cup of tea and a book discussion.  Because the book was focused on a person who had dedicated his life to bringing medical care to those who had none, we ended up discussion our own paths in terms of giving to the community.  My friend found my transformation from blogger about annoying things to blogger about mitzvot, an amazing story.  Except in reality I haven't transformed, I am still the same person.  Just as eating "healthy"  hasn't changed my cookie monster cravings, I still want to complain, to criticize, to vent but instead work hard at the psychological equivalent of replacing french fries with carrots.   So when I found myself living far outside the land of good heart yesterday, instead seething with anger and resentment I spun my wheels for a while.  It wasn't until this morning, with a good walk behind me, that I turned to the list of 48 middot to figure out which one could be my antidote.  There are many that fit and would work, but I chose  Contentment with One's Lot  
as the my guidepost.  
This commentary says," A person should not be dissatisfied if he or she cannot live up to one’s ambitions or the standards of others with greater ability, one should do one’s best and constantly review until the learning is mastered. In the end the individual will succeed and even excel (The Pirkei Avos Treasury p. 418)." 

Yesterday what set me off, besides having time on my hands when a work project pushed out indefinitely, was a conference call with an industry group I am involved with.  We were talking out speakers for an upcoming event, and one of our committee members suggested another consultant, she went on a bit about this persons corporate experience etc.  I know, like and respect the recommended speaker but I do very similar work, and I think am equally qualified, although I could see that I haven't been putting myself forward in a way to communicate this.  So when the group was struggling to come up with a second speaker, I put myself out there and the same woman shot me down, although not in a personal way.   I was left feeling as if all my experience was for naught, that I had sidelined my career many years ago and would never have a position of power again.  A week ago, I was completely happy with this.  Even the day before, I was marveling how I get to choose how I spend my time, learn about diseases that are really important, go for a walk in the middle of the day and still get paid.  But here I was depressed, seething and frustrated that I was a "nobody."  In reading the above quote, I realized that I had gotten so wrapped up in myself, I had forgotten all the stuff I did to get back on track.  Learning, networking, reaching out.  Instead of focusing on what I couldn't do, or what wouldn't happen, I needed to just do.  All of a sudden I remembered a correspondence from a few weeks ago from a technology transfer director, a group who needed the kind of help I could provide.  Sure enough when I checked the inbox, they had gotten back to me late yesterday to set up a lunch meeting.  It was there all along, the opportunity to help, to learn, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself that I had disengaged.

Questions to consider from this middot .....are you satisfied with what you have? YES!  I have everything I need.  To much even.  I might worry about money from time to time, but I know we are more than fine.  Would you like more or less?  I don't want more so much as to have less concern for the future.  Most of my striving is not so much about the money, or the benefits, or the travel.  It is pure ego.  In many ways that same ego is what has driven me to the successes I have.  Just when I thought I had gotten to the point in life where a title didn't matter, VP of this or that at a name company,  I feel completely dissed when I am not an A-lister in my field because I don't have this.  I imagine for about 10 seconds that I would be happier in my power suit in my power office, then I remember all the headaches that come with it.  If that sort of transition is meant to be, it will happen? Or is that just wishful, passive thinking.  To lazy or fearful, to actually try to make it happen?  What drives or motivates you to either acquire or deny yourself material possessions? This is a good question, because I probably spend more time denying myself then indulging.  Last week I was all set to run out and buy new sandals and shorts for summer but I was too busy.  Now I have the time, I look at the pair of 5 year old sandals and shorts I already have, and think these are fine.  Sometimes this denial feels right, and other times absurd, like when I am envious of some one's outfit.  
Would you be happier or more satisfied if your portion in life were bigger or smaller?  I really don't know.  It could be a little bigger, I am not sure I can't be just as happy where I am.  Actually I am sure, I can be just as happy if I can shift my focus more to my positive interactions and away from stuff.  So that is my goal for this week, to do as much, learn as much as I can and continue to ask myself these questions each day.   My homework is to do my best and be happy and satisfied knowing I have done my best.
 

A Mitzvah A Day Keeps the Blues Away

In today's LA Times, Kurt Streeter wrote a follow-up column about what had happened to a former drug addict and street thug whom a federal court judge took a special interest in.  I remember reading the first column Kurt wrote and loved the story of someone who went above and beyond his job to help someone who truly needed it.  The beneficiary of this attention, Michael thrived and then fell again, the path of walking the straight and narrow just way too narrow.  But when Kurt reconnected with him finally he found him living in a group facility and finding joy in helping others.  When Michael says "I don't understand how helping others turned out to be such a great help for me, and has changed me deep down within...it's like a miracle." , I just thought, Amen to that!  The gospel of giving, is the gospel of mitzvot, and it doesn't matter at all what religion you practice to hear the truth in it.  Every bad day I have, I can find a way to give to others, to get out of my own head and my own worries and take the focus to the goodness and greatness of the world we live in.  Of course, then I turned a few more pages, and there it was the ubiquitous advertisement from the King of Self Endorsement, Donald Sterling.  New York has Donald Trump, but in LA this Donald is as unique as the city he calls home.  Look I know it is my challenge to see others favorably, so kudos to Donald for giving money to charity, and for probably being a major contributor to the much needed LA Times advertisement revenue stream, but I am pretty sure all the self-aggrandizement he engages in takes away from these positives in some way.   Found this quote on a blog post on the musar and the age of self-aggrandizement, "

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)    http://rivertonmussar.org/middot-character-traits/humility/item/467-humility-in-the-age-of-facebook

Ironically Donald uses the same terrible graphics for his self-promotion as he does for his real estate properties making it incredibly easy to get that they are one and the same person.  Thankfully, there are no bikini beauties in the relentless "man of the year" spreads that he runs.  I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, and figure he hired the wrong PR agency as his spin doctor back when he was being raked over the journalistic coals as a slum lord.   But as it says in the above mentioned blog, "
“Be like Hashem and don’t look for people’s shortcomings and weak points. You will then be at peace with everyone.”   So I am trying, but perhaps Donald you could try a little harder too, to toot your own horn a lot less and let your good deeds perhaps go unnoticed except by the universe.  It would make you seem a more admirable human being, but then maybe that isn't what you want.

To anyone who might ever read this and say tsk tsk at my rant in this space, usually reserved for doing good things, and feeling the miracles that occur, I truly and sincerely apologize.  It is not my intention to speak behind Donald's back, it is my hope and fervent prayer to the universe that he or someone he knows will read it and illuminate him on this folly.  In the meantime, I'll keep looking for more miracles in my newspaper.

Last Class

We had our last class on Monday and I think we all felt that we had barely started.  Self-examination, awareness and translating that to change is a long journey, and not one easily wrapped up in 5 sessions.  Still if each of us just improved 50 percent in terms of viewing others favorably, guarding our speech, performing daily mitzvot and living from the place of a good heart, the world would be a better place, for you and me...Wasn't that a Supreme's song?  Put a little love in your heart.   All the song writers in Hollywood channeling the thoughts of the ancient rabbis, the torah and the talmud. I'd like to think that Jackie DeShannon (nee Myers) who wrote the song with brother Randy Myers, has a Jewish heritage she doesn't even know about.  Somehow the attitude and verbiage channeling through generations on a subconscious level. 

One of the interesting aspects of the Middot class was that at least one -third of the students were Jewish by choice, ie: conversion.   This led to the conversation about how being Jewish by birth is a completely different experience, akin to never appreciating the ocean when you live a few blocks from it, versus us landlocked dwellers who crave a glimpse of water now and then.  Many Jews in American are comfortable with the lack of affiliation and ritual because they have never really connected in a modern way to so much of the teaching that is spiritually meaningful.  They may wander the globe seeking out insights from the Buddhist Monk, the Bahai Temple, the Sufi Imman and never realize how something equally cool exists within the faith that they associate with too much food, too loud conversation, boring services etc.    How does Judiasim get cool again?  This is the Rabbi's siren call,  putting together Shabbaton and Synaplex experiences, yoga and Torah.  I don't have any answers here, although I recognize the mitzvah in spreading this particular gospel of attitude and behaviors, am getting a little worn out on being the vocal proponent.  I am ready to take a break from the pursuit of sharing my breakthroughs and trying to persuade others, and just go back to my own quirky, inconsistent study of all things mitzvot, for better or worse. 

Upon finding myself feeling out of sorts for days, set aside time to catch up, write condolence notes, mail checks to charity and do Sisterhood related chores.  The envelopes sat in the mailbox waiting for pick-up during the long weekend, but once gone on a Tuesday, the air seemed to clear, the burdens got a bit lighter and I was able to once again just appreciate all the goodness and wonder around me.

Lev Tov

Last class we learned about Lev Tov, good heart.  In the very moment of talking about it, I could feel the deep peace that lies within me when in a good heart moment.  During the week as I got stressed, or annoyed I recalled my good heart and the way it felt and let all those negative feelings fall away.  There is no room for hate, envy, jealousy or bitterness in the good heart.  The good heart is filled with grace, compassion and caring.  I have carried my good heart front and center this week, making time for a neighbor, looking eye to eye with a homeless person who I think was calling me "scary woman".  At least he wasn't calling me scary old woman.  Trying to process the tragedies of the week, deaths, divorces, the things that happen as part of our circle of life from that point of view, not of what it means to me, but just where is my good self.  I was able to shed some of the negativity that comes with competitiveness by finding a caring, generous person to respond and realizing the other people are just as nervous, trying their best.    I am not always a good person, and deep down have always thought I was a bit dastardly.  Finding just the right sarcastic quip, knowing when I was stirring the pot, pitting folks against others.  So I am trying now to open up, just that little bit more.  Went to a party, and just worked on expressing joy and enjoying whomever I was talking to at that time.  My effusiveness may have gone a bit far the other way.  This will take some fine tuning.  Does the one quickest to criticize, win life's race to the finish?  There is no race, and there is so much more pleasure in finding pleasure rather than pointing out the pain.  I interviewed a congregant who moved to California in 1953, and just was great to hear about the progressive circle, and the other youth movement groups where they did physical exercise and practiced manual labor in preparing for immigration to Israel.  Then got to see my sons pictures from his recent trip to Israel.   I held a baby last weekend, not mine, but a moment where I could really feel my good heart.  So in each of these situations, finding the thing that creates a certain sensation of peace and goodwill.  Every where I turn there are messages, about finding heart, showing heart, sharing heart.  It is all the same, to connect to a certain feeling, for the good of those around you and the feeling of good inside you. 

Guarding One's Speech

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?  Of course it does!  The premise being that the sound only exists as something processed by our ears at a moment in time.  But the sound was there, whether heard by a human or not, a squirrel heard it, a butterfly flew away, the forest ground shifted in response.  Ants on the ground were smashed.  The damage was done.  Perhaps this is the wrong question.  Because the sounds is only a sign or a symptom of the underlying danger that occurs when a tree falls, a warning for those or perhaps information too late if you are on the wrong path at the wrong time when lightening strikes.  
Similarly if you talk about someone behind their back, whether for good intentions or naught, the concept of this weeks Midda "seyag LiD'varav" guarding or literally fencing your speech tells us that the damage is still done whether or not they ever come to hear the information.  This concept is much broader than the commandment against gossip or the evil tongue.  Even a loving rant about a parent or a child can fill the air with toxins.  
I committed to a 24 hour period of not saying anything unkind to or anyone but ended up feeling like I had gotten trapped in uncomfortable situations that led to using words in an attempt to extricate myself.  It did not work.  My father asked me if my daughter had liked her birthday gift.  I hemmed and hawed.  The gift a round medallion necklace with her name and happy birthday engraved was not what she wanted and not something she would ever wear.  I found myself trying to express this in some way....for no reason really except it was hard to lie effusively.  This is not LaShon Hara, I am speaking directly to someone which is fine but it did not feel good at all.  Earlier in the evening I had been in a tennis clinic, and I found myself making self-deprecatory comments to offset my insecurities about how I was playing.  This does not feel good or productive.  I tried to be silent and just focus on what was in front of me.   All of these feelings, I was not able to have the day that showed the true discipline of guarded speech even though technically I did not say anything unkind to anyone, but with all those feelings I did share a few thoughts with my husband later that day.  Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to sleep.  Holding in unkind judgements is a lot like dieting, we know how to do it but it requires tremendous discipline day in and day out, to pass up the bread and butter, the wine etc.  But when we do it, when we stick to it, our spirits feel elevated.  
I am curious to find out how the other folks fared with the experiment.  The great thing is I can always try again tomorrow.    Because what you say matters, each and every day.

Judging Others Favorably

This week we are working on judging others favorably.  I was challenged almost immediately in the class as there was a new student who was coming from a tough place, perhaps not the most stable.  This is supposed to be a self motivating process.  You choose to come, you choose to do the exercises but I found myself spending the break-out discussion having to calmly defend the point of what we are doing.   It was very difficult and sad in a way, and I did not feel equipped.  In the end I felt that god sent this troubled person into the class to show me the conceit of what I thought I had learned, the illusion of the better place I was in. 
The analogy in our readings was about a soiled garment, that can be saved with effort and care and that a human being can be the same.  Ironically I have such a garment right now that I am dealing with.  A beautiful yellow dress from Max Studio that I have found and old what I think is chocolate stain on the last time I wore it.   Somehow I never saw the stain when it happened, so it has just been sitting there embedding itself in the garment.  So I did some on-line research and the first attempt, hot water and dish soap did nothing.  Round two we are now trying soaking in heavy cream (fight fat with fat).  Next stop is hydrogen peroxide.  I get great pleasure in success in removing stains and making a garment like new.   Give me your tired old white t-shirts, I will happily bleach them.  Stain removal is one of the easiest and most satisfying activities.  If only encounters with strangers, friends and family could be so simple. 

The difficult gentleman in the class doesn't want to be difficult.  He wants to be loved and doesn't understand why "everybody is always picking on me", to pull from an old platters song.  He reminds me of my sister-in law who has the presence of mind to know her life is not what she wants, but not the rational self-awareness to see how she contributes with her negative, angry, blame the world attitude.  I am not sure either of them can help it, but perhaps that is not trying hard enough.  Is there a way back in to the psyche of someone who is unable to see their words and actions in a realistic light?  I don't have an answer.  I used to truly believe there was a solution, whether it be drugs or therapy but it is not always possible to get a troubled person to even seek solutions, since the problem is not with them from their point of view.  So not as easy as getting a stain out of fabric but can at least work on not blaming myself for not having a solution and not blaming them for not being "easier."

It seems like there are a million moments in the day where we think about other people or encounter them where negative expectations get in the way.  For me it is at is worst when I feel some negative outcome and I want to some how deflect the negative judgement on my self.  So for me to work on is translating a negative judgement to a positive interpretation at least as an interim step.  So in tennis, not to dwell on what my partner is not doing, and what I am not doing, but focus on what I can do and relax and have confidence in them.  It worked this morning, just barely, but enough. 

I have spent so much of my life, being smart, knowing the outcome before it happened, sort of moving before the ball has been hit, that I have missed the opportunity for good outcomes that were an option all along.  So allow for the positive, that is my mantra for the rest of this week.

Small Steps to Big Results

We had our first class this week.  It was a small class which I think disappointed the Rabbi.  I think his expectation was that I would attract this larger population of temple members who don't typically do classes, that my popularity would be a draw.  First of all I am not sure I am popular or unpopular.  I feel that I am at a point in life where if there was a need, there would be people there to help and I am thankful for that.   I think at the core of it one person was there because of me, several were there because of an interest in Musar and middot and several were there because they were seeking self awareness, self-growth and as for those who weren't there, perhaps they are content with their lives, although I think when you learn about Musar as we are starting to, it is like a light turning on inside your heart and at first it is kind of dim, you can barely see it, but with time the light spreads, so that when you put your head on the pillow at night, there is a brief moment as the light leaves, sort of like a candle as it goes out at the end of the wick, that moment where it almost flares up.  So I felt that after the class, so I know something happened and it is something I would like to experience again.  It is my choice. 
So small class or not, it was wonderful.  We broke into small groups and discussed joy in our lives and there were some really special thoughts shared. Our homework for the week is to carry a list of Top Ten Mitzvot: 1) to honor father and mother 2) to perform acts of love and kindness 3) to attend the house of study daily 4) to welcome the stranger 5) to visit the sick 6) to rejoice with the bride and groom 7) to console the bereaved 8) to pray with sincerity 9) to make peace when there is strife 10) and the study of Torah is equal to them all, because it leads to them all.  The goal of the week is to take the opportunity to fulfill these commandments, ask your self how you might carry out the mitzvah with a positive attitude and a real sense of joy. 

Yesterday I was not feeling all that mitzvot connected.  So in the evening I read the excerpt from the Jewish Spiritual Path of Mussar, Everyday Holiness that the Rabbi provided.  There were alot of things that resonated but particularly this,  "By refining and elevating your inner life and nourishing the soul, you clarify your inner light and thus become a lamp shedding light into the world."   So the light inside of me that I had felt before reading this is truly something, something that grow until it is bright enough to illuminate the lives of those around me.  That is a beautiful thing.  So as I set out today I tried to keep that in mind, to approach others with a warmth and joy for the moment. 

So when my doorbell rang in the middle of writing this I wasn't thinking about  welcoming strangers, my immediate thought was "were those door to door fundraisers for an environmental group back again?".  It was a pleasant surprise to open the door to the 10 year old girl from next door and her babysitter who needed to borrow some aluminum foil to wrap up a lasagna they had just prepared so they could bake it.  We don't like in Mayberrry, neighbors rarely knock on doors but it was a nice moment.  I was so happy to help them and so glad they thought to ask.  They were so excited about the lasagna.  I hope it comes out great. 

Each and every day we face tough choices and news.  Deaths, divorces, financial set-backs.  I have heard it all this week.  I can't fix anything but I can be a good friend, a shoulder to cry on, a person you can count on.

Rainy Day Blues

Life started a little slow this morning, what with the grey sky and the chill in the air.  I checked email as I took my first sip of tea, my eyes barely open and then my heart fell to the floor.  A good friend who we were looking forward to seeing this summer sent a quick email entitled "Sad News", to say the vacation plans were off.  Her husband, also our friend, was leaving her.    I sent off a quick so sorry and shocked reply and then tried to process it.  An hour later, I sent a longer email and then I realized from all my mitzvah training I needed to do the difficult thing, pick up the phone, no matter they are a continent away.  My old self would have said "call me if you need me", and then with the guilt taken care of go on my merry way.  My new self gets it.  The burden of caring shouldn't be placed on the person who is having a difficult time.  We had a good conversation, some laughs even, and I felt that she was coping as well as any of us would, and felt better just having that connection. 

I am looking forward to the first Musar Middot class, learning more about small steps for happiness, and am honored to be "teaching", although all I will really be doing is sharing my experiences.  I am also honored that several of my friends say they are coming.  This kind of learning is a bit of light in the darkness that seems to be continuously encroaching or perhaps we live in darkness and it is the light that we shine into it that matters.  Every day there are opportunities but no one person can do it all, but being open to it perhaps way more than I am comfortable is a step in a good direction.

Today I caught up on all my "sunshine notes", births, get well etc.  The notes are the constant reminder of the cycle of life.  I was pleased last Friday night at our community Shabbat dinner to be sitting next to my neighbor whose husband passed a few months ago.  She is such a lovely person.  I am trying to guard my speech and see others in a favorable light, each piece of information we impart is like a bullet traveling through the universe, just waiting for it's target not always intended.  So choose wisely, what you say. 

Next stop: Happiness

Met with the Rabbi and we have our syllabus; 1)Happiness 2) Judging others favorably 3) Guarding your tongue 4) Good Heart
Very excited about these topics because it doesn't get more important than happiness and making that connection between what is in our heart and how content we feel is a critical step in this journey. Earlier this week when I did a day trip to San Francisco, I felt this fundamental change in attitude. I used to make this trip every other week and my mind was often occupied with pointless what if scenarios. What if the plane is late, what if I have a bad seat, what if the cab "rips me off". This trip I worked at letting go, figuring it all works out and it did. Part of the key is to not be in a rush, not needing to be perfect. How liberating is imperfection.

After a really good meeting and lunch, I then spent over an hour listening to a good friend download his concerns about the company management. Although I know he thinks he is coming from a good place, the improvement of operations, it just doesn't come off that way. At some point regardless of how much of a people person or how much of a detail person someone is you just have to focus on the circle of influence you control (if you've read the 7 habits you'll know what I am talking about). His unhappiness is infectious and projected, which can't be good for his success. I've been in equally tough situations, and have once quit a job over how I was treated it, and have once been asked to quit based on being the person who sees the problems and you learn that you either make it fit or you move on, but serving up negativity soup all day long is not productive.

Then the next day hosted a temple fundraising "parlor meeting" at my house. I had been really dreading this, and had lost some sleep over it. How much do you give an organization when you feel you are already giving enough, and how much is truly enough? Is bailing out financial mismanagement encouraging or rewarding continued mistakes? (Look to the US financial bail out for an example of where it didn't do that).

But when it came down to it I felt completely at peace before and during the meeting. It is my choice and finding that choice like all the other ones I made in this journey was uniquely mine to make. It doesn't really matter what other people's expectations are, or what I assume they are. So I listened, I asked and I commented. In the end I knew that I could do something, no different than digging in to pay unexpected car repairs, medical bills or parking tickets, all of which seem to happen far too often. For me there was a mitzvah in opening my home to have this conversation, to connect with people in a different way, some of whom I knew very well and some who I knew only by sight, but in the end they all felt comfortable, and easy to be with and that made a difference. We aren't a bureaucracy, we are a community of people with "good hearts" coming together to maintain a place where we can share an essential part of who we are.

There were lots of other usual mitzvot this week, notes of condolence, tickets for a fundraiser, started to work on artisan boutique, made a phone call to a neighbor. My peace of mind slipped away for awhile but it feels like it is coming back.

I am grateful for the health and happiness of my daughter, son, husband, parents, my sister and brother, and my brother's family.

I am grateful for the community I am part of here with it's spectacular beauty, wonderful, intelligent people and quirky character.

I am grateful for a roof over my head and food on my table.

Musar Madness

It seems like a long time since I added a posting, and I missed it. My life slipped back in to its old rhythms, my heard started to harden. So many decisions that felt uncomfortable, one leading to a small group clearing the air meeting with the Rabbi last night. A temple is a building, but it is also a community of people who come together with various opinions and personalities and sometimes they just don't see eye to eye. Just because we are all Jews doesn't mean we can't agree to disagree. My increased involvement has also brought me into contact with some personalities, well it remains better left unsaid. Being on the nominating committee for Sisterhood have gotten more than an earful from several folks on why they choose to not participate. I try to not pass this information on, but it is really hard. So some days it feels more than a little bit disingenuous, on the surface working hard to project, graciousness, warmth and openness but on the inside still a cynical, anti-social person. Because volunteering is the right thing to do, agreed to host a parlor meeting to discuss the declining temple finances only to find out the whole thing is just a set-up to get folks (starting with me) to write checks. My immediate reaction is not one of charity, so will have to keep you posted on that. The meeting is not until next week and would like to think about this in the way I would think about any other contribution. Will the money be spent wisely? Will it go to good uses? Why is there not enough? One concern I have about an additional check is that we will continue to operate beyond our resources, and this will just be a short term fix, and instead of a Yom Kippur Appeal, we will have a bi-annual appeal. So you can see that my rationale, frugal self is back with a vengeance. On the other hand, trying to be generous when asked, when appropriate, checks for Women at Work, Planned Parenthood, and the local hospital guild event.
The main mitzvot of the past week have been tied up with Passover. Cooking two dinners, doing two seders, embracing being with family, opening our hearts and our home. I tried to read the parts we don't always read, and there were some insightful places, thinking about the gratitude we feel for the freedom to eat a meal in a beautiful home without fear or persecution. This is a true blessing. Even our passover standards like Dayenu, took on a meeting. That we have enough, our lives are enough, and we need to spend more time feeling thankful and appreciative of what we have.
Coming up in a few weeks will be "co-teaching" the class with the Rabbi about daily mitzvah, 4 steps to a better life. Teaching about mitzvot is a mitzvot, but I have to be careful not to start sounding too preachy or like I said earlier, disengenuous. In the ad for the class, it says that we are focusing on the Musar. I don't even know what that is, so I did some research. It is a movement started by Orthodox Jews in 19th century Eastern Europe. The Musar Institute website explains that:

Musar is a path of contemplative practices and exercises that have evolved over the past thousand years to help an individual soul to pinpoint and then to break through the barriers that surround and obstruct the flow of inner light in our lives. Musar is a treasury of techniques and understandings that offers immensely valuable guidance for the journey of our lives.... The goal of Musar practice is to release the light of holiness that lives within the soul. The roots of all of our thoughts and actions can be traced to the depths of the soul, beyond the reach of the light of consciousness, and so the methods Musar provides include meditations, guided contemplations, exercises and chants that are all intended to penetrate down to the darkness of the subconscious, to bring about change right at the root of our nature.

Sounds good, but a bit more touchy feel-y spiritual than my approach to mitzvot. The Rabbi describes the Musar as a Jewish Ethical system, so there is a difference there to be educated on. My approach is more like Heloise Hints, ie: here's a helpful hint for feeling positive, stop saying negative things about people. The Middot are the actions you take to follow the Mitzvot. One is the philosophy and the other the implementation. As a person of action I am going to focus on that as my contribution to the class.

Recent middot, acts of kindness in taking care of Blair during her knee surgery recovery, volunteering at Showcase house, taking bottled water to the post funeral lunch at the temple for the half of a truly sweet 90 something old couple. Sad, and I wrote a note, but can't quite bring myself to go to the shiva. I know she doesn't know me, although when ever she sees me at the temple, she holds my hands as if she does. I'll think about it. I signed up for a Shabbat dinner week from Friday.
For the past month, I have felt like too much stuff was hanging over me, work to get done, and then on top of it so much sisterhood stuff and more to do, always. But a few days of getting caught up and am ready to go, get started organizing Artisan Boutique, dig into the nominating committee, and hold the negative thoughts during the Sisterhood meetings. It is what it is.

What I am grateful for:
My husband, who embraced the abandoned table I dragged home and has restained and varnished it back to something of beauty, who is always supportive and loving in his own way.
To still be married, caught a picture of the house of a divorced couple I know in the paper today, I am grateful that is not me. Whatever decisions we make, we make together.
My beautiful daughter, who is working so hard to face her challenges, whether it be her knee recovery, her hormonal fluctuations, the difficulties of roommates and somehow always comes out ok. Praying for beautiful things in her future and a bit more happiness.
I am grateful for my intelligent, and caring (in his own way) son. He is truly generous, and would be more so if he had it. I just hope he makes it to Israel without any drama getting there or while he is there.
I am grateful for my parents, that they are still in good health, that we can laugh, they can travel, and have enriched, full lives
I am grateful for my health. I had a kind of scare, first a bad reaction to a bee sting, a bad cold, and then a weird three day headache, with some nausea, worried I was having a heart attack. But all good now, and I covered a lot of court at tennis today, more than I knew possible and I was ok.

Recognition and Realization

This week I did not feel at peace with the universe. I was struggling with a new phone, and juggling multiple priorities. Still when situations presented themselves, I tried to do and say the right thing. There was nominating committee for Sisterhood for which I still have to make phone calls. It was an opportunity to discuss people without bringing negativity into it; not an easy task but all in all we did a good job. I also agreed to host a parlor meeting at our house to discuss temple finances, somehow being drawn in deeper and deeper into being a person at the center of the temple. This is something I struggle with. I appreciate that the phone rings in new ways, whether it be someone offering a ride to a meeting or asking if I can fill in at Mah Jong. I spent a few days envisioning my big moment as a "woman who makes a difference", being a gracious and warm person. I appreciated the notes and tributes received. But when I was there, I backpedaled into a bit of resentment that the person who wrote my bio didn't take the time to find out or include my husband, or children or my career. It was just a list (albeit) thoughtful of my temple contributions. Things that I previously corrected never got changed such as how many years I have been a sisterhood member (many! vs two). At the heart of these feelings is that old passive aggressive, competitive person not a person who finds the joy in what is there, that the Rabbi came, that there were so many women from our sisterhood there, that I had my husband by my side. I tried to not let it show, and wrote thank-you notes to everybody and anybody to counter-act the negative feelings. I had daydreamed a more emotional and dramatic moment, and it was bit of a comedy of errors, the certificates going to the wrong people, the speeches either flubber or diverged from in a too much information way. But in the end it was a lovely room filled with interesting, motivated and accomplished Jewish women and that was a thing of beauty. Finding the good and the beautiful in a situation, that is a mitzvah. And yes it was first and foremost a fundraiser for the Federation and yes we made a nice donation. Not a huge donation, not a tiny one, but a nice one, which is more than we normally do. That to me is a mitzvah, to do more than I normally do, to step beyond and out of my comfort zone. The Rabbi and I are on for the mitzvah class in May, so that should be interesting and a good way to keep myself going.

For the big event, I put on a beautiful Jewish star (Mogen David) my husband gave me when I did the bnai mitzvah. I wore a star regularly for a while in high school and college but haven't for years. It is not a mitzvah, as a commandment to advertise yourself as a Jew, but I think if you look at it broadly (walk in the ways of Hashem) it is a good thing to be at peace with yourself as a Jew, or to remind yourself of your relationship with God and the wearing of the star does that. According to one source, the symbol carries spiritual meaning with the triangle pointing to heaven signifying our relationship with God and a triangle pointing down to keep us grounded in reality.

So I had this thought that maybe it was good luck and when we made a quick stop at the house to grab an overnight bag before we headed out, I changed out of my new dress into jeans and t-shirt and kept the star on. Goodness knows we were going to need all the luck we could get. We were driving up to my daughter's school to take her to surgery the next day. Years of knee damage culminating in a new set of injuries had come to a head, gymnastics, cheerleading, running, a chapter of a person is over.
I had had thoughts of whether this was really necessary but after the surgery, when we saw the photos and walked through the damage, both my husband and I felt so sad. All those years of pushing her to work past the pain, we had been told by her prior doctor that she couldn't hurt herself, and yet she did. Bad coaching, bad medicine and bad parenting, plenty of guilt to go around. So a few days of embracing her care, of being sympathetic and loving because that is what we are here to do, and feeling good about it. So that is the realization part, that despite all of our dreams for recognition and happiness for our children, or perhaps because of those dreams we encourage or discourage certain activities, we carry a mental movie of them on the award stand, or surrounded by loving friends or boyfriend, achieving their success. And then reality intrudes...or sometimes there is a bit of that film reel that starts to come true and then our wishes and dreams go sky high until they are kicked back to earth. Our dreams for their happiness, their recognition a displacement of our own dreams that we have long since relegated to oblivion. So on one hand how nice to get our own recognition and also how nice to support them just as they are, to find a nice turn in the road where they least expect it and to just let go of all the control so they can drive that car.
One last divergence, knowing that my daughter is hyper aware of how the world perceives her and is the type of person who does keep count, I have been wondering if she was getting the attention she needs, the FB posts, the texts or whatever. There haven't been any visitors as yet. And then the complaining did start, the details not necessary, and I just shut it down and I tried to be nice about it, but perhaps not nice enough. My traditional strategy, to come up with a rationale explanation why the errant person has not done what it is expected that they should do, maybe they are busy getting ready for finals, preparing for a flight out of town etc. But none of that really takes away the basic issue, seeing the world as a glass half-full and the minute we get one thing done, we start worrying about the next. I get it, I am alot like that myself, but I don't play that game (or I try not to) anymore. So I said it straight, not interesting in having a negative conversation about people or the future. And now a few minutes later things are better, a nice text came to her from a friend, and the world is all right.

3/15/2011

My in box is empty (or close to it). I tossed one charitable request yesterday after looking up the CEO who makes almost $600,000 a year, hmm. Not very charitable. It is kind of amazing how charities become big businesses in their own way. Not our local Young and Healthy, where you really feel like you are in the trenches, with the case worker knowing many of the families whose kids are in need by name.
There has still been some fallout from the Sisterhood's decision not to fully fund the planned temple's 90th birthday party, so where does that fall? It feels bad to not give people what they want but spending the money where it is most needed is also important. Unfortunately the bad economy has caught up with temple finances and there are some tough conversations to be had. I readily agreed to host a "parlor meeting" at our house. Being open to the community and hopefully having healing conversations, that has to be a mitzvah.
I am praying a little less this week, after intense nightly prayers, here we stand in the middle of confusion, my daughter still facing knee surgery, the date still up in the air and the living life hopping from crisis to another. I keep trying to the do right thing here, but on the phone my patience wears thin with yet another tear filled conversation. And yet we are so fortunate, and every day something amazing happens. I even responded to a write your congressman email request for Sudan from someone I hardly know. So that's a first.
I do have moments of grace and feeling connected and at peace but they are short lived. I try to do things around the house that will help my husband, ease his challenges, be less judgmental, more loving. I've gotten several nice notes this weeks, thank-yous for conversations or moral support and tributes for my upcoming federation honor. It sounds like we have a great group coming, three tables! How amazing is that. So when I read about the blind runner, or some other inspirational story I feel blessed that this is the planet we live on, where difficulties can be faced.
I am prepared to do whatever it takes to support my daughter through her surgery, without turning it into a woe is me show. I am trying so hard to have faith in the infinite generosity and power of the universe, how can I get her to share that point of view?